ch-ch-ch-changes

(my apologies to darth but this was in my head)

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

so the last few days i've felt as if my life is pulling out of this tailspin it's been in. now i'm not in the clear yet, there is still a large amount of smoke coming outta my back end but it somehow feels less intense. the apartment situation is still a daily battle. the lawyer has had a hard time getting a hold of the landlords but at least he has spoken with them. we have digital pics and video of how the apartment is NOT fixed, so that's good. actually, the place is worse than even i thought it was. the drywall is coming off in places and they tried to paint over the rust and mold and it's already showing through. also, the brand new carpet they put in? water stained from the leak. ahahaha. maybe i've lost my mind from too much mold inhalation.

i was thinking about my mood though. there seems to have been a lot of people i know lately going through some strange things. it seems as if this sort of thing happens every couple of years and it generally takes a while to get really bad, then *poof* it's all gone instantly - making us all seem a bit nutty. i know the last time this happened was right as i was in a bad relationship with _____. it seemed as if everyone i knew was having something strange or bad or weird happening at the same time. it all built up to this fevered pitch - everyone on edge, then ... he was gone, and everything else seemed to be ... and it was peaceful, for everyone.

are we somehow all connected even more closely than i had previously thought? i've always liked to think that i have complete control over my own destiny. that no one elses life impacts mine if i don't allow it. but why not? our moods are touched every day with how our SO or best friend or family member is feeling. and even more interesting is how women's cycles are impacted by the close proximity of other women. as much as i might seem a strong woman ... so NOT the alpha female. but can my body chemistry be that far off from my psychic bonds to another human? if we know the deepest darkest secrets of our loved ones, can feeling their mental pain be that far off? could the frustrations they are feeling pull our lives out of whack even for a second so that we are off kilter too?

i know that when our family was going through the little one's problems back in 1997, we tended to internalize all of the things that we were feeling and going through. we shared with one another, not with friends, our fears and thoughts. or we cursed the heavens or ourselves. i had no friends, no one to vent to because of my relationship at the time. but the summer of '97 was a strange time in our family ... my sister in law died in a car accident a week before the little one was diagnosed. my aunt died 2 weeks before that at the young age of 41. 3 months after the little one got out of the hospital my grandfather died. somehow, the energy surrounding us was bleak and black and not very kind. but like everything in this world - all at once, it was over. there were no other sorrows. and i believe that was the last time that feelings were shared as an extended family (my ex's and mine).

now all is shared with my kids & my friends. and that is equal parts amazing and scary because being connected means sharing in all of the profound sadness as well as the elation.

so, i am apologizing in advance if i have rocked your life boat any by sharing my trials and tribulations with you. but also know that my boat will always continue to sail through rough waters or calm ... and there will always be room for you.