i yam what i yam and that's all that i yam

a good friend of mine in grammar school had a siamese cat who was retarded ... literally. his name was twitch ... well because he twitched while he walked. he sort of lumbered around, his feet tying up in each other, trying to jump up on counters and falling about 2 inches short of reaching it - generally just bruising himself up on a minute by minute basis.

he would sit for hours watching bugs through the sliding glass door, every few seconds or so forgetting that there was a door in between them, he would lunge ferociously at them only to be stopped short by a very loud *THWACK* of the glass hitting his forehead. he would look around sheepishly and this quick clarity would come to his eyes before they would cloud up again with the instant pleasure of reeling himself in to pounce on the tasty morsels. we tried to stop him for a while but we soon realized that at least there he wouldn't hurt himself too badly like when he would fall into the toilet or fall in between the couch and the wall and couldn't turn himself over to get to his paws. so the afternoons at susans house would be punctuated by the sounds of *THWACK* *mrrrooowr* *scratch scratch* (silence for a few seconds) *THWACK* *mrrrooowr* *scratch scratch* (silence for a few seconds) ... etc.

what i've noticed is that there are a hell of a lotta people out there who could stand to take a step back from their lives and try to live a bit more like the retardo cat. he has instant gratification and yes, i know that he doesn't learn from his mistakes but he at least enjoys each second of his life (well except the part when the *THWACK* comes). there are those i see sort of wallowing in the misery of what they think their life should be instead of enjoying and relishing in all that their life is.

now i am all for being upset when things are really out of control (ie life threatening illness, death or sickness or injury of loved ones) but i think there are a lot of people that i know who tend to blow things so out of proportion that every minute detail of their life becomes excruciatingly difficult to overcome. there are people who feel defeated because they are over a certain age; there are people who feel that they don't live up to the reality of what they thought their life should be; there are people who are not happy with their station in life; there are people who are afraid that they will never accomplish what it is they truly believe is owed to them. those are the people i am talking about. these people tend to make everything a chore to themselves and those around them because everything is difficult and without joy. and i think it all stems from being afraid. and most of the people who i know who are like that have nothing at all to be afraid of. there have been no real traumatic/life altering things that have happened, but somehow they believe those sorts of bogeymen are right around the corner ... so they hide.

with everything that has happened in my life the one thing i know for sure ... i am not afraid. i will not turn away from life because i know that i have a very short amount of time here and once it's gone ... well, it's gone. i tend to be one of those trusting souls who no matter what has happened to me, the benefit of the doubt will always be given. it takes me a long time to get to the point of no forgiveness. so needless to say i am constantly being burned. but i have yet to leave a relationship (no matter how bad it was) and feel ashamed of myself. i tried, i paid a price, but i learned a little. there is no one in this world that i have willingly let enter my life that i have felt bad about knowing. even the ones who left me gasping for air, needing protection and first aid ... i learned about myself. i love that and i am not willing to change it.

so bring on the insects and the glass door ... i got my helmet ready.