alarm clock, you demon of the morning

as my eyes shot open this morning, instantly alarmed by the sound of a thousand jackhammers going off inside my head, i realized how much i could do without the nasty contraption that is called the alarm clock. once my feet hit the floor, automatically heading towards the ungodly noise to shoot it/throw it/beat it/kill it now now now, i started to think. now this isn't normally a great time for me to start formulating ideas because things like "pj's to work aren't that bad as long as i wear dress shoes" or "i don't really NEED a shower today my hair looks fine pulled back into a ponytail all greasy like that" start sounding like good plans.

this morning was different however. for some reason - and i'm willing to bet that it is more than likely because of our recent list fascination on these blogs - my thought process was actually heading into a direction that i immediately recognized as something that could be written down. (it's kind of sad actually, that i am thinking of what i will write in my blog when i wake up now, instead of the normal "hey, the snooze button is the greatest invention since flavored creamers")

anyway, my mind started to make up a list of things i could do without, alarm clocks being #1 obviously. so i think that in my fuzzy-headed waking up, i was thinking of a perfect world. one where i am doing exactly what it is that makes me happy (and in that perfect world i would know what it was). all of these thoughts actually followed me into the shower and along with me on my drive to work (which, btw, is definitely NOT it).

remember that i am not thinking about people since that list would be FAR too long, considering that i am anti-social and mean-spirited some of the time. this list is just for THINGS that i can do without. the list of people will come later but will probably be filled with people that, more likely than not, would rather do without me instead of the other way around.

anyway, on with the show:

• Alarm Clock - this god-forsaken machine is way worse to me than any sort of high-heeled shoe that pains my feet. i would be forever happy if i could re-enact the printer scene in Office Space with any and all alarm clocks. actually, any clock would do ... i am not a watch person, i do not wear one, nor need one.
• Cell Phones - i get horrified looks from people when they find out that i don't have one. no, i don't have a pager, nor a blackberry, nor a text-er either ... whatever those mean. i am not into letting people have complete access to me. and yes, before you butt in to tell me that caller ID would let me know if i wanted to talk to someone, let me just tell you this ... if i had that capability on a phone, ALL calls would go to voicemail - then what would it matter if i had a cell phone?
• Electric Stoves - who thought this was a good idea? i'm sure on paper it looks delightful, in reality, not so much. the forever warm up, the uneven cooking area, the forever cool down. and as funny as it is to watch a cat jump up not realizing that the burner is kinda warm (now i said KINDA warm, so don't start with your animal sympathizing, remember this is a cat who pees on the bed when she's pissed off), i really don't think that it should takes 2 hours to cool down enough so i can clean you off.
• Perfume/Cologne - ok, come on, the majority of this stuff is rank. i think i could let this one slide if (and i mean IF) they gave lessons on how to wear it to each person who purchased some. i am not opposed to people smelling lightly of fragrance, what i am opposed to are the people who feel as if it is just as good as the deodorant that they forgot to put on or the soap they forgot to use. i hate to be walking down the street minding my own business and be accosted by a smell so horrific that my eyes start to weep. and btw, boy smell (yes AFTER a shower) is a way better smell than any cologne could ever be.
• Powdered Creamers - should there ever be a need to use a miniblender to get something to dissolve into my hot coffee? i think not.
• Small Wooden Student Chairs - you remember those torture devices ... the ones with the 2 bolts facing your back, the bolt that inevitably when you sat up, 50 hairs would be wrapped around the vile things? i think i may still have a bald spot from the 2nd grade.
• Beets - i refuse to eat anything that dyes anything else near it bright purple.
• Cheap Giveaway/Marketing items - now i am not saying that every company needs to spend a fortune giving away things that people would actually USE ... but, who in the hell uses all those pens/keychains/letter openers/post-it notes/mouse pads/yo-yos/stress ball/golf shirts that millions of companies give away at trade shows? being someone who has been to tons of these (both as the trade show-ee and the trade show-er) i can tell you, less than 20% use ANY of these items. sure, they come by, sure they get all excited and take everything you have to offer, but that is only because we have them in a place that has no windows and is pumping in extra oxygen. they don't want them, they feel compelled to take them ... and then later when you are closing down your booth, you can look into the trash bins outside the main hall and see how almost ALL of the items that were given out - not just at your booth but at EVERYONE'S booth has been thrown away. who in their right mind wants to cart all of this stuff back onto an airplane? you want me to keep your items, do me and yourself a favor - ship them to my work address - it will be cheaper for you and less hassle for me.
• Television - i do NOT have it ... i mean i have a television, but i do not have cable, satellite or any other contraption that enables someone to actually watch the stupidity that is on it. my tv is a vessel from which i watch movies. no, not all of the movies are intellectual, some are down right moronic, BUT they are ones i pick and i do not watch them over and over (well not ALL of them).

this is all i can think of right now, i am sure this will be a never-ending list that will be added to on a daily basis. but i really need to get to work now - otherwise, why the hell did i wake up this morning? it sure as hell wasn't for the coffee.