Santa Baby

this weekend my children had the chance to sit with santa and tell him what they wanted. other than my youngest, they know that santa is not a real dude. i would love to think that even if they do not believe that he actually comes down the chimney and hands out presents if they were good i would love to think that they still have that sort of glinting hope that maybe, just maybe it could still happen. hell, i still hold out that hope.

so as we were waiting in line for my youngest to speak to santa, he looked up at me with what i can only describe as complete panic. he had NO idea what he was going to say to him. he really is a strange child. not strange like weird ... but strange as in different. he never asks for anything. he doesn't want anything. he has always been like that. he gets amazing grades and each report card he is rewarded by going to the toy store or video store or wherever to pick out anything he wants. he takes hours perusing the aisles. he holds something in his hand and then puts it down after going up and down another aisle. he is never sure if he really wants something so he wants to think about it. what 9 year old does that? he has been doing it since he was old enough for us to ask him what his little heart desired.

one year he asked santa for a fly swatter. seriously. he was 2 1/2. he sat on his lap and, with a straight-face, said "i wanna fly swatter". he didn't want anything else. we of course got him other things ... including the fly swatter ... the biggest darned fly swatter we could find. i have no idea why he wanted one - but he played with that thing til it fell apart.

so this year the only thing he wants is a bike ... which i am getting for him and he knows that (much to my relief let me tell you - to FINALLY get him something he wants!?! sure thing kid ... any color, any make, anything!). so he panicked when he was supposed to tell someone else what he wanted. he fidgeted in line, tugged on my hand when we were next and said "um, i'm not sure i am ready, could we let someone else go?" but the other kids just sort of nudged him up (because it could take HOURS before he actually is 100% and they all know that).

so he sat on santa's lap, told him how old he was and that he had been a good boy and when santa asked what he wanted he very clearly stated "a skateboard and a hat for yellow bunny". ok, the skate board is an old stand-by he has for when people ask him what he wants ... he has told me that he isn't quite sure that he wants one because he hasn't found the perfect one yet (he has what it looks like in his head and i have taken him EVERYWHERE to try to find it to no avail), but a hat for yellow bunny?? yellow bunny is his rabbit that we bought for him his 3rd easter. a cute little yellow knit bunny from the gap. this bunny never left his side for 3 years (except for school) and he still sleeps with him every night at home. so what he wants is a hat ... that fits his stuffed animal ... as his christmas present ... from santa. if the world could only be that easy, that simple, that sweet.

i am continually humbled by him. this amazing little one who has been through so much, but asks for so little. he loves everyone. he is achingly sweet and so very smart & clever. he is not perfect, there are times where i must get angry and reprimand him but those times break my heart as much as they break his.

now don't get me wrong, i love him exactly the same as my other two babies ... and they are just as sweet and smart and absolutely delightful. he just caught me off guard this weekend. maybe it's the fact that he is my last one to actually believe in the magic of christmas. maybe it's because i know it might be the last year that he does.

i am not one who lives in the past, i would never want to be ... but at times like these i yearn for the days of footie pjs, chubby red cheeks and 3 stockings filled by santa. i long for the days of leaving cookies and milk & carrots for the reindeer and having to make these disappear by morning. i ache for "jiggle bells", "rudolph the red nosed braindeer, "merry christmas all of the ones" and "santa claus is comin' to down" ... the mangled mess of christmas cheer and songs that my children have individually uttered at one time or another. i wish i had more time ... more santa lap sitting. more awe each time there was a santa at a different store "mom! he's here at this place TOO! man, he's faster than the flash!". more interesting little questions "mom, do you think when it's not christmas the elves become munchkins and go vacation in Oz?" the innocence just slays me.

i know that they will let go of their belief in santa a lot earlier than i would have liked. but i guess if it were up to me ... they would never find out that i was the one who ate all the christmas cookies.

BTW - since i am not sure when i will have time to write again during these hectic holiday times, i would like to wish you all a wonderful christmas, happy hannukah, blissful kwanza or a lovely winter time (forgive me if i have forgotten your holiday, i am ignorant of most religions/practices).

i hope everyone takes this time to reflect on the past year and what we have and how we could possibly make ourselves better people. i am hopeful that 2005 will be more positive, peaceful and prosperous for everyone.