General Foresight Lacker, Instant Gratification Seeker and Ink Dweller

my friend ... the end

2007-09-06T00:39:00.000-07:00

after 20 years of knowing each other, 10 years of living together as man and wife, 3 children, 7 years of separation, 4 years of trying to get the divorce in order, 2 years of filing and refiling paperwork ... it's over. the divorce is final.

yes its exhilerating. yes its what i wanted. yes its finally time for it to happen.

but still.

i'm sad. i feel an emptiness that i hadn't expected. i feel overwhelmed by these feelings of what should have been, what i hoped and wished for when i was 17.

i remember the first time we met. how implausible it all was. how happy we were and yet how miserable we were at the beginning.

we were children. how does one know what they want forever at 17?

but still.

we had a great times. we laughed. we loved. we had 3 of the most wonderful children this world will ever know.

but still.

we had horrible times. we fought. we cried. we had some of the roughest patches that my young and immature mind could fathom.

but still.

i feel like i've lost my childhood best friend. the person who knew me before i became me. i've become a different person than i was and this person will never be in love with him again.

but still.

i loved him completely at one time. more than i ever thought possible, he made me happy. he was funny, he still is. he was smart and will always be.

but still.

i hated him so much for what he became. he was jealous and hurtful and obsessive. he was miserable so he made me miserable. he just wanted to hurt me any way he could.

but still.

i miss everything we had. i miss that happiness we felt at the beginning. i miss that person he was. i miss that person i was.

but still.

i love my life now. i never want to be that depressed and hurt and just sad all the time. i love the person i have become at the end of it all.

but still.

goodbye, old friend. goodbye life that i thought i was going to have. i will miss you and always remember you fondly. i will always think about the good times and laugh. and if i remember the bad, i will be thankful for those as well, because it made me the real me.

so thank you for 20 years ... for the love, the tears, the pain and the laughter. be well and let all the anger and pain and sadness leave you and let all that remains be peace.

Dangerous Mind

2006-08-22T10:15:00.001-07:00

So I was thinking the other day. What must it be like to other people to have to deal with me? I know that I am not a bad person, but the frenetic energy must be at times incredibly infuriating and at other times quite disturbing. My mother used to get so freaked out when I was out of school that she would send me out of the house with some $ for food & drinks for the day so she wouldn't have to entertain me anymore. She would tell me to take my skates in my basket of my bike and go play for the rest of the day, she knew I would get bored and return home after a few hours if I just had my bike. So I would skate/bike around the city, eating at Burger King or Carls Jr and come home about 7 each evening, still full of energy. Boy was she glad when my brother was old enough to go out with me.

I've always had this sort of manic energy ... I'm not bi-polar ... I am definitely not depressed ... it's more like someone on speed for about 4 days and they have that huge rush of energy because they are going to crash at any moment (NOT that I have ANY idea what that is like) ;). I run around quite full of all of the possibilities, completely assured that I can do anything, so I start all sorts of interesting and wonderful things ... then about a week later, I never look at them again. I know I have ADD, but I can focus on things so incredibly well that I can make almost anything. And then, once the concentration is gone, nothing ... nada ... zilch. I don't sleep really well. I can go weeks with about 2-3 hours of sleep a night. But it is inevitable that I will crash and be sleepy by 6pm for 3 days.

The problem I have with all of this is my complete lack of knowing what I want to be when I grow up. I do all sorts of things on the side (make up/hair, knitting, crafts, sewing, writing, etc) and there are many MANY more that I have thought I've wanted to do and then decide against AFTER I buy all the supplies, but nothing that really makes me feel like I am 100% confident that I can do it.

Now without sounding completely arrogant, I'm good at the things I put my mind to. I've made some wonderful jewelry, some great purses, some cool scarves and hats, wrote some moving poetry, sewed cute blankets & great baby clothes, made some people look phenomenal at their weddings and special events, I even install my own dreads now - but am I sure, completely sure that any of those things will keep my interest if I choose to do them as my career? I want to continue to love to do these things - I want to have fun, but at the same time, isn't the best career doing what you love? Does it ever get to a point that even artists who get paid to do what they love, that they tire of it and want to do it no more? That thought scares me.

I never went to school for any of the things that I love to do. I am basically self taught in most everything (except for the knitting and the dreads ... thank goodness for the girls and for the internet!) so maybe my stuff would suck so much that I wouldn't have the chance to tire of it since no one would pay me to do those things.

Maybe I could set up a career based on ALL the things I do, and then that way I would never be bored ... because even more than not knowing what I am going to be when I grow up, I am DEATHLY afraid of boredom.

happy birthday to me ... um, 3 months ago

2006-06-05T23:13:00.000-07:00

yeup, i just celebrated my latest birthday (i won't bore you with stating my age) and it was quite the adult dorkfest. all of my sweet girls and their guys around me along with that loveable man o' mine ... it was heaven. sure we went to a chain restaurant ... sure, we went to see a movie about mutants ... but what do you people want from me? I'm a DORK, I keep telling you that ... sheesh, maybe now you'll believe me. ;)

so ok yeah this was all in May. but come on guys, i'm busy! i swear!

i got to meet darth for the first time this past month. he was incredible, so sweet, smart, funny and articulate. i was impressed. and fyi, he doesn't wear jeans ... he wasn't exaggerating. quite the metrosexual.

hmmm, what else is going on. still same job, traveling has been put off for a bit (thankfully).

*d* and I just celebrated our 3 year anniversary. absolutely insane that it's been that long and weirder yet is that it has only been that short amount of time! we had a lovely weekend in the Marin county area, just gypsy-ing about with no reservations or plans. heaven for people like us. we just hung out for the weekend looking at all of the amazing nature. i am so in love with this man. we can hang out 84 hrs straight and STILL completely long for each others company when we part. it's quite amazing. he's funny even after driving for 10 hrs ... with me kinda green from car sickness. wow, he MUST love me.

we took the boys to Vegas for the weekend. not to see any of the Vegas-y sites by any means, cuz that's just nasty. our best friends have a place out there and we hung out with them for the weekend. it was wonderful. out in the middle of nowhere with all the stars and quiet ... the boys had such a wonderful time. as my oldest said "i had the best time just eatin' and swimmin' and then eatin' again". it's back to school for them in 2 weeks. summer vacations are getting shorter and shorter! oh yeah, and the youngest started football ... yeah, i've started taking panic attack medicine.

oh yeah, and the divorce papers are FINALLY in!! woohoo! should be divorced by March 1st at the latest! so what am I feeling?
relief? YES
happiness? sure
anxiety? definitely
excitement? YES
the reason for the "sure" on happiness? well, its weird. I am happy to get divorced because I have wanted it and I want to not be married anymore to my ex. but it's still sad on a level. that something didn't work out that you tried for so long at. we are still friends and talk all the time so it's not that i miss him. it's just sad when something ends for good. i am happy that i won't have to worry about being called his wife anymore. i am extraordinarily happy about the possibilities with *d* now ... but also nervous.

wow, do i put pressure on myself.

anyway ... so that's what been going on. what a boring post.

Since I am Multi Racial ... it's New Year's everyday!

2006-01-31T19:24:00.000-08:00

ok, I'm late in wishing you all a happy new year. I've been a bit bored with the whole blogging thing as you might have noticed. I've tried to get motivated to do anything at all that has to do with starting the process again ... to no avail. so here goes my lame attempt ...

This year should prove to be quite interesting. 2 of my best friends are getting married on different sides of the US (6 months apart thankfully!) and work is beefing up for some seriously hearty, if not boring travel. I've been given some accounts in England so hopefully at some point I will be up for a visit to you UK peeps sometime soon. The boys will be turning 16, 14, and 11 which means that even though they are great amazing kids there is much turmoil ahead with girls, parties, driving and all the things that go along with being young men. *d* and I will be celebrating our 3 years together. we have a new puppy that we got for an early christmas present for each other - he's an adorable beagle named Bourbon. My brother & sister in law are having their first baby this June (a girl!!! Ashley Nicole) and my divorce should go through this year *fingers crossed* which should put lots of things in the air. Now, if you don't know what I mean by things in the air maybe I should elaborate.

I have been battling the divorce thing for 5 1/2 years now. It's not really anyones fault (well it kinda is but who's counting) we've just sorta let things slip after a while. This comfortable limbo has become some sort of blanket that i've wrapped myself in and not had to worry about the future. Not fair to *d* i know, believe me, but thankfully he is completely understanding. I try not to rock the boat with the ex ... you know, get things all mucked up with depression and sadness ... i was hoping that at some point he would just be ok with the whole situation but the longer i wait on his emotional frailty the longer i am putting my life on hold with *d*. as much as i love him (and lord do i) it's hard for me to push for the one thing he wants. for us to get married and have kids. i've given myself a deadline for having anymore children ... and that deadline is coming up on me like a fucking freight train. he's been understanding so far ... how much longer is anyones guess. he refuses to have bastard children (as i am fond of saying) so we have to do the whole proper thing and get married ... did i mention with a wedding? *shudder* the thought gives me the hives. i like the dress part ... i like the party part ... but the in between part? ugh. it's like some hopped up version of the debutante balls i saw in OC growing up. it's frightening. plus ... who knows what changes when you get married?

i mean i was happy once with my ex ... then ... i wasn't ... i became a commodity, a piece of the furniture that he owned. no, i don't think that this will happen with *d* - i would like to think that i have become better at character judgment in my old age ... but i did pick the last bastard i went out with too ... and that wasn't that long ago. and i know i was happy with my ex husband for a period of time ... but when did that change? when did his obsession become too much? was i just blinded by the love that i wanted? i like to think not, but i was a lonely child when we met. he was a good man, he still is ... just not the man for me.

so, i sit here this fictional new years and wonder what decisions i will make with my life this year. will i stay out of the water, scared to get my feet wet or will i rush in head first and get soaked?

i have my towel ready just in case.

sometimes they come back

2005-05-03T16:41:00.000-07:00

sometimes my ADD lasts a bit longer than i think it's supposed to. i get caught up in reading various what-nots and looking at a myriad of whozits ... and lookee here ... it's been somewhere in the neighborhood of 2.5 months since i've posted. sorry about that (not even sure if there is anyone who is still interested in reading this anyway). well, life is going along pretty much the same as what it has been sliding by on for the last year or so ... not too much of anything bad and almost assuredly enough of the wonderful things i need.

was there ever a time in your life that you thought maybe you took a wrong turn? i would never change the outcomes of the important decisions that i've made in my life but but some days i think ... maybe i should have fought my natural inclination to want to just 'gypsy' it and actually just stay in one place. maybe i should have gotten that degree in the thing that i was REALLY interested instead of just skating by with the easiest one that i could because i knew i'd get bored eventually anyway.

do you get over boredom or just come to terms with it? being that i detest studying myself any more than absolutely necessary, that answer may never come. some days i wish i had known ... no, wait, that's not right ... i wish i had CARED enough to understand that i was smart enough to get that degree ... that sometimes the answer is not "a One, a Twooo, a Three ... crunch ... Three"

a bit ... out of sorts

2005-02-24T22:37:00.000-08:00

there are days when i feel like writing ... then weeks that i don't. it's been hard to try to fake it (the writing)... somedays i feel more like a silhoutte of myself. all the words come out sounding hollow and forced.

it's not anything in particular really, sometimes i think about the stupid choices i have made in my life and have to take responsibility for (like my stupid tickets) and some days i think about the people that i have run across and have let affect my life.

the last week or so has given rise to some interesting things within my group of friends. we have a bit of turmoil within our normally tight circle. one of the girls is leaving the state ... and it has not been a particularly good break. i'm not sure what is happening, one minute close friend; the next, well, the next minute i'm not even sure she is a friend.

this isn't really happening to me, per se. one of the sweetest girls is getting the shit beaten out of her emotionally over this. she's known this girl since childhood and is being treated like garbage. the entire group is being treated poorly by the moving girl but we all know that the worst is being felt by the sweet one. it's devastating in it's power to affect us all.

i know that i have written the thought before ... about how one act can affect so many others. but is it true? i feel torn about the whole situation because on one hand moving girl is well moving , so maybe this is some strange sort of adolescent separation anxiety that she is working out prior to leaving to not feel so bad. but on the other hand, why hurt people so deeply? is there no remorse, no responsibility for your actions just because you will not have to suffer the consequences yourself?

on another weird note, a guy that i barely know who happens to be a brother to one of the inner circle is in town to visit. now the last time this guy was in town he acted weird towards me and tried to provoke me into a verbal confrontation. i chocked it down to too much alcohol and just sort of refused to get into it with him. well this time did not prove any different. at the height of a friendly gathering (after he had too much to drink once again), he suddenly turned on me. now i will save you the lurid details but suffice it to say he was in rare form. now thankfully he is not very bright and i was able to hold my own with him (well in all actuality i creamed him) and he backed down with a few sputters of "yeah yeah sure that's real adult" or something like that, and melted into the apartment. now none of this transpired with any shouting or vulgarities but it was heated enough and the attack on me was personal enough to leave me shaking. and FUMING. i never want to talk to him nor see him again. end of story. done. fin.

well it's not really the end of the story though. because he felt like he needed to apologize afer his sister ripped him a new asshole about fighting with her friends for no reason. (yeah, he's a winner, he didn't only try to pick a fight with me ... apparantly it's a habit with him) so his apology email goes something like "uh, i don't know what i said or did because i was drunk but i want to apologize. it wasn't personal." i replied stating thank you for your apology since the conversation was ugly and not very pleasant. have a nice rest of your trip. he replied stating "yeah well i seem to do this more often then not but i am in therapy and it seems to happen when i drink too much. blah blah blah"

sorry but i do not accept that lame attempt at an apology. his behavior is not acceptable and not only was it personal but it was disgusting. i think people have some serious issues with personal responsibility. i'm sorry that people sometimes think that they had a horrible childhood. i am sorry that they have in fact had a horrible one ... that does NOT entitle people to hurt others. it does not entitle people to cut people down whenever they have too much to drink or feel bad about themselves or need to move. it is not acceptable.

at what point as a society do we call people on their own shit? when is it ok to NOT feel bad about not wanting to accept someone's apology? because let me tell you as much as it felt good to tell him "i am happy you are getting help but because of your past behavior towards me i still would rather not speak to you again", ... i feel bad. is that my fault? maybe a teeny bit because i allowed him to engage me in a conversation that i felt had the ability to go south ... but am i to BLAME? no.

so to sum up, the reason that i am not writing right now (if you can take this rant as not writing) is because i feel frayed. life is out of joint right now. and i hope it rights itself soon. because i've been lame in my questions i am supposed to ask you people.

the $1 answer and the next $10,000 question

2005-02-10T18:05:00.000-08:00

I have been accused of being such a mom when it comes to judging anything ... so politically correct because i don't want anyone to lose. but really, this time it was difficult. if i only went with the answer that made me laugh it still wouldn't help my decision.

so the only thing i can tell you is that darth's answer ... well it sucked. :)

oh yeah, and one more thing ... apparently we all have either a mighty fear of animals or an unnatural appreciation of them.

so with that in mind, let us go on to our next question:

Question 2: What if humans could change sexes at will?

your answers are highly anticipated.

In celebration of Deep Throats' return to theaters - Überband

2005-02-08T09:16:00.000-08:00

(totally shameless plug)

Not that we know anyone who is going to go see it (or *ahem* anyone who has seen it the first go around).

So to honor this momentous occasion Überband will be performing their own special brand of smut on Thursday February 10th at 11pm at The Joint. Come see what the critics are hailing as “a form of pleasure previously considered taboo”, “inherently inventive in its explicitness”, and “wow, Ryan’s ass used to be so much higher”.

Come join the wholesomely perverse fun with us, won’t you?

The Joint is located at 8771 West Pico Blvd., Los Angeles CA 90035 (east of Robertson).
The flyer above lets you into the show for $6 … print out as many as you’d like. Give ‘em to friends, give ‘em to enemies … oh yeah, and give one to yourself too.
So come join us for a night of deviance that will make Nixon roll in his grave!

ÜberPorn Queen and PR Princess

http://www.uberband.com/

edited to put the correct date

the $10,000 question

2005-02-03T14:59:00.000-08:00

a friend of mine was talking about an entrance exam she had to take for an internship program she was dying to get into. apparantly they must answer some strange questions with as many answers as their clever little minds can come up with. then the examiners look at all the answers and throw out the most obvious and see what is left. i guess that is how they decide who becomes part of their program, the ones who think outside the box and creatively come up with scenarios that no one else have thought of.

i think that seems like a much better interview process than the normal one we have. i mean, what if, in addition to test scores we were rated on our creativity? i intensely beleive that this is what is missing in today's society. an ability to think on our own. to come up with answers that no one else has ... to imagine that the possibilities are still endless.

some days it feels as if we are brainwashed into doing things a certain way because "that is the way it has always been done". how did we become a country full of lemmings instead of a forward thinking, inventive one?

so until further notice, each week i will come up with a question and ask you to submit 1 or 2 answers (or as many as you can come up with) for the enjoyment of everyone who reads this blog (which seriously might end up being just me - come on, entertain me). i will then post the most creative/intelligent/funny answers the following week preceding the next question. sound fun? i thought so. i think the intent on these questions are to think of the ramifications on the world as a whole (or your community, or house, or country but just bigger than yourself).

and now, without any further ramblings ....

Question 1. What if humans no longer had to eat?

i anxiously await your replies.

(an old poem for d)

2005-02-01T16:01:00.000-08:00

home

no more false starts or
getting lost or
barely sustaining on this side of empty,

no more wandering,
driving aimlessly,
peering at each street sign

hoping that somehow i would figure out
how to navigate by the stars

since no one else seemed to be able
to show me
or to even understand
what i was asking

and if they did, they only ever succeeded in getting me more lost

yet i knew that it was somewhere,
this belonging, this wholeness, this happiness
yet no one could tell me what city it was in,
what street it was on,
what world it even resided,
or even point me to a map with a little arrow that showed me in big bold letters
you are here

and then came you
the magnet that is pulling me toward
this birthplace, this motherland, the only place
that can quench, complete, fix, sate me
that is lodged
in your heart, in your mind, on your lips
and the only way i will ever feel right is to be near you
where i can
listen to it, feel it, touch it, hear it, taste it
and be alive, happy, healthy

so i do anything, trying to get to you
crawl, walk, run, fly, drive, swim, even dream
anything i can make my body do
the instinct to flee into your arms so overwhelming
that my breath leaves me empty,
sucked out by some invisible force
being drawn to my home that is pulsing within you

and now,
i seem to be able to navigate the landscape easily
even when you aren’t beside me
as if, reflexively, i know the direction that i am headed
because it is outlined clearly on my window pane
that map that is your image
your face hazy yet still brighter than the stars
who are jealous of how you outshine them
envious of your innate ability to navigate me

i feel no need to stop off at the nearest rest stop
to ask for directions,
or find out what path someone else thinks i am on,
or allow myself to be questioned about my route
all the things
i used to think that i needed to show me the way
because i know that everything i need
is inside my soul,
waiting for me to come home

to a place that i had previously thought
was never going to be real

he's just not that into you (or how can i look so smart, yet be so dumb?)

2005-02-01T07:47:00.000-08:00

origami - by ani difranco

i am an all powerful amazon warrior
not just some sniveling girl
so no matter what i think i need
you know i can't possibly
have a need in this world

come and come for that sweet sweetness
i'll be your never ending vending machine
i could never need to be alone
never need to be my own
as much as you need your queen

i know men are delicate
origami creatures
who need women to unfold them
hold them when they cry
but i am tired of being your savior
and i am tired of telling you why

and since when did this me me me
become the be all and end all of me
oh listen to you talk to me
long time love has got to breathe, babe
you got to let it ebb and flow
if you want a ball to bounce
you gotta let it go
just let it go

i know men are delicate
origami creatures
who need women to unfold them
hold them when they cry
but i am tired of being your savior
and i am tired of telling you why

once upon a time i used to be dumb. not silly dumb, not crazy goofy ... dumb. i acted like an idiot, so completely unlike myself, that even now i wince when i think of it. this was a few years ago, just a little over 3 to be exact. it's hard to admit, but in order to give you all the benefit of my intolerable idiocy and help you to NOT be like me (well, in the past), i will throw it out there.

i dated a guy who, for all intent and purposes, turned out to be nothing more than a placeholder boyfriend. i actually lived with him for a little while. i let him take my heart out every day and stomp all over it. rip it into little pieces every chance he got. let him take out his anger and frustrations and inadequacies on me whenever his little (and i do mean little) heart desired. why do you ask? because i didn't think much of myself. because i felt like at least with him, there were no surprises. that i knew what i had with him ... nothing. so i didn't have to worry about my low expectations being surprised with anything less. i used to joke to friends (some of you actually heard me say it) that "this is just going to end so badly". i JOKED about it. did it make it any easier when it did? no, i just as hurt and angry when it ended than if i had actually thought there was a future in the relationship.

the reason for all of this coming to light is a book cowritten by one of my favorite comics Greg Behrendt. if you guys haven't heard of him before you really should check him out. he used to write for sex in the city. he also has a comic routine that just about makes me pee in my pants. well i guess he was surprised by how many women actually believe some of the things guys say to them and wonder why their relationships don't work. it's called "he's just not that into you". read it. it will definitely give you a laugh (if not enlighten you a little bit).

the funny (and infuriating) thing about this book is that as smart as i think i am, my exbf lived up to just about every chapter in that book. and not to place the blame squarely on him (although to be fair, he deserves MORE than 1/2 of it), because i made just about all the excuses that were in the book for him. you see, i didn't believe that i was: 1. beautiful, 2. smart, 3. worthy, 4. sexy, 5. funny, 6. strong enough to have someone love me exactly how i was. i changed for him. he hated strong women and so i made myself passive. i allowed myself to play a small insignificant part in his life, not a major role. i must take responsibility for that. i knew that i should leave. i knew that he was never good for me nor would he ever be. not only that, he was not ever willing to look at me as someone that was good enough to try for. and in some small way, i looked at him the same.

now, i could lie to you and say that at the beginning with the exbf, it was all lovely and fun. it was not. i could try to make myself feel better (and look better) by saying that suddenly he just changed. it wouldn't be true. i was never enough for him. i was not what he was looking for. and i know that the reason he was with me was that it was better than being alone. it sounds harsh and awful. but in all honesty, in part that might have been part of my reason too. now, don't get me wrong, i did care about him but i didn't really think we had a future. there were too many things that didn't sit well with my heart about him. but unfortunately for me at the time, i am not the type to sleep with someone without giving it the college try. and MORE unfortunate for me (but extremely fortunate for him), i am trusting. i would never have dreamed that he would sleep around. i guess my character judgment was off. and if that sounds too much like i am making excuses for the behavior, i'm not. i know that i wasn't the one that decided to betray my trust. that was all him. and even after i gave him the benefit of the doubt, it continued. of course, that i didn't know until after we were completely done. there is something to be said for listening to all the signs, cuz dammit those things were singing an opera in my head. i was just hoping for a little more respect. didn't get it ... but i can't blame anyone else but myself for that. that portion of our relationship going downhill was just trying to keep up with every other horrendous aspect of our relationship. i was right all along ... it was going to end and quite disastrously.

note for all the girlies out there who are confused about their relationships: when the mom of the guy you are dating is telling you to break up with him ... do it. it will save a lot of heartache and trouble. believe me. no one knows better than their mom. wow, i liked that lady, a lot. she's about the only thing that i miss from that relationship. i hope she is happy and doing well.

so back to the book: the great thing about it was that it showed another side of men. it showed that there were guys out there who think i (you) are the hottest, smartest, funniest, most gorgeous creatures out there. in short, it reminded me of *d*. i know that sounds like a sappy hallmark card, but it's true. because for every line that i read that talked of the heinous things my exbf did, there was another line of the next guy who did exactly what *d* did in those situations. there were a few little sentences thrown about the book about this future guy, how sometimes he knows you even before you're done with assmonkey guy. which is exactly how it was with *d*. i remember him telling me quite a few times how he couldn't believe that i was with a guy who would treat me like that. i remember how *d* looked each and every time he saw me, like he was actually happy to see me. i remember that no matter how much time had passed, how *d* would just email me or call me up to say hi, and wonder how i was. most importantly, i remember how i felt whenever i was around *d*, even before we started dating. i really felt like i was the only woman in the world. something i had not felt with assmonkey.

so, as *d* and i celebrate our blissful year and a half, i sit here thinking about how lucky i am. how i realized (finally) that i am worth being loved for exactly who i am. that i listened to my heart and took a chance on a guy who was going to complete me, compliment me, appreciate me. a guy who, every chance he gets, makes sure that i know how special i am to him. someone who is not looking at me to fill the void in his life because he doesn't have one. a guy who makes me remember that it is ok that i don't have one either. a guy who isn't with me because he is lonely, but because i make him laugh/think/talk or just make his heart skip a beat. a guy who is not afraid of me or my life or my voice.

and now, i just don't feel so dumb anymore.

brown paper packages tied up with strings ...

2005-01-21T08:12:00.000-08:00

because i am back in the list mood this year i thought i might share with you a few of my favorite websites (in no particular order). i am not sure how any of these go together ... i'm not even sure sometimes how i found them or why i look at some of them every day. oh well, i'm strange ... deal.

http://www.gabeleonard.com/ : this man's artwork is breathtakingly beautiful to me. he used to sell copies of his artwork on the venice boardwalk and each time i saw him i would buy one. i've given some as gifts to my girlfriends. strangely so far, 3 of his paintings look very similar to 3 different girls in our group ... hmmm.
http://www.quinnster.co.uk/ : ok, this one i can't explain really. yes, i had braids ... yes, i am going to be getting them again in a couple of weeks but am i going to do it myself? the answer would be no.
http://www.somethingawful.com/cliff/ihateyou/: ok, this one will get me into trouble, but i seriously laugh my ass off when i'm on this site. i don't go as often as i'd like and probably more often than i should.
http://www.jacksonwhite.com/ : i came across this cute little guy one day on cafepress.com. his family has set up a store to sell tshirts/mugs/bumper stickers, etc to help pay for his medical costs. go there, read his story, cry, then donate. it will make you feel better ... trust me. GROW CELLS GROW!
http://p080.ezboard.com/bhair18356 : one of the most informative sites if you are interested in dreads, braids or extensions ... the people on this site are AMAZINGLY TALENTED.
http://www.strangebuys.com/ : please see the top of this topic (before the list starts) for any semblance of a reason that i go here (hint: it's right after "oh well," and right before "... deal".)
www.crimelibrary.com : i am addicted to this site ... i seriously should have been a forensics detective ... or in jail for something incredibly heinous. i really scare myself with the knowledge i have obtained from this site on the history of serial killers. go ahead ... quiz me.
www.uberband.com / www.laverband.com : did you think i would let this list slip by without putting in my favorite rock gods website(s)? he's so cute ... in that maniacal sort of way.

i retain the right to update this list as i see fit ... or as i see unfit ... same difference.

To Do List

2005-01-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

My best friend Matt has a new girlfriend. Well she's actually not new, she's been alive for quite a bit of time, but she is relatively new to his romantic intentions. They started dating in October and I couldn't be happier. Why? Well she is one of the 7 girls that I hang out with, one of the infamous best girlfriends circle.

Now from what I hear sometimes it gets a little hairy having your friends date ... not so on this one. maybe it's cuz he is one of my oldest best friends (and someone i dated for a while) and she is one of my best friends (whom i've known for over 3 years now) AND they are incredibly perfect for each other and deserved of each other like no other couple i know. maybe it's just incredibly wonderful to see them both so happy. maybe it's just amazing to see love at first sight happen before your very eyes (when it's not you and you can actually SEE it). i don't know what it is, but in any case, our circle of friends all get giddy when we see them together.

why do i bring this up you ask? well, as my title suggest this will eventually turn into a list of sorts. and the reason i started out with Matt was because he said something really cute about what he and *k* are going to be doing this year. every month they will be traveling somewhere together. a mini vacation. doesn't matter where, could be san diego, could be hawaii, could be europe ... just somewhere. so that they start to build memories together. it's so romantic and cute i can hardly stand it!

unfortunately, this will be impossible for *d* and i to do. for one, i have children so spending that sort of $$ on something every month (no matter how small of a trip it is) is not possible. two, *d* and i have hectic schedules ... he is in 4, count em, 4 bands ... 2 of which play regularly, 1 that is on a hiatus and the other could start up again at any time. he also helps friends out with their music projects, has a full time job and teaches guitar 2 days (sometimes 3) a week. ok, so HE has a hectic schedule. and three, i just don't have that sort of energy for planning. i start planning something like that, i start to get nervous and freak myself out. i am more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants sort of girl.

so, without giving myself a panic attack, below i have outlined a few of the things i would like to do at some point (this year, next year, 5 years from now, who knows ... i won't pressure myself damn it and you can't make me!):

Take a trip to Europe. i would like to have at least a week to explore (without any sort of tourist trip planned by a helpful travel agent where they take you on a bus with a ton of other people) all of the places that live in my dreams. Ireland, Italy, Greece, Spain, Belgium, Russia, Holland ... i don't need long in each of those places at first, just a taste to see if i would enjoy spending a week at one of them.
Take a photography class. i would love to be able to take pictures in that artful way that some of you have. i want to see if i have an "eye" for it. actually i'd be happy not cutting peoples' heads off in a shot.
Dress up in a wedding dress. ok, that sounds like such a girly thing to say, doesn't it? when i got married before we eloped so i didn't get to even try one on. so i don't really need to have a huge wedding at any point or a huge dress ... i'd just like to try one on though. the idea of the dress is so captivating to me ... until i think of the wedding, then i just want to sit in a corner with my thumb in my mouth rocking back and forth.
Learn a different language - correctly. i recently bought a cd set on how to learn italian. it rushed through the process so fast i thought maybe i had misread the back of the cover. maybe it is supposed to be used if you already KNOW the basics and you need a refresher course. what was it you said lady ... did you say where is the bathroom? or how do i catch the train? how am i supposed to know which word means what? is it learning through osmosis or memorization? how can i go to italy with the half-assed language skills i have acquired through this language program. bottom line, i can't. if i do, i'll end up getting accosted, or thrown in jail or something. it's like getting a tattoo in a different language & not being sure of what the language is ... somehow you deserve to have "ASS" written on you indelibly because you didn't properly research. so yeah, i need to pay more that $40 to learn italian.
Take my kids on a train trip up & down the coast. the thought of watching their little faces as they see things they have never seen, fills me with such incredibly happy feelings. i love seeing them learn things and have fun and to me this sort of fits the bill. we could stop at all sorts of places, go to tourist sites, eat bad diner food ... whatever. the world is at our feet ... ok, the coast will be.
Learn the tango. cuz i can't dance ... at all.
Try on colored contact lenses. i would love to see what i would look like with green eyes.
Snow Ski. i've never done it. sounds like fun. til i break a leg.
See the Mayan Ruins. not sure if that is the best idea i have. considering that i am allergic to everything ... flowers, bugs ... and i hear there is a lot of both of those there.
Go back to running every weekday and taking a pilates class 2x a week again. the flab is OUTTA control. UGH.

at the moment that is all i can think of. i know there is more that i would like to do but seeing as i've only had one cup of coffee so far today, all i can think of is that i want another. on that note:

11. drink more caffeine than a body should every have. to hell with traveling ... give me stimulants.

dust in the wind

2005-01-19T20:55:00.000-08:00

this new year has started making me feel a little less melancholy about things. i had a great holiday at home and in ohio. the white christmas i fully believe made me feel more connected with the season. i didn't feel as disconnected as i had in the past going away for the holidays. i did have my boys for christmas eve and for the new year weekend which i am sure couldn't have hurt how good i felt about 2005.

this year has started to take a turn that is happening at blindingly quick speed. as of march 1st, *d* and i will be moving in together officially. one of my best friends will be moving back home for school as of february and we are taking over her lease. the apartment is fantastic (even if it is a one bedroom) and she is leaving all of her furniture for me to have (at a DRASTICALLY reduced price). one of the many selling points of the place is that it is in the same complex as 2 of my other best friends (the group of 7 girls that i hang out with on a daily basis) so we will have a feeling of community already built into our new home.

the only problem that i can see so far is my ability to panic about menial shit. because it will be in the same complex as my friends that means that my apartment must be in the same sort of shape their places are. now don't get me wrong, this is NOT put upon me by the girls ... they love me regardless of how my home looks. it's me ... all me. *d* could care less what color our walls are ... what sort of furniture we have ... as long as we are together. i feel the same on one level but on another i am in a complete panic state about it. so much so that i was at home depot ... HOME DEPOT ... uh, what the hell happened to me? for some reason, i feel like i can't be completely at peace until my walls are the perfect color ... UH ... someone stop me ... please.

and we are getting a puppy this summer so that makes me less stressed ... sorta. i am terrified that our dog isn't going to get along with our friends dog ... that we'll be outcasts because my dog is a heathen or something.

so things that i remember from the past month that i found memorable (good or bad):
1. we made real homeade cookies with the boys on christmas eve. they each got to make them their own special colors (as always blue for the oldest, green for the middle and red for the baby).
2. i made my first snow angel ever ... well actually it was a snow devil (i put horns on it)
3. i got a glimpse a jealous streak in me ... yes, me ... it was distressing ... horrible actually. we were in ohio and i was feeling like i was having a bad hair day when this girl who was a friend of *d*'s family starting hitting on him BIG time ... totally pretending that i wasn't there. now for all of you who don't know me this normally is not an issue. and *d* (true to his form) did not even notice that it was happening ... but the girl was RELENTLESS. and unfortunately i am completely incapable of tearing girls apart to make myself feel better. so all i saw was that she was gorgeous ... amazing ... doing the little hair flip thing ... trying to engage *d* into conversation (he just kept talking to his family totally oblivious to what she was doing) ... and then i saw it ... the one thing i could fixate on that somehow made me feel better ... man hands ... she had 'em. somehow her being less than perfect made me feel ok again. yes, it is a terribly stupid girl thing to say but it's true.
4. all my best friends came together before christmas to give me all of their winter clothes so that i would be warm. i had gloves, mittens, scarves, snow pants, winter jackets, sweaters, snow boots, hats, thermals ... and best of all, the only thing i needed was *d*.

Happy New Year to everyone ... I hope 2005 is as wonderful to all of you as it has been to me. I promise to start writing more (and better than I have tonight).

Love you all!

Santa Baby

2004-12-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

this weekend my children had the chance to sit with santa and tell him what they wanted. other than my youngest, they know that santa is not a real dude. i would love to think that even if they do not believe that he actually comes down the chimney and hands out presents if they were good i would love to think that they still have that sort of glinting hope that maybe, just maybe it could still happen. hell, i still hold out that hope.

so as we were waiting in line for my youngest to speak to santa, he looked up at me with what i can only describe as complete panic. he had NO idea what he was going to say to him. he really is a strange child. not strange like weird ... but strange as in different. he never asks for anything. he doesn't want anything. he has always been like that. he gets amazing grades and each report card he is rewarded by going to the toy store or video store or wherever to pick out anything he wants. he takes hours perusing the aisles. he holds something in his hand and then puts it down after going up and down another aisle. he is never sure if he really wants something so he wants to think about it. what 9 year old does that? he has been doing it since he was old enough for us to ask him what his little heart desired.

one year he asked santa for a fly swatter. seriously. he was 2 1/2. he sat on his lap and, with a straight-face, said "i wanna fly swatter". he didn't want anything else. we of course got him other things ... including the fly swatter ... the biggest darned fly swatter we could find. i have no idea why he wanted one - but he played with that thing til it fell apart.

so this year the only thing he wants is a bike ... which i am getting for him and he knows that (much to my relief let me tell you - to FINALLY get him something he wants!?! sure thing kid ... any color, any make, anything!). so he panicked when he was supposed to tell someone else what he wanted. he fidgeted in line, tugged on my hand when we were next and said "um, i'm not sure i am ready, could we let someone else go?" but the other kids just sort of nudged him up (because it could take HOURS before he actually is 100% and they all know that).

so he sat on santa's lap, told him how old he was and that he had been a good boy and when santa asked what he wanted he very clearly stated "a skateboard and a hat for yellow bunny". ok, the skate board is an old stand-by he has for when people ask him what he wants ... he has told me that he isn't quite sure that he wants one because he hasn't found the perfect one yet (he has what it looks like in his head and i have taken him EVERYWHERE to try to find it to no avail), but a hat for yellow bunny?? yellow bunny is his rabbit that we bought for him his 3rd easter. a cute little yellow knit bunny from the gap. this bunny never left his side for 3 years (except for school) and he still sleeps with him every night at home. so what he wants is a hat ... that fits his stuffed animal ... as his christmas present ... from santa. if the world could only be that easy, that simple, that sweet.

i am continually humbled by him. this amazing little one who has been through so much, but asks for so little. he loves everyone. he is achingly sweet and so very smart & clever. he is not perfect, there are times where i must get angry and reprimand him but those times break my heart as much as they break his.

now don't get me wrong, i love him exactly the same as my other two babies ... and they are just as sweet and smart and absolutely delightful. he just caught me off guard this weekend. maybe it's the fact that he is my last one to actually believe in the magic of christmas. maybe it's because i know it might be the last year that he does.

i am not one who lives in the past, i would never want to be ... but at times like these i yearn for the days of footie pjs, chubby red cheeks and 3 stockings filled by santa. i long for the days of leaving cookies and milk & carrots for the reindeer and having to make these disappear by morning. i ache for "jiggle bells", "rudolph the red nosed braindeer, "merry christmas all of the ones" and "santa claus is comin' to down" ... the mangled mess of christmas cheer and songs that my children have individually uttered at one time or another. i wish i had more time ... more santa lap sitting. more awe each time there was a santa at a different store "mom! he's here at this place TOO! man, he's faster than the flash!". more interesting little questions "mom, do you think when it's not christmas the elves become munchkins and go vacation in Oz?" the innocence just slays me.

i know that they will let go of their belief in santa a lot earlier than i would have liked. but i guess if it were up to me ... they would never find out that i was the one who ate all the christmas cookies.

BTW - since i am not sure when i will have time to write again during these hectic holiday times, i would like to wish you all a wonderful christmas, happy hannukah, blissful kwanza or a lovely winter time (forgive me if i have forgotten your holiday, i am ignorant of most religions/practices).

i hope everyone takes this time to reflect on the past year and what we have and how we could possibly make ourselves better people. i am hopeful that 2005 will be more positive, peaceful and prosperous for everyone.

i yam what i yam and that's all that i yam

2004-12-09T11:57:00.000-08:00

a good friend of mine in grammar school had a siamese cat who was retarded ... literally. his name was twitch ... well because he twitched while he walked. he sort of lumbered around, his feet tying up in each other, trying to jump up on counters and falling about 2 inches short of reaching it - generally just bruising himself up on a minute by minute basis.

he would sit for hours watching bugs through the sliding glass door, every few seconds or so forgetting that there was a door in between them, he would lunge ferociously at them only to be stopped short by a very loud *THWACK* of the glass hitting his forehead. he would look around sheepishly and this quick clarity would come to his eyes before they would cloud up again with the instant pleasure of reeling himself in to pounce on the tasty morsels. we tried to stop him for a while but we soon realized that at least there he wouldn't hurt himself too badly like when he would fall into the toilet or fall in between the couch and the wall and couldn't turn himself over to get to his paws. so the afternoons at susans house would be punctuated by the sounds of *THWACK* *mrrrooowr* *scratch scratch* (silence for a few seconds) *THWACK* *mrrrooowr* *scratch scratch* (silence for a few seconds) ... etc.

what i've noticed is that there are a hell of a lotta people out there who could stand to take a step back from their lives and try to live a bit more like the retardo cat. he has instant gratification and yes, i know that he doesn't learn from his mistakes but he at least enjoys each second of his life (well except the part when the *THWACK* comes). there are those i see sort of wallowing in the misery of what they think their life should be instead of enjoying and relishing in all that their life is.

now i am all for being upset when things are really out of control (ie life threatening illness, death or sickness or injury of loved ones) but i think there are a lot of people that i know who tend to blow things so out of proportion that every minute detail of their life becomes excruciatingly difficult to overcome. there are people who feel defeated because they are over a certain age; there are people who feel that they don't live up to the reality of what they thought their life should be; there are people who are not happy with their station in life; there are people who are afraid that they will never accomplish what it is they truly believe is owed to them. those are the people i am talking about. these people tend to make everything a chore to themselves and those around them because everything is difficult and without joy. and i think it all stems from being afraid. and most of the people who i know who are like that have nothing at all to be afraid of. there have been no real traumatic/life altering things that have happened, but somehow they believe those sorts of bogeymen are right around the corner ... so they hide.

with everything that has happened in my life the one thing i know for sure ... i am not afraid. i will not turn away from life because i know that i have a very short amount of time here and once it's gone ... well, it's gone. i tend to be one of those trusting souls who no matter what has happened to me, the benefit of the doubt will always be given. it takes me a long time to get to the point of no forgiveness. so needless to say i am constantly being burned. but i have yet to leave a relationship (no matter how bad it was) and feel ashamed of myself. i tried, i paid a price, but i learned a little. there is no one in this world that i have willingly let enter my life that i have felt bad about knowing. even the ones who left me gasping for air, needing protection and first aid ... i learned about myself. i love that and i am not willing to change it.

so bring on the insects and the glass door ... i got my helmet ready.

oh come all ye ... starstruck

2004-12-08T08:58:00.000-08:00

so i am amused by this

http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/europe/12/08/beckhams.nativity.reut/index.html

i think the funniest part is george bush as one of the 3 wise men. and i just don't understand the samuel l. jackson one ... a shepherd? um, anyone see pulp fiction?

i'm not sure why everyone is so up in arms. it's not like they have never had portrayals of jesus before. i am assuming that they expect Madame Tussaud's to have a real likeness to everyone who was involved in the nativity. um, anyone ever see that? from what i can remember any movie portraying jesus of nazareth (with the exception of the latest one) always had a blonde dude with blue eyes ... never someone that actually looked like what jesus should have really looked like. sheesh, lighten up people.

and beckham and posh spice?? who could be upset at that? DAMN what's wrong with having a hot mary and joseph??

altho i will give you that kylie minogue, the angel flying above everyone, does look like she's ready for some serious anal sex ...

joyful and triumphant

ch-ch-ch-changes

2004-12-07T09:48:00.000-08:00

(my apologies to darth but this was in my head)

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

so the last few days i've felt as if my life is pulling out of this tailspin it's been in. now i'm not in the clear yet, there is still a large amount of smoke coming outta my back end but it somehow feels less intense. the apartment situation is still a daily battle. the lawyer has had a hard time getting a hold of the landlords but at least he has spoken with them. we have digital pics and video of how the apartment is NOT fixed, so that's good. actually, the place is worse than even i thought it was. the drywall is coming off in places and they tried to paint over the rust and mold and it's already showing through. also, the brand new carpet they put in? water stained from the leak. ahahaha. maybe i've lost my mind from too much mold inhalation.

i was thinking about my mood though. there seems to have been a lot of people i know lately going through some strange things. it seems as if this sort of thing happens every couple of years and it generally takes a while to get really bad, then *poof* it's all gone instantly - making us all seem a bit nutty. i know the last time this happened was right as i was in a bad relationship with _____. it seemed as if everyone i knew was having something strange or bad or weird happening at the same time. it all built up to this fevered pitch - everyone on edge, then ... he was gone, and everything else seemed to be ... and it was peaceful, for everyone.

are we somehow all connected even more closely than i had previously thought? i've always liked to think that i have complete control over my own destiny. that no one elses life impacts mine if i don't allow it. but why not? our moods are touched every day with how our SO or best friend or family member is feeling. and even more interesting is how women's cycles are impacted by the close proximity of other women. as much as i might seem a strong woman ... so NOT the alpha female. but can my body chemistry be that far off from my psychic bonds to another human? if we know the deepest darkest secrets of our loved ones, can feeling their mental pain be that far off? could the frustrations they are feeling pull our lives out of whack even for a second so that we are off kilter too?

i know that when our family was going through the little one's problems back in 1997, we tended to internalize all of the things that we were feeling and going through. we shared with one another, not with friends, our fears and thoughts. or we cursed the heavens or ourselves. i had no friends, no one to vent to because of my relationship at the time. but the summer of '97 was a strange time in our family ... my sister in law died in a car accident a week before the little one was diagnosed. my aunt died 2 weeks before that at the young age of 41. 3 months after the little one got out of the hospital my grandfather died. somehow, the energy surrounding us was bleak and black and not very kind. but like everything in this world - all at once, it was over. there were no other sorrows. and i believe that was the last time that feelings were shared as an extended family (my ex's and mine).

now all is shared with my kids & my friends. and that is equal parts amazing and scary because being connected means sharing in all of the profound sadness as well as the elation.

so, i am apologizing in advance if i have rocked your life boat any by sharing my trials and tribulations with you. but also know that my boat will always continue to sail through rough waters or calm ... and there will always be room for you.

weight of the world

2004-12-01T11:19:00.000-08:00

so, here i sit wondering what to do next. we finally got a call, well actually we got a voicemail because the guy is a freakin' asshole, that told us that we are officially screwed.

we were told that nothing will be replaced, that as of today i must pay my rent for the month or forfeit my rights and be evicted. there were lies on top of lies told about how i had moved in on october 26th because that was when everything was fixed. FIXED ... uh, i went there last night and NOTHING was done, the electricity was still out in the bathroom and the hallway, the screen door was still propped up on the wall outside, the crack in the wall still a crack, the doors for the hallway closets still in the living room, the refrigerator still full of moldy food. NOTHING, not one thing done that was promised.

i am at a loss. i was going on faith ... i know i know ... not very bright, but i have not put anything away because it's christmas time and i wanted to make sure the boys would hav a great christmas. in their own place ... but no ... it's not going to happen.

to top it all off i will not be getting my security deposit back. this man is out for blood and i don't understand why. he stated that i should have taken better care of my things and then i wouldn't need him to replace them. now i may be naive but i hardly doubt that any lack of care on my part could get my things full of mildew and drywall dust. i was not asking for much, just replacement of the items broken, or ruined under his mismanagement of the place. his son (who is part owner) agreed that all of these things happened because of them. now he is no longer returning calls and has stated in voicemail that his father is the one to talk to. and his father is not going to budge because he is a lawyer.

how do people sleep at night when they do these things? i have a place to stay thankfully. i should be thankful i suppose. and i am. but all of my things will have to be replaced. and everything will have to be moved to storage until i can save up enough to get another place.

and on top of everything else, i can no longer spend christmas with *d* ... i have to save every penny that does not go towards the boys presents for moving expenses.

i am at my wits end ...

being thankful

2004-11-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

for those who think i am nothing but a bit depressing and bleak ... i give you my list of things that make me feel indebted to whatever sort of being has been looking out for me or grateful to the chaos that is out there in the universe who just happened to throw these my way:

Oldest, Middle and Lil One ... they bring me an inordinate amount of joy, more than any other person in this world could ever hope to. i am by far luckier to have them in my life than i will ever be able to show.
Lil one's remission... 7 years so far. The hardest time is the first 5 years, because more often than not, cancers return during that time. his has been quiet and hopefully 100% dead & gone.
love ... i couldn't imagine my life any other way
*d* ... for everything, anything and all things
ms, sm, sg, gd, ja, dg, kh, kk, sc, hc, kw ... i finally feel like i have a family.
printed words ... motivation, inspiration, or just plain trash - doesn't matter.
blogging/forum friends ... you have touched my life in a way i didn't think possible. thank you for reading my thoughts, for being here to listen and for giving pep talks, critiscism, and laughs.

happy thanksgiving all. be thankful, well rested, and at peace.

inked

somewhere over the rainbow

2004-11-23T09:46:00.000-08:00

i'm not sure if i really remember this or if my mother had told me about it so many times that i have claimed it as my own, but my first favorite color was yellow. coming in a close second was orange. i loved them so much that anything i could ask for would be in either of those two. it went so far as to be the (or what i thought would be) the future car of inked ... a yellow Volkswagen bug with a biiig orange bow on the top ... HEY i was 4!! i only ate lollipops in those colors and i would pick out all the yellow and orange m&m's. i remember my clothing being abundantly yellow ... my crayons all broken and stripped naked of their paper covering except for orange and yellow, as if i despised even looking at the letters that spelled out another color. i was obsessed (i know, SHOCK, GASP, NO!).

i believe this phase lasted until i was about 12 at which time i looked about my room decorated in various yellows and oranges, and decided that i detested yellow ... i loathed orange ... i needed some citrus cleansing ... NOW! my room was stripped of anything that looked remotely yellow/orange ... the new colors were deep purple, sexy lavender, stark white, severe black ... bold, loud, harsh .. exactly what i needed to be away from the colors i thought of as infantile.

as the years passed, so did my inclination for those colors. i started to adopt a more varied wardrobe and more soothing surroundings. i chose colors based on how i felt that day, not just sticking to them because i was trying to prove a point. by the time i was in my junior year in high school, i had become more of a color whore. day after day, the colors would be different, i was not choosy. i felt liberated from the monotony of my self made pigment prison. but somehow, i still could not bring myself to wear yellow or orange. i couldn't look at either of those colors without feeling a bit claustrophobic ... feeling the overpowering box that as a child i put myself in because of my color preference. yes, pink had made it into my wardrobe as had peach ... but the exact shades of my childhood were still being unconsciously barred.

now as i write this, i am very happy to tell you i have crossed my last hurdle. i knitted a yellow and white hat last night and there it is, sitting right on top of my head. i'm not quite sure if it looks good on me (somehow yellow is always the color that people say looks awful on them), but it somehow feel right. i remember being in the store and picking up the yellow yarn ... and feeling connected. sounds weird, huh?

i think it just may be that i finally have come to grips with how things were in my past. that i finally know that neither yellow or orange are to blame for the way that i feel ... i know it may be hard to think that at the ripe old age of 34 i haven't figured that out before now, but i suppose i hadn't. now before you all think i am crazy i know that colors are not to be blamed for how my childhood went. but my room was the place i tried to hide in, to retreat to, to feel safe in ... and i think somehow i felt slighted by that. because i wasn't safe there. and rather than blame the obvious, as a kid i somehow deflected this onto the room. i don't know if it's normal behavior for our household, since i've never asked my brother how he feels. i do know that i've never seen anything red in his home since we were kids.

so maybe it's because i am more secure with myself, that i don't have to worry about hues filling me with dread. or maybe it's because i have been so disconnected lately that i realize that the sadness can follow you around even if your room is transparent.

kinda dumb ... kinda ... well, dumb

2004-11-22T09:25:00.000-08:00

so the puppy above is supposed to bark when you click on him. i think i may have f*cked up when i copied and pasted him. oh well.

i want a dog. badly. so, until i have my own place back ... the silly pink dog will have to do.

how is everyone?

whatever can go wrong ...

2004-11-15T18:55:00.000-08:00

hey there friends and neighbors. here's a tale about a girl who seems to have been gone for a bit because of things beyond her control. you see, she's been dreaming, nay wishing, about her apartment problem and how 'twas supposed to be fixed by the end of this here week.

of course, the saying goes, whatever can go wrong ... will. cuz just as everything was supposed to be fixed right as rain ... BLAMMO ... that there rug was pulled out beneath her and it looks as though she is back right where she started.

y'all know about her plight ... her apartment was condemned and she was in quite a jam. well, the landlord (who as luck would have it) was only 1/3 owner of her property, his elders were the other 2/3's. well that one 1/3 was having a might of a time trying to get everything done and fixed to her liking under the radar ... that is, he was quite scared of his parents so he was fixin' to do all of the work behind their backs. this included giving the damsel free rent for a while (since he fixed the apartment so that it was up to code) and reimbursement for all her ruined furniture/items. he was also gonna have the apartment exactly how she wanted it - everything all fixed right purty. well that was last week.

this week it seems that that youngin' (well truth be told he is in his 50's) is now in the hospital. we have no more knowledge of what is to come of his agreement with the girl. she is now back in limbo, living with various people and out of a suitcase.

now before you think that the girl has a black heart because she is not worried about the man, hold yer tongue. she is very worried, and not because he holds her immediate home in his hands. in reality she feels somewhat guilty about the whole thing. has the stress of it all caused him to get this sick? does she lay down her grievances and call it quits? she's not sure. she doesn't want anything to happen to the man. but he has been known to tell a few tall tales in the past. like the one about the condemnation of her apartment ... not really true. he was just trying to buy some time to fix up the apartment at his leisure. when she wouldn't go away silently he realized that he needed to make it right. the gal hardly thinks that the man is lying about the sickness, but she hates to think that he has been the boy who called wolf before.

so that's where she's been. here but without the creative bug to get her going to write something she is passionate about. for the most part, that's what she wants to try to convey on this here storypage.

so, keep the fires burning ... she'll come back soon to sit a spell.

alarm clock, you demon of the morning

2004-11-10T09:35:00.000-08:00

as my eyes shot open this morning, instantly alarmed by the sound of a thousand jackhammers going off inside my head, i realized how much i could do without the nasty contraption that is called the alarm clock. once my feet hit the floor, automatically heading towards the ungodly noise to shoot it/throw it/beat it/kill it now now now, i started to think. now this isn't normally a great time for me to start formulating ideas because things like "pj's to work aren't that bad as long as i wear dress shoes" or "i don't really NEED a shower today my hair looks fine pulled back into a ponytail all greasy like that" start sounding like good plans.

this morning was different however. for some reason - and i'm willing to bet that it is more than likely because of our recent list fascination on these blogs - my thought process was actually heading into a direction that i immediately recognized as something that could be written down. (it's kind of sad actually, that i am thinking of what i will write in my blog when i wake up now, instead of the normal "hey, the snooze button is the greatest invention since flavored creamers")

anyway, my mind started to make up a list of things i could do without, alarm clocks being #1 obviously. so i think that in my fuzzy-headed waking up, i was thinking of a perfect world. one where i am doing exactly what it is that makes me happy (and in that perfect world i would know what it was). all of these thoughts actually followed me into the shower and along with me on my drive to work (which, btw, is definitely NOT it).

remember that i am not thinking about people since that list would be FAR too long, considering that i am anti-social and mean-spirited some of the time. this list is just for THINGS that i can do without. the list of people will come later but will probably be filled with people that, more likely than not, would rather do without me instead of the other way around.

anyway, on with the show:

Alarm Clock - this god-forsaken machine is way worse to me than any sort of high-heeled shoe that pains my feet. i would be forever happy if i could re-enact the printer scene in Office Space with any and all alarm clocks. actually, any clock would do ... i am not a watch person, i do not wear one, nor need one.
Cell Phones - i get horrified looks from people when they find out that i don't have one. no, i don't have a pager, nor a blackberry, nor a text-er either ... whatever those mean. i am not into letting people have complete access to me. and yes, before you butt in to tell me that caller ID would let me know if i wanted to talk to someone, let me just tell you this ... if i had that capability on a phone, ALL calls would go to voicemail - then what would it matter if i had a cell phone?
Electric Stoves - who thought this was a good idea? i'm sure on paper it looks delightful, in reality, not so much. the forever warm up, the uneven cooking area, the forever cool down. and as funny as it is to watch a cat jump up not realizing that the burner is kinda warm (now i said KINDA warm, so don't start with your animal sympathizing, remember this is a cat who pees on the bed when she's pissed off), i really don't think that it should takes 2 hours to cool down enough so i can clean you off.
Perfume/Cologne - ok, come on, the majority of this stuff is rank. i think i could let this one slide if (and i mean IF) they gave lessons on how to wear it to each person who purchased some. i am not opposed to people smelling lightly of fragrance, what i am opposed to are the people who feel as if it is just as good as the deodorant that they forgot to put on or the soap they forgot to use. i hate to be walking down the street minding my own business and be accosted by a smell so horrific that my eyes start to weep. and btw, boy smell (yes AFTER a shower) is a way better smell than any cologne could ever be.
Powdered Creamers - should there ever be a need to use a miniblender to get something to dissolve into my hot coffee? i think not.
Small Wooden Student Chairs - you remember those torture devices ... the ones with the 2 bolts facing your back, the bolt that inevitably when you sat up, 50 hairs would be wrapped around the vile things? i think i may still have a bald spot from the 2nd grade.
Beets - i refuse to eat anything that dyes anything else near it bright purple.
Cheap Giveaway/Marketing items - now i am not saying that every company needs to spend a fortune giving away things that people would actually USE ... but, who in the hell uses all those pens/keychains/letter openers/post-it notes/mouse pads/yo-yos/stress ball/golf shirts that millions of companies give away at trade shows? being someone who has been to tons of these (both as the trade show-ee and the trade show-er) i can tell you, less than 20% use ANY of these items. sure, they come by, sure they get all excited and take everything you have to offer, but that is only because we have them in a place that has no windows and is pumping in extra oxygen. they don't want them, they feel compelled to take them ... and then later when you are closing down your booth, you can look into the trash bins outside the main hall and see how almost ALL of the items that were given out - not just at your booth but at EVERYONE'S booth has been thrown away. who in their right mind wants to cart all of this stuff back onto an airplane? you want me to keep your items, do me and yourself a favor - ship them to my work address - it will be cheaper for you and less hassle for me.
Television - i do NOT have it ... i mean i have a television, but i do not have cable, satellite or any other contraption that enables someone to actually watch the stupidity that is on it. my tv is a vessel from which i watch movies. no, not all of the movies are intellectual, some are down right moronic, BUT they are ones i pick and i do not watch them over and over (well not ALL of them).

this is all i can think of right now, i am sure this will be a never-ending list that will be added to on a daily basis. but i really need to get to work now - otherwise, why the hell did i wake up this morning? it sure as hell wasn't for the coffee.

Just to make me feel better today

2004-11-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

http://www.fuckthesouth.com/

what would the Indians do?

2004-11-05T14:05:00.000-08:00

i am no longer having thoughts of leaving ... well not in any concrete and final way. i know that i must keep my head on straight. i know that i must teach my children that no matter what, you must try and keep on trying until your dying breath. the faith that i hold so dear to me, the faith in humanity, will prove itself once again, i know it. i just have to believe and hope that nothing happens in the meantime to hurl someone over the edge enough to do something drastic. i hope the world in its' entirety will forgive us for what we have done. that they know that it isn't the people of america as a whole that have forgotten our place among humanity.

on another lovely note (or just to show you where my head is at), i just read a report on cnn.com about the arctic facing a rapid global warming http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/11/08/globalwarming.reut/index.html , i am afraid. not that i will be here to see any of this destruction in 100 years, but my grandchildren will be . it's not fair.

now i'm not going to go off on some rant about how the republican party is to blame for the demise of the polar bears ... no, i believe we are all responsible for that. but i do believe that some of the born again types have gotten it into their thick skulls that their god has placed everything on this earth for human consumption.

as my grandfather, a born again preacher, used to state to me regularly early on in my childhood: "God made everything on Earth for Man. Things will never run out that we need. Man is the supreme being on Earth and God, in His Divine wisdom, has decreed that we can use all that we want without worry. So don't worry about environmental causes because we are fine. God will provide."

as antiquated and completely bogus as those claims were, you have to admire a man who really believed so whole-heartedly in the raping of the earth as being "God's Will". especially from a man who was about 50% Blackfoot Indian. i never understood my grandfather, and he never understood his short haired, pierced, pants-wearing eldest granddaughter, but we didn't fight half as often as it seems we should have. he would rant in spanish, i would turn a deaf ear and, somehow, we got along. i was sad when he died at the young age of 77, but i was delighted that he lived over a year longer than the doctors predicted. he was stubborn that way.

i'd like to think that he never rectified himself between his belief in the white man's god and the Indian blood running through his veins, but that would be a lie. my grandfather was a white man who spoke spanish and preached to an all Mexican parish. he was a white man in a brown man's skin. my grandfather was a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. i know that his crutch was his god and that helped him to be a father to his 5 children and a husband to his wife of 56 years. before he was born-again he was a gangster, a hoodlum. he had been in jail and he was fully sleeved. i never once saw these tattoos until right before he died, when the hospital made him put on the hospital gown. they were faded and poorly done, but i never realized before that moment that he had had another life before us, it was a very powerful realization.

my grandfather made no excuses for who he was. he never apologized. he never wanted to understand anyone else's point of view. my grandfather had each republican president's picture up in his house framed in the spot on the wall between his grandchildren. my grandfather was everything that i was not.

yet, i loved him. in his crazy (to me) ways, he also helped people. i was never so proud nor surprised as i was at his funeral. when hordes of people came up to the family (the 4 eldest grandchildren were at the front of the receiving line) each wanting to touch and shake hands with us. to tell us in their broken english what Lupe had meant to them. there were at least a hundred. all Mexican, all poor, all full of hope and despair; for what were they to do with their lives now? my grandfather gave them purpose, he scheduled visits to their sister church in Mexico twice a year to help with tasks that the city was too poor to do themselves. all of the boy grandchildren and the sons had gone at least twice each to help, but only because my grandfather threatened with eternal damnation; his parishioners had gone of their own free will. together they had built plaza's, plumbing systems, houses. it was amazing.

although most were Mexican, not all of the mourners were. we had 3 prison guards who stood at the back the entire ceremony. after everyone had gone through the line, they came up to us to tell us thank you. they sent the love and support of all of the prisoners that my grandfather visited each and every saturday and sunday. they wanted to tell us that my grandfather had, up until 1 week before he passed away, driven to the prison each weekend and counseled the young and troubled. he gave them hope, but didn't give them a pass. he told them of redemption and of forgiveness, but never once told them that it was easy. he didn't tell them that God forgave all, but that he believed in them. he gave them understanding because he had been there.

because of that day i was able to live in peace with his memory and legacy. i had always thought that because we were so different, that because i dreaded each time i would have to go see him because of what he would pick on me for, that i would never love him. i realized that i could love him, and not understand him. i realized that even though we both had different views on the world that we could coexist because we were both doing good in our own ways. one no less than the other.

and when i start to get angry about this past election all i have to do is try to remember my grandfather. how he infuriated me, incited me, disgusted me ... but how i loved him for all of the good that he was. i have to remember that everyone is entitled to their own opinions as long as they are putting good out into the world and not hurting anyone.

i have to remember that he had his own internal battle between what was born into him and what had saved him from that blood. i have to remember that my way of coming to my conclusions of life are not the only way.

and to that, i will try to remain true ... for my grandfather.

My country tis of … them?

2004-11-03T09:47:00.000-08:00

I have been comically stating that I would move if bush was reelected … move out of the country … leave my home, my friends, my identity thus far … because of an outcome that I thought improbable.

Now, as I sit and try to regroup, the thought that should still seem laughable is actually relevant. Could I leave everything behind? Could I start fresh and feel good about it? I am torn between the feeling of disassociation with my motherland and the guilt that I have for having no sense of loyalty to it.

As we were watching the results come in last night; me & *d* in one place, matt in another, on the phone frantically cussing out the stupidity that was being shown to us; matt & I started talking about the move that we had been joking about. He had some interesting points (as he usually does).

Is one man more important than my country? Or is my country more important than one man?

I would normally have stated that no man is bigger nor more important than my country and all of the people who live within it, but this election has proven that theory empty to me. The election has proven that our country is this man. That we, as a country, have gotten what we wanted and what we deserve.

So is my country big enough to realize that certain things that I find fundamentally right, to be sacred? Do they think that human rights should be held up before any sort of religious ones? Are the rights of millions of females, some not even born yet, being subverted because of what one man/country has decided is morally the right path? Will our sex lives become public in hopes that we can eliminate any sort of objectionable behavior that may or may not be ok’d by one group of people?

Because I do not have these answers nor do I even profess to be CLOSE to being able to find these answers, the beckoning of another country sounds ever more comforting.

I have ties to different spots through family. I could easily move to 2 different countries and gain citizenship fairly easily. But, am I just exchanging one problem for another? Am I just running away from problems that I told myself long ago that I wouldn’t run from? That I would fight til my dying breath to make certain that the things I believe in will never be taken from someone.

Please don’t get me wrong, I do love my country. I love all that we have come from, the adversary, the oppression, the ignorance. But I love my rights, my children’s’ rights, my grandchildren’s’ rights, etc, more.

Yesterday made me feel like running away … today might hold something else.

But just in case, I need more winter coats.

my right to choose

2004-11-02T11:08:00.000-08:00

i am flushed and feverish. i feel full of energy and exhausted at the same time. my head spins and my breath catches in my throat. i am slick with a film of sweat that covers my body. i can hear the hushed tones around me.

i have voted and i feel alive.

beauty is in the eye of the ... knife?

2004-10-26T11:25:00.000-07:00

i was reading some of the comments that i have made in other blogs and some of the comments that i have received on mine because of some of my posts. i don't want any of you to be mistaken in thinking that i am hyper-sensitive about my looks. equally as important to me, i don't want any of you to think that i am stating some of these things because i am begging for compliments. neither of those things are true, and the last one is staggeringly untrue.

to understand where i am coming from i may have to give you a little bit of background on me. now i know this sounds tedious and maybe a tad painful, but bear with me.

i grew up in orange county california, land of the beautiful blue eyed blonde goddesses. i was not one of those and my mother, in all of her infinite wisdom, detested that fact. as a right of passage for some of us growing up there, we were shown off to local plastic surgeons in order to have them appreciate what little natural beauty we had and to show us how to ACCENTUATE or CREATE the actual beauty we needed. to make a long story short, at the age of 16 i came home to face a floor length mirror of my flawed self ... done up in all its beauty with various markings from the doctor (and i use this term lightly). the bastard had actually DRAWN on me. pointed out in big bold strokes where my imperfections were and what to do about them. i had a deciphering guide with me to tell me what each of the marks meant. i remember being extremely upset about the whole process but because it made my mother so excited, i held my tears in. i looked at the mirror for so long i started to look like some sort of dressmakers doll or a voodoo item ... all dashes and lines and dots and slashes ... cut here/pin here/redesign HERE. i realized how absolutely horrid i was, a freak, an affront to all that was beautiful and good.

i sat there for the entire rest of the afternoon, mostly slumped onto the floor. it was a strange thing, to not be able to look away ... but i had to see what improvements this guy thought i needed so urgently that he was ready to throw out my already teetering teenage self confidence in order to make it right.

so i looked at my face first. now for those of you who know me, i look pretty much the same now as i have always looked , 'cept back then even though i was a teenier girl i had a rounder face - i guess it was still baby fat ... not rolls of it or anything, but it was definitely softer. so he had marked some sort of weird markings that the legend stated meant thinned which i took to mean "needs to be". my nose had more marks and i know from the discussion (one of the only things i remembered) that they meant a nosejob was in order ... something about thinning my nose and stuff. my freckles could be lightened or something like that, my beauty marks could be removed. my lips were fine because they are full, but my teeth needed braces (still do). there was some discussion about removing the asian flap on my eyes but i think i started to scream at that point.

i remember dialing the telephone. i remember talking to G and asking him to come over. i don't remember what else was said. he took me out of the house, with the markings on me still and over to his mother. she was so horrified that she scrubbed me clean and proceeded to pace the house with more anger than i had ever seen in one tiny woman. she furiously smoked as she dialed friend after friend, asking them what to do. exhausted, she finally sat down next to me and looked into my eyes. she asked me if i was happy with how i looked. i was unsure of what she wanted me to say. she brought me over to her mirror with her and proceeded to show me the things on my face that the doctor said were imperfections. somehow she was able to undo all that had been done that afternoon. i felt better about my physical self, not completely but enough.

and that about sums up how i still feel. i am certain of many things about myself - my humor, my intelligence, my compassion, my empathy ... less so about others - which are always physical and ever changing.

looks are just a crap shoot - a genetics roll of the dice. i know that when i look in the mirror, the imperfections i see are harsh sometimes, blurred others. i know that i am not deformed nor hideous ... i am not visibly scarred ... i am lucky.

how others perceive me superficially i cannot help; sometimes they see me with the hard eye of the doctor - other times the loving eye of someone elses' mother.

all i can do is remember that what matters is the real me ... the part that is never going to be too soft, too round, too spotty, too crooked, too imperfect.

ooof

2004-10-25T16:28:00.000-07:00

some days it's like i've been punched in the gut

All this talk about old people in our lives has gotten me to thinkin'

2004-10-22T08:36:00.000-07:00

What did each one of the people who I thought were exceptionally important to me at one time or another really and truly bring to me? What do they bring now? So since we are still on lists (seems that we suffer from a bit of the obsessive) I thought I would mention as many people as I could remember who made a profound impact on my life - one way or another. I will try to do so in order but my memory is not as it used to be.

In some cases I have changed the names of people to protect them, on others I have lumped different people together so that if they happen upon my little online dish they won't feel hurt or embarrassed. So take a deep breath, hold your nose and dive right in:

Parents: I'm not sure what to say about these guys, good or bad they have both have made me (yeah yeah literally) into the person that I am proud to be today. Neither of them had the tools to be parents or functioning adults but because of them I learned to be a parent very early on. I learned at 4 years old that drinking daily to excess hurts those around you. I learned that you must fix your own problems because not everyone else will be there all the time. I learned that sometimes parents do not think their children are the most beautiful or most intelligent and that somehow children rise above that. I learned that sometimes you do just have to let drunks sleep it off. I learned that I can pick up pieces of broken kitchenware and not get a cut on me. I learned that sometimes you do run out of patience with people and that it's ok. I realized that even if someone is family it doesn't mean that they love you. I realized that toxicity is definitely thicker than blood.
Brother (first): He was born 1 day before my 3rd bday and I felt slighted. He was round and blond and pink and I hated him on sight. Until they unwrapped him and he looked at me. Then he became the love of my life. As time went by I took care of him, I beat him up, I teased him relentlessly, I hid him from our parents, I ran away with him, I hugged him when all was falling apart, I threatened kids 3x my size for teasing him, I read to him, I put him to sleep, I wiped his tears, I made him laugh. He taught me about unconditional love. I learned that sometimes family is the most important thing. I learned that kids are sometimes fragile and tough at the same time.
Cousin (W): My cousin and I were inseparable from the time I was a baby until we both got married and she moved away. She taught me how to laugh. She showed me that growing up in a healthy environment can still make you fucked up. She brought me endless friendship. She showered me with affection and attention and never made me question her love. I miss her.
Opa: My grandfather ... He taught me that everything was ok. That I was ok. I learned from him that even though I looked like no one else in my family that I was special. He showed me the importance of art, of jokes, of records, of smells and of voices. His voice had this lovely gravelly quality that I still hear in my dreams. He smelled of cigarettes and coffee (which I love). His fingers, hands and arms were usually stained with some sort of paint, as were the various books he was reading. He taught me that grandfathers sometimes turn into fathers and then friends. He taught me my first dirty joke - in Dutch. He sang awful but beautiful, so beautiful that I can still hear it each time I think of him, some far off voice singing in Dutch. I learned about how important spouses and children are, each holiday he recorded all of the grandchildren on this lovely reel to reel he had. And he recorded himself privately too, on days when he felt that he hadn't brought enough riches into the lives of his wife and children. The family found one of these secret tapes after his death, and from that tape he taught me about the soul.
Cousin (A): From him I learned that sometimes you just can't trust people. Sometimes people want to hurt you and there is nothing you can do. Sometimes it's not your fault. I learned from him, that I am stronger than I thought or than I look. I learned determination. I also learned distrust and anger. I learned humiliation. I learned ugliness. I learned that sometimes no matter how hard you try and how good of a person you think you are, there are people you just cannot forgive.
JW: My first boyfriend. It was 4th grade and there was this goofy new kid in school. Blond, green eyes, lanky ... He was beautiful. He asked if I had a bf, and wanted to be mine. We held hands while running to the playground. We stayed close but the relationship sort of slipped away when he found other boys to hang out with the next year. I learned appreciation for the graceless in him, he fell constantly. I learned that my family was not the only one that was different from everyone elses. I learned that I was pretty from him. Because of him, I learned how to grieve as he died 1/2 way through our freshman year in high school.
JM/JM/MG: From them I learned about superficial girl friendships. I learned that sneaking out can be fun. I learned that I am much more a chicken that I thought I was. I learned that strawberry hill does not sit well in a 15 year old stomach. I learned that keg parties can be more fun when you accidentally drop the keg on the hardwood floor. I learned that piercing yourself is NOT a good idea. I learned that sometimes our lives do not turn out the way we had planned. I learned that sometimes your childhood friends can't remain your adult friends because you can't grow with them.
P: I learned about power. I learned about sex and how it can easily get you what you want. I learned about romance. I learned that the two are not always together and that you wouldn't want them to be. I learned that people will do weird things for their friends. I learned that sometimes relationships are not cookie cutter. I learned my fascination for curly hair. I learned that intelligent conversation counts above all else. I learned that I like sweaters and glasses on boys.
G: From him I learned to surf. I found camaraderie. I learned that boys and girls can definitely be the best of friends and nothing more. I found complete acceptance and love. I learned that sometimes in your life one period can be so perfect that it hurts. I learned that even if I could I would never want to go back.
JS: I learned that popular boys are not what I want. I learned that I deserve a lot more than I give myself credit for. I learned that sometimes I give up. I learned that I could have very easily slipped into my mothers footsteps. I learned that I can take a punch. I learned that I can give one. I learned that no matter what someone does to me, they will not EVER break my spirit.
J: I learned about friendship and love. I learned about jealousy. I learned about laughter during sex. I learned about sweetness. I learned about exclusivity. I learned about patience. I learned about real heartbreaking pain. I learned about pregnacy classes and breathing and births. I learned that a good sense of humor and intelligence can keep a relationship going for years even when you make someone miserable. I learned that even when I thought I could never forgive, I can forget.
Boys: I learned that you can feel like your heart will burst from love and it never will. I learned that no two children are alike. I learned that sometimes putting your nail polish up "high" isn't high enough. I learned that kids can crawl into some really funny places. I learned that I LOVE to breastfeed. I learned that being pregnant makes me feel more beautiful than anything in this world. I learned that I can stand any amount pain without drugs if I thought it would affect my baby. I learned true laughter, true dread, true love. I learned about fear. I learned that sometimes the best idea is letting the older kid climb into the playpen to get away from the toddling baby brandishing the kiddie bat.
M: I learned about true loyalty. I learned about tenderness and calm. I learned about love that comes out of friendship. I learned that people are patient with you when they don't need to be because they are your friends. I learned that sometimes, even though you love someone, it's not enough for a love relationship but it is enough for a best friend. I learned that no matter what I do, someone will always be there for me.
Girls (et all): I learned that not all girls want to tear me to pieces. I learned that being goofy is fun. I learned that each and every day I can learn something. I learned I can knit! I learned that giving is more fun than receiving. I learned that life is NOT a competition. I learned that I love trading clothes. I learned that spending my vacations with a group of girls is one of the best things I have ever done. I learned that even though they look perfect and beautiful and confident, they think the same of me.
B: I learned what I will not put up with. I learned that sometimes you must let go of someone quicker than you did. I learned that I am better than some people. I learned that sometimes people have bad hearts. I learned that sometimes you just can't please people. I learned that I value intelligence, humor, passion, empathy over looks any day.
*D*: I learned that one touch can make you realize what you are missing. I learned that sometimes there is love at first sight. I learned that people can help you figure stuff out. I learned that music, laughter, love, and conversation is what I want to have in my life. I learned that I like camping. I learned that dreading long road trips is a thing of the past. I learned that I can have an adult relationship. I learned that I want to marry again. I learned that I am 1/2 of another and still a whole person. I learned that I'm not too weird. I learned complete love.

aren't you ....?

2004-10-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

someone told me once that i didn't look like what they had imagined i would look. i'm not quite sure what that means. i really don't imagine what people look like when i talk to them via email/im/phone (for work)/forums/blogs. maybe you think it's lie, but it's not. maybe you think it's weird, it may very well be.

so i was thinking, that maybe it would help to have some sort of distinguishing tell each time you conversed with someone via any of the above blind ways. maybe we should have descriptions of ourselves ... in our own words ... before we start chatting. example:

phone rings at work
before it clicks over to me a voice comes on and states:

"inkeddaisy: goofy, funny, compassionate, friendly, smart"

now the person calling has in their head a vision of someone like drew barrymore or carol burnett or janeane garafolo (until they hear my voice which never fails to produce one of two comments: is "your mommy there?" or "you know you should do voiceovers in cartoons"). which is sort of what i want to convey anyway. no messy wondering, no conceptuals based on whomever you happened to be thinking about at that moment, and better than that - no surprises.

now, you may be saying to yourself "BUT inked, you don't look like drew barrymore or carol burnett or janeane garafolo" - so yes there is ultimately a flaw in my thinking (not entirely unheard of). but i still think that you get to have the general idea of what i find most pressing about myself up front.

wouldn't it be great to have honesty like that in the cyber world? i mean you would be able to know that the dude who is posting in your thread is basically NOT a bad guy but just lacks certain social skills that most people have so you would be more understanding towards him. you would know before each person posted what they thought of themselves and what they thought was most important so you could actually see if you wanted to engage in a conversation with them. the possibilities are endless.

of course this is all based on the assumption that people are going to be honest, cuz:

inkeddaisy: 38DD, tall, blonde, rich, thin

it's a recipe for disaster

10 things you don't know about me - STOLEN IDEA!

2004-10-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

This is done with the utmost reverence to Ka ... a blogger that I saw while stopping to make fun of Darth ... the list they made is much more thought provoking and endearing ... mine just stems from being a copycat.

I am a sucker for country tunes, be it old and twangy or heartwrenching soap opera like. It's hard to admit but give me Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, Jerry Reed, Anne Murray, Kris Kristofferson, The Mavericks, Loretta Lynn, Dwight Yoakam, Rita Coolidge and I am a happy camper. I wouldn't listen to them all day every day but every once in a while, I need me some bootslappin' or some sobbin' music.
I have never seen The Godfather (any of them). Initially, I would assume it was because I was too little (1972 and 1974) for the first two to go see them. So by the time the third came out in 1990 I had never gotten around to catching parts I & II. I am going to see them eventually, since every guy that I date looks like I have killed small animals with my bare hands when they find out I haven't seen them.
I cannot eat if there is a fish tank around. Dead serious. There is something about watching the fish swimming around ... breathing in their own poop, that makes me wanna hurl. It's disgusting.
I never had Indian food until 2 years ago. How I lived in a city where they have just about the best Indian food in the lower half of our state for 10 years without trying it, I don't know, but suffice it to say I have rectified that problem.
I read the same 3 books every year because I love them so much: The Stand, The Handmaid's Tale, The Red Tent. I will be adding 2 new ones to the list: Of Love and Other Demons and One Hundred Years of Solitude (I've already read them both twice this year). I am always reading new books (because I am a speed reader and crave reading above all else) but when I am down, these 3 will always take me to a place of peace.
I am directionally challenged. Not a joke. I cannot for the life of me deviate from planned mapped out directions or I am screwed. While driving lost, I do not know east or west. I do not know which way the ocean is if I am in the city and if you ask me which way is north I am apt to tell you UP.
My first car was a Datsun B210 - blue. My grandfather bought it for me when I turned 17 for $1000. My sister (who is 15 years younger than me) loved my car so much that she named it the Smurf car. She cried when it got totalled.
I've only been broken up with once. My first pre-sex boyfriend. He went out with me for 3 months (which when you are in your early teens sounds like FOREVER!) and then dumped me out of the blue - to go out with some girl who looked like Madonna (he thought) and would let him have sex with her. He got her pregnant and became a dad at 16 1/2 ... and while his gf was giving birth, he was having sex with someone else behind a 7-11 across town. NICE, CLASSY, WHATTA MAN.
My feet are bigger than the average girl. Really, not kidding. I was supposed to be 5ft 9in - 5ft 11in (had my bones measured) but had back surgery at 14 where they fused my spinal cord together. Grew 3 inches during the surgery but no more (except for my legs which grew another 2 inches or so) ... so I guess my feet match the way I was SUPPOSED to be. Speaking of my surgery, I also had to wear a back brace for 23 hours a day from the time I was 9 til the surgery. The first 3 1/2 years the brace was the sort you saw on "16 Candles" with Molly Ringwald ... the part was played by Joan Cusack ... that was me, so laugh on party people.
I knew the moment I set eyes on *d* that he was the one. I told all of my friends even before I had talked to him. Unfortunately it took 2 years for us to get together because I was in a relationship at the time and no matter how hideous it was, I am extremely loyal. *d* and I would go to lunch and flirt but NEVER crossed any lines. Except for one time ... and all it was was a touch on my neck with his finger. Sounds harmless ... but I rushed back to my desk to call my best friend and tell him that I had just had lunch with the most dangerous man alive. The one who could tempt me.

the road to the luau OR they paved paradise and put up a picture of me

2004-10-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

so just when i think i am super cool (ok ok, maybe not SUPER cool but heading in the right direction of cool) someone yanks out a picture to prove me wrong.

so the picture in question is of the luau ... i think i mentioned it once or twice here so you all know what i am talking about. now let me just say that i think there is a definite change in how i come out in pictures and how i THINK i look. i am hoping the pictures are going to one day portray me in a dorothy lamour or betty grable kind of sexiness ... you know, not smokin' hot but smoldering in a sweet sort of way ( i unfortunately have the sort of face that will NEVER ever be considered gorgeously sexy ... not sure which ethnicity i have to blame for that). i just look goofy. there is nothing i can do about it.

i am a freelance make up artist ... so it's not like i don't KNOW what to do with my face or hair. it's just that my face is much more akin to one of the brady kids (an ethnic version) or maybe lilo's sister in that disney movie. oh how i have always wanted to look like the narrow straight nosed golden haired girls that grew up around me.

yes i know it was wrong, but i wanted to be an aryan princess - god help me.

so when i go out and get all costumed up (as i did for the luau), i like to think that i have somewhat achieved the oneness with the OC beauty that i have been chasing for so long.

uh - no

so this picture just sort of correctly portrays what i did achieve ... complete and utter silliness. an island girl who looks as though she has taken one too many hits off the ole bong.

well, i guess it could be worse ... i could be wearing a muu muu.

update on ghetto apartment

2004-10-11T14:09:00.000-07:00

** cue the theme song for Sanford and Son ... **

So there really isn't one. Went by there last week, looks about the same as when i was there previously, with the exception of the 2 inch layer of drywall dust all over EVERYTHING (no one covered anything for protection). All of the equipment is still all over the outside and inside of my apartment and now my door doesn't lock properly.

There is talk about it being finished sometime this month but until i hear from them - it's all up in the air.

dear god, are you there? it's me ... inked

2004-09-28T16:20:00.000-07:00

i know it's been a while since i've really sat down and chatted with you ... and i apologize the method as to which i am doing so now but i feel like this is a good a way as any.

i have never asked for much (ok, except that one time but i was 14 and i really thought boobs were important) ... healthy happy children, healthy happy friends, world peace, love ... seems to be a pretty small standard order there.

so now all i am asking for is:

* that my apartment be fixed. not half assed fixed like it has been in the past, not "sure it's 80% done" when it's really "50% at best" after 14 days of work (minus the sabbath of course).

* i'd really like to go home at some point and be able to put my clothes back where they go, because it's kinda sad to see them all on the floor attached to their hangers.

* i'd like to walk into my house knowing that my electricity will work (in ALL rooms). it's kinda scary to come in and find out that now some of the rooms that were fine before have NO electricity - it's like the electricians they send in have some sort of weird tool that takes away light not the other way around.

* i'd love to be able to open my door and not smell the overwhelming nastiness that is moldy carpet.

speaking of smells...

* i want to be able to walk up to my front door without retching because the carpet is second to the stench that the massive row of garbage cans that are now lining up outside my front door are emitting. the workmen have filled up every available one in long beach with various things such as moldy wall entrails, wet wood, nails, ripped and dusty tarps, empty beer cartons. now notice that i did NOT say rusty nasty dirty pipes, because some how these guys have decided that kiddie beach pails work much better than the trash cans.

* i'd like to believe in humanity again - i don't want to become all bitter and nasty because my landlords have said to me for the 3rd time that my apt will be done on friday.

maybe what i am really asking for is a miracle - but sometimes, if you really truly believe, miracles happen.

the memory of a ... spider?

2004-09-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

i think spider webs are breathtakingly beautiful and complex, the way they shimmer in the sunlight, how strong they are considering they are just one silky sticky string ... so i find it hard to believe that the construction operator of this could possibly be having some sort of retention issue.

how else can you explain the reasoning behind the continuation of this one web in the exact same place it gets demolished every single day. every morning the placement of said web is being built between a very busy walkway ... and every afternoon i come back to look at said construction - you know, to sort of say "hey how far have you gotten", "looks like that bedroom is coming along nicely", "its going to be a great family sized place i see" and all that - and its middle is gone ... all that's left are two sides hanging from its anchored trees.

don't get me wrong, i am not a spider fan ... in fact because the little devils LOVE (this is NOT an exaggeration here) to dine on me as much as spiderly possible, i would be happy if i could live in an arachnid free zone ... BUT it seems that there is a general lack of forethought to this location.

there are perfectly fine areas about 3 feet up from where he/she/it is starting the process ... no one is tall enough at that point to even brush up against it. seems that it would be a fine place to start something that seems to be entirely too time consuming to not care.

but now that i'm thinking about this maybe he/she/it does think about it. maybe mr/mrs/to whom it may concern spider relishes in the thought of someone coming down the path first thing in the morning, smelling and looking all clean and washed, planting face first into the sticky newness of the web. maybe he sits underneath a leaf just waiting for some silly biped to come whistling by and giggles mirthlessly when all of a sudden said human is covered in things so invisible yet disgusting that we can't help clawing at our selves and jumping around trying to shake it off ... the fear that the spider is somehow attached to these strings permeating our thoughts so thoroughly that we are spinning round and round trying to see our entire body like a dog trying to catch its tail.

as a matter of fact, the more i think about this the more it seems so aptly fitting ... that there is some sadistic twisted spider hiding out by me ... not wanting to bite (or maybe he/she/its not the biting kind of spider - yeah right) just wanting to torture.

so today, when i get off work, instead of searching for the web and feeling sorry to see its torn and tangled remains, i may instead, do a quick wayne and garth salute ...

i'm not worthy ... i'm not worthy ...

snuggle bunny

2004-09-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

he's too cute

Inkslingers Ball

2004-09-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

So Matt, *D* and I went to the Tattoo Convention this weekend. Couple of things I noticed about the convention:
- Those who were there fell into (generally) 3 categories:

Psychobilly/Rockabilly types - Can I just say that I find the girls in this category to be so amazingly beautiful! Their make up is perfect ... their hair is perfect ... their tats are perfect. Its like looking at pin up girls that someone has drawn on.
Gang members (be it Hells Angels or Street Gangs)
Normal looking people (for the most part)

Seriously it was spread pretty evenly among those 3 categories, strange.

- For the most part, the #3 types liked to be somewhat naked

- I am not as cool as I thought I was. Not that I am THAT impressed with myself but ... I dunno, I guess I think that my big ole tat on my back is beautiful and impressive ... it actually was hardly worth a passing glance from most of the people there.

Just goes to show you, no matter what I do, I will always be a geek!

The Flood

2004-09-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

So ... my apartment is screwed. The entire ceiling has to be redone because someone f*cked up and forgot to fix one pipe the last time it leaked. So that means the leak continued and crept all around my ceiling, invading the boards and all the other things up there (yeah i have no idea ... so what).

One week ... I am not allowed to stay in my place for at LEAST one week. Now don't get me wrong ... I love staying with *d*... i just feel like when there is no other choice, well maybe it's not a good thing, ya know? It's like I'm being forced upon his home ... i am the INVADER, the hapless transient ... the accidental guest ... i know i'm blowing this out of proportion but still. I'd like our time together to be because we GET to be together ... not because my house blew up.

Quick Change Artist

2004-09-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

I remember there was a doll that my cousin had when we were very small. The doll had this orange hair & freckles and wasn't particularly cute but I wanted her like nothing else on this earth. Her clothes were pretty bland and her movements weren't as smooth as my other dolls but did I spend many of hours pondering how to steal that doll. I felt a kinship to her ... she, more than any other toy I had or person that I knew, was what I wanted to be. Her saving grace? You could make her hair long or short with the turn of a crank on her back. Yes, you heard it right ... *crank**crank**crank* oooh lookit - she has LOOOONG hair ... *crank**crank**crank* oooooh, now its short again! *crank**crank**crank* down below her waist ... *crank**crank**crank* well, you get the idea.

At each family function, I would seek out this cousin (who, let me tell you, was not particularly nice to me, being older and much cooler than I) and beg to let me have a few seconds with this plastic entity that had been ripped from my soul. I would have never been able to put that into words at the time but I now know what that ache was. Separation anxiety.

I've noticed that I am not ever really happy with being stagnant in the way that I look. now I don't want surgery or to look completely different than I do. I am actually quite content with my looks in general principle. I am, however, addicted to hair dyeing and hair cutting. I really do HAVE to dye my hair because I do not like the grey that seems to have invaded my head as if I were some european country, but I am never ever satisfied with dyeing it the same color time after time. And once I do dye it I get antsy in about a week with how boring it is. (it doesn't matter the color I make it, after a week it bores me) So this whole paragraph brings me to the reason for this post.

I have been asked by my children (almost daily, since this is their favorite question) what super powers I would choose if I could. They never seem to tire of this. I have given them the normal answers (well normal to those of us who have seen Xmen) - I would like to have Rogue's power or I would like to have Mystique's power (which is very very close to what it is that is in my heart of hearts). But in actuality I would want something much smaller and much more in tune with my soul.

So here it is ... in all it's glory and smallness ... I would like to have the ability to change my hair at will. Color, length, style ... that is all.

Now don't get me wrong, I would not pass up the opportunity to have the power to ensure world peace or diffuse hatred/anger or invisibility. But those are way too important to bestow on someone such as me, I would be afraid that I would not utilize these powers in the way they should be. I would of course try, but ultimately I believe I would be scared of them.

No, I really think the world would be best served if I would just have that one small power. The one teeny tiny little gift that would make me content and therefore serve the world in the ways I know how.

And if that isn't possible, then if someone would just tell me where to find that doll.

Drip ... Drip ... Drip

2004-09-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

Still leaking ... not a word from the landlords. Well a couple of words, but who can understand them with all the mouthbreathing going on? jeez ... just fix my ceiling ... oh yeah, and how'ze about the electricity situation in the bathroom too ... yeah that'd be nice.

On a happier note ... there are no football games this weekend so that means that the entire weekend is MINE with the boys! mwahahahaha! My eldest has started football recently (freshman in high school) and every weekend so far has been taken up with scrimmage (sp?) games and practice games and the like, so it's been hard to get a few days when I can just have all of them 100%.

I'm finding that I've become more and more selfish regarding them lately. I don't know if it's because I know that it will be very very soon when they will want their weekends to be their own ... dates, friends, games, whatever. So I am holding on to whatever I can right now. Some weekends I just sit and look at them, at how big they've gotten, how little time I have left to have them all to myself ... and it hurts so much that it is quite seriously a physical pain. And then at that exact moment, my mood changes into one so filled with love and pride that it extinguishes any bad feelings so completely that it barely seems possible that it was there. Ah, Motherhood, it's like having perpetual PMS or Manic/Depression.

So, we received the test results for the last school year for the 2 youngest. My middle child (who just walks along to a different drummer) did pretty well - he is at average among his peers (which I am extremely happy about since it was his last year in grammar school and he really did a lot of just hanging out and very little studying - no matter how much we tried to talk/pressure/threaten/help him). He really should be doing better, but we have no idea why he is not. He is very well liked at school, makes friends easily and keeps them once he has them - everyone who meets him just adores him. He seems to not retain much of anything (except tv shows, video games and jokes) & he is very scattered. We are going to have him tested this year for learning disabilities since previous years tests have been inconclusive and we didn't want to stigmatize him or have someone tell us he needed to be on meds (we do not believe in them for him). He is very well behaved, not antsy or out of control, just doesn't concentrate at all so considering all of that, we are very proud of him for his scores. My ex says he has too much of his mother in him - haha ... yeah. Now before anyone thinks I am being down on him please know that I think he is one of the funniest, sweetest, most clever and lovable children I have ever met - it's just the conventional school work situation that worries me.

Anyway, the youngest (who we refer to as Little Man Tate) did exceptionally well. He has a photographic memory (yes, gets us into trouble more often than not) and his reading/language comprehension is amazing. He scored 1 -2 points below the highest gifted division (I don't remember what it was called and I don't want to sound pretentious so I withhold from calling it what I really think it was called) in 4 of the 5 core areas (language, math, reading and spelling) and in the middle of the mid level gifted for science for his grade level. His dad has a meeting with the school on Monday to talk to counselors - not sure why but they wanted the meeting. So, needless to say we are proud of him too. He is very smart, sweet and funny ... some days it is hard to remember that he is as young as he is. Then he'll make some joke about farts and I'll be reminded.

My eldest has yet to have any test scores come home from last year, but he did do pretty great his last year in middle school. He is far more social than academic but he still maintained a B average. He took one of his classes (social studies/psychology) for summer school this past summer so that he could have 2 electives instead of 1, and passed with flying colors. His football practices seem to be taking up a lot of his time so he hasn't gone out for any school plays yet or decided if he is going to run for student council this year. I (and a few of his past teachers) hope that he does, he really will make an excellent politician/debater one day - maybe some day I'll tell you all about his essays/debates/presentations he wrote in school. His humor, cleverness, insight and intelligence made a lot of people laugh, think and yes, a bit uncomfortable. We are very proud of him.

So, that is what I have been thinking about all morning. How much I miss them and how much I will always miss them because now that they are growing up that is part of what I have to look forward to - always missing them. But I know that with that I will also have this amazing love, pride and laughter that I will never be able to get anywhere else.

Viva Motherhood!

False Alarm

2004-09-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

it's dry and africa hot out again ...

move along, nothing to see here.

The Old Man Is Snoring

2004-09-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

It's raining ... I love the rain ... drizzling and misty ... still hot but god is it GORGEOUS out there

Leaking ceiling ... again

2004-09-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

so my ceiling in my apartment is leaking ... again. it was supposedly fixed 2 months ago - they tore out my ceiling ... went in from the apartment above, made a mess of my carpets and had the electricity in my bathroom go out (which, may i add, has not been fixed yet). wouldn't it be much easier (and less costly i would think) for them to fix it right the first time? now not only do they have to replace my carpets again, they have to probably tear out all the work the pipe worker (have no name for what he was) did the last time. so, they are paying twice ... sounds silly to me. oh well.

other than that, which should have made me in an exceptionally bad mood (maybe i need to start blogs on days that i do not have PMS or DMS), i am doing rather well. *d* and i are as happy as ever, still all lovey dovey ... *sigh* when does that end? does it? i hope not.

since we are such conceptual planners, we were talking about what we would be doing for the thanksgiving weekend. not sure if we should maybe plan a trip back to Ohio or go to San Francisco or just stay in town. last year we did this impromptu trip to SF that weekend after spending our 4 month-versary in Pismo Beach to celebrate. it was absolutely fantastic. i think we do rather well when we don't plan ... but it doesn't really do that well for our friends or family who want to know what we are doing and when. since i don't have the kidlets on Thanksgiving (it's a daddy sort of holiday for them - they go to hockey games in different states each year) it's really the only one that i can do those sort of trips. plus, since i don't have them, it seems to be easier on me to not be around things that remind me that i am not ... it's so sad ... still, even after all this time.

so maybe we'll just hole up in some offbeat place where no one knows us ... doing our little nomad thing. sounds absolutely perfect.

Why ya gotta be so nosey?

2004-09-07T11:47:00.000-07:00

so I'm sitting at my desk ... doing my work ... why do people who are passing by think it's ok to look at what i'm working on? no wonder i sound so grumpy on my blog!

Global Warming, oh how I hate you

2004-09-07T08:56:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was interesting. 100 degrees by the beach, seriously- a few blocks from the beach ... WTF!? Kept falling into those womb like comas, which then of course would be followed by me sitting up ramrod straight, sweat pouring off me like a waterfall with a look of murder on my face. I would then race towards the only possible nirvana ... looking like a she-devil, sprinting across the living room, hair dripping, eyes raving mad, fingers swollen from the water retention ... into the ice cold shower. aaah ... i lived in there this weekend.

How does a city go from a normal 75/80 degrees to 100 in the course of a day? and how is it that we Californians forget that every September we have this heat wave (albeit not quite this intense)? Well I can answer the second one with a very quick answer: We Californians are like mothers ... we forget the labor as soon as the child is born. It's a defense mechanism.

The first question is not so easy.

The intensity of the spike in the temperature cannot only be something I have forgotten over the course of the year. It was absolutely incredible how quick it happened. Yes, maybe that issue of Rolling Stone in June* (along with every other article that i have read lately) really scared me and seeped into my subconscious, but I don't believe that this weekend was some sort of normal occurrence. I am scared that this could become a normal part of human existence until we just can't exist anymore. I am afraid that one day the summers will be just too hot and the winters just too cold for people to live. No, I don't think that this will happen in my lifetime, maybe not in my childrens lifetime, but I feel that it is a VERY real possibility in my grandchildrens. How can I not think of that? How can no one? And what are we doing as a people to help prevent this? Not much. Unless you count hiding our heads in the sand until the days get a little more comfortable. We need to remember these days ... the heat, the severity ... so that next year not only will we be prepared, we can be a little more knowledgeable and look out to see if the world is a little hotter, a little drier, a little more ... well, MORE. or, we can just sit back and try to forget in the next couple of days what a pain it was to deal with the heat so that next year when our heat labor comes forth we can be in utter surprise ... yet again.

alright, off the soapbox now ... it's time to go back into my ice cold shower ... water retention is not my friend.

* for the article in it's entirety http://www.mongabay.com/external/rolling_stone_climate_change.htm

just pass the salt lick

2004-09-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

some days i'm just more sensitive than others ... i am by far the least jealous girl i know - most days. yesterday - not so much. i hate being a girl sometimes.

today i'm doing what i do at the beginning of every month - eating Midol like it was cereal. hate feeling crampy ...

tomorrow is the luau ... really do not feel like wearing the outfit for it - but i know i have to - i know after i get ready i'll feel fine. somehow i'll get my bloated nasty fatness into it (yeah, pms is fun aint it?). as much as i bitch about how fat i feel, that has yet to stop me from stuffing my face with all sorts of sugary/salty items then chastising myself about them as soon as i swallow... i know i shouldn't do it but right now ... just pass me another pringle dipped in chocolate ...

i am woman, hear me eat

Rants about work

2004-09-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

why is it impossible for people to do a few things to ensure a good and productive work environment? i know that i am probably culpable of a few mistakes from time to time in my daily work life but good LORD! here i offer a few bits of sound advise to hopefully keep me from wanting to stab you in the eye.

1. meetings - come in with some sort of knowledge of what the meeting is about. i don't want to hear about how you have been stuck in rush hour/had a slow waitress/emergency phone call regarding your tv that blew up/cable that went out/plumbing that exploded as the reason behind why you couldn't have possibly prepared your 3 line report on what we needed done today. you knew about this meeting 2 weeks ahead of time, stop your yapping on IM and get to work. and speaking of timeframes ...

2. be a little more empathic of other peoples' time. no, 3 minutes is not enough time to create the power point presentation for the sales team to take to the tradeshow that i just found out about 5 minutes ago. because our company is so cheap i have a computer that takes up half my work space and is as slow as a fucking dinosaur - don't expect me to be able to redesign our logo, compute sales figures, create advertising bar charts and forecast all the potential leads in any time less than 4 days.

3. please give me any and all details BEFORE i start the priority number 1 project. i am not a lazy ass - i am more than willing to work 12 hours on your project (and have), but i will get a little pissy if i have to do the entire thing over because you realized that the pink shade of the logo was, well, just not pink ENOUGH ... speaking of stupid

4. remember what it is our company does. no i do not think that handing out flyers for our company that designs wiggets for old peoples homes at the Ozzfest is going to be the best use of my time. don't get me wrong, i'll sit there and have a grand old time bebopping along to music that is more my speed than the stuff piped in at the office, but i can tell you right now that the last thing on these kids' minds is old people (Ozzie doesn't count)

5. yes, i know, i'm a girl that doesn't necessarily look like corporate america. if you must look at me and try to figure out the tattoos, then please do it and get it over with. there is no need to do it constantly nor reflect on it since i do not show those things in my work attire. yes i know you know i have them, yes i know you think that it's strange/weird/freakish/intriguing whatever. i actually think the way you get your hair all slicked down is kinda icky but i don't sit there and stare at it every chance i get. grow up and let's get our jobs done - i can do mine, that's why i'm here, hidden tattoos and all.

6. yes, i know, i'm a girl. different than #5 but no less frustrating. yes, i have boobs, yes, i have a bikini area different than yours. no i will not show you either. the one thing i will show you is the fact that i have a brain ... deal with it.

now if we all can get those things out of the way ... i have a presentation to complete, the pink in it isn't perfect yet.

GMail Invites

2004-09-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

is it even worth it to advertise that i have some left? i'm not sure why i feel compelled now to just madly give them away ... but it's like i might be left in the dark and completely uncool if i hold on to them. it makes me nervous. so if you want one, or more, please let me know ... they are yours for the takin'!

This mornings thought process

2004-09-01T09:10:00.000-07:00

well i've decided that i hate my apartment. well, i LOVE my apartment, but i hate the drive. i have to go about 20 miles to work and it's taking close to an hour and 15 minutes now. why is it that people insist on driving so retarded? i had one lady this morning on her cell phone (handheld) with a map on her steering wheel and her rearview mirror down (maybe to see what she looked like talking!?!). She was swerving all around and when she started to drift OVER the line into my lane i honked ... and she ACTUALLY LOOKED APPALLED AND PISSED OFF AT ME! i was flabbergasted. oh well ...

so, i'm not quite sure how people live in this town on the wages they pay. my apartment is relatively cheap for my area but *d* & i are wanting to move in and all the places we find in the area he wants is so expensive. we found the cutest place (2bdrm 2bth duplex) for $2250!!! what the hell is that!?!? i mean even if you had 2 people who weren't sharing a room going in on it - who the hell wants to spend $1125 to SHARE AN APARTMENT? esp since the landlady was a really old cat lady who lived in the back apartment ...

i think i need to move outta CA

I bet I should be posting exciting things here

2004-08-31T15:48:00.000-07:00

Nothing much to post about though ... going to the Ladies Night World Poker Tour Tournament thingie (i think that's what it's called) tomorrow. One of my best friends is in it (WOOHOO - go SHARON!) and we'll be there cheering her on.

Have decided that ebay is too addictive for someone with OCD ... I have bought too many patterns for halloween costumes then i will EVER be able to make or if i do make them, then wear ... had a wild hair up my ass about saving $ on buying costumes but just realized yesterday that after fabric and notions and time the costume will be just about the same amount of money and the most effort I will have to bring to the table is ripping open the plastic. oh well.

now i have to concentrate on the hair situation for halloween ... do i make a wig (have stuff for that) or do i buy one? or do i just pretend that lil miss muffett has short black hair? hohum, what to do.

Shoes ...

2004-08-31T15:24:00.000-07:00

yeah, i like em