All this talk about old people in our lives has gotten me to thinkin'

What did each one of the people who I thought were exceptionally important to me at one time or another really and truly bring to me? What do they bring now? So since we are still on lists (seems that we suffer from a bit of the obsessive) I thought I would mention as many people as I could remember who made a profound impact on my life - one way or another. I will try to do so in order but my memory is not as it used to be.

In some cases I have changed the names of people to protect them, on others I have lumped different people together so that if they happen upon my little online dish they won't feel hurt or embarrassed. So take a deep breath, hold your nose and dive right in:

1. Parents: I'm not sure what to say about these guys, good or bad they have both have made me (yeah yeah literally) into the person that I am proud to be today. Neither of them had the tools to be parents or functioning adults but because of them I learned to be a parent very early on. I learned at 4 years old that drinking daily to excess hurts those around you. I learned that you must fix your own problems because not everyone else will be there all the time. I learned that sometimes parents do not think their children are the most beautiful or most intelligent and that somehow children rise above that. I learned that sometimes you do just have to let drunks sleep it off. I learned that I can pick up pieces of broken kitchenware and not get a cut on me. I learned that sometimes you do run out of patience with people and that it's ok. I realized that even if someone is family it doesn't mean that they love you. I realized that toxicity is definitely thicker than blood.
2. Brother (first): He was born 1 day before my 3rd bday and I felt slighted. He was round and blond and pink and I hated him on sight. Until they unwrapped him and he looked at me. Then he became the love of my life. As time went by I took care of him, I beat him up, I teased him relentlessly, I hid him from our parents, I ran away with him, I hugged him when all was falling apart, I threatened kids 3x my size for teasing him, I read to him, I put him to sleep, I wiped his tears, I made him laugh. He taught me about unconditional love. I learned that sometimes family is the most important thing. I learned that kids are sometimes fragile and tough at the same time.
3. Cousin (W): My cousin and I were inseparable from the time I was a baby until we both got married and she moved away. She taught me how to laugh. She showed me that growing up in a healthy environment can still make you fucked up. She brought me endless friendship. She showered me with affection and attention and never made me question her love. I miss her.
4. Opa: My grandfather ... He taught me that everything was ok. That I was ok. I learned from him that even though I looked like no one else in my family that I was special. He showed me the importance of art, of jokes, of records, of smells and of voices. His voice had this lovely gravelly quality that I still hear in my dreams. He smelled of cigarettes and coffee (which I love). His fingers, hands and arms were usually stained with some sort of paint, as were the various books he was reading. He taught me that grandfathers sometimes turn into fathers and then friends. He taught me my first dirty joke - in Dutch. He sang awful but beautiful, so beautiful that I can still hear it each time I think of him, some far off voice singing in Dutch. I learned about how important spouses and children are, each holiday he recorded all of the grandchildren on this lovely reel to reel he had. And he recorded himself privately too, on days when he felt that he hadn't brought enough riches into the lives of his wife and children. The family found one of these secret tapes after his death, and from that tape he taught me about the soul.
5. Cousin (A): From him I learned that sometimes you just can't trust people. Sometimes people want to hurt you and there is nothing you can do. Sometimes it's not your fault. I learned from him, that I am stronger than I thought or than I look. I learned determination. I also learned distrust and anger. I learned humiliation. I learned ugliness. I learned that sometimes no matter how hard you try and how good of a person you think you are, there are people you just cannot forgive.
6. JW: My first boyfriend. It was 4th grade and there was this goofy new kid in school. Blond, green eyes, lanky ... He was beautiful. He asked if I had a bf, and wanted to be mine. We held hands while running to the playground. We stayed close but the relationship sort of slipped away when he found other boys to hang out with the next year. I learned appreciation for the graceless in him, he fell constantly. I learned that my family was not the only one that was different from everyone elses. I learned that I was pretty from him. Because of him, I learned how to grieve as he died 1/2 way through our freshman year in high school.
7. JM/JM/MG: From them I learned about superficial girl friendships. I learned that sneaking out can be fun. I learned that I am much more a chicken that I thought I was. I learned that strawberry hill does not sit well in a 15 year old stomach. I learned that keg parties can be more fun when you accidentally drop the keg on the hardwood floor. I learned that piercing yourself is NOT a good idea. I learned that sometimes our lives do not turn out the way we had planned. I learned that sometimes your childhood friends can't remain your adult friends because you can't grow with them.
8. P: I learned about power. I learned about sex and how it can easily get you what you want. I learned about romance. I learned that the two are not always together and that you wouldn't want them to be. I learned that people will do weird things for their friends. I learned that sometimes relationships are not cookie cutter. I learned my fascination for curly hair. I learned that intelligent conversation counts above all else. I learned that I like sweaters and glasses on boys.
9. G: From him I learned to surf. I found camaraderie. I learned that boys and girls can definitely be the best of friends and nothing more. I found complete acceptance and love. I learned that sometimes in your life one period can be so perfect that it hurts. I learned that even if I could I would never want to go back.
10. JS: I learned that popular boys are not what I want. I learned that I deserve a lot more than I give myself credit for. I learned that sometimes I give up. I learned that I could have very easily slipped into my mothers footsteps. I learned that I can take a punch. I learned that I can give one. I learned that no matter what someone does to me, they will not EVER break my spirit.
11. J: I learned about friendship and love. I learned about jealousy. I learned about laughter during sex. I learned about sweetness. I learned about exclusivity. I learned about patience. I learned about real heartbreaking pain. I learned about pregnacy classes and breathing and births. I learned that a good sense of humor and intelligence can keep a relationship going for years even when you make someone miserable. I learned that even when I thought I could never forgive, I can forget.
12. Boys: I learned that you can feel like your heart will burst from love and it never will. I learned that no two children are alike. I learned that sometimes putting your nail polish up "high" isn't high enough. I learned that kids can crawl into some really funny places. I learned that I LOVE to breastfeed. I learned that being pregnant makes me feel more beautiful than anything in this world. I learned that I can stand any amount pain without drugs if I thought it would affect my baby. I learned true laughter, true dread, true love. I learned about fear. I learned that sometimes the best idea is letting the older kid climb into the playpen to get away from the toddling baby brandishing the kiddie bat.
13. M: I learned about true loyalty. I learned about tenderness and calm. I learned about love that comes out of friendship. I learned that people are patient with you when they don't need to be because they are your friends. I learned that sometimes, even though you love someone, it's not enough for a love relationship but it is enough for a best friend. I learned that no matter what I do, someone will always be there for me.
14. Girls (et all): I learned that not all girls want to tear me to pieces. I learned that being goofy is fun. I learned that each and every day I can learn something. I learned I can knit! I learned that giving is more fun than receiving. I learned that life is NOT a competition. I learned that I love trading clothes. I learned that spending my vacations with a group of girls is one of the best things I have ever done. I learned that even though they look perfect and beautiful and confident, they think the same of me.
15. B: I learned what I will not put up with. I learned that sometimes you must let go of someone quicker than you did. I learned that I am better than some people. I learned that sometimes people have bad hearts. I learned that sometimes you just can't please people. I learned that I value intelligence, humor, passion, empathy over looks any day.
16. *D*: I learned that one touch can make you realize what you are missing. I learned that sometimes there is love at first sight. I learned that people can help you figure stuff out. I learned that music, laughter, love, and conversation is what I want to have in my life. I learned that I like camping. I learned that dreading long road trips is a thing of the past. I learned that I can have an adult relationship. I learned that I want to marry again. I learned that I am 1/2 of another and still a whole person. I learned that I'm not too weird. I learned complete love.