he's just not that into you (or how can i look so smart, yet be so dumb?)

origami - by ani difranco

i am an all powerful amazon warrior
not just some sniveling girl
so no matter what i think i need
you know i can't possibly
have a need in this world

come and come for that sweet sweetness
i'll be your never ending vending machine
i could never need to be alone
never need to be my own
as much as you need your queen

i know men are delicate
origami creatures
who need women to unfold them
hold them when they cry
but i am tired of being your savior
and i am tired of telling you why

and since when did this me me me
become the be all and end all of me
oh listen to you talk to me
long time love has got to breathe, babe
you got to let it ebb and flow
if you want a ball to bounce
you gotta let it go
just let it go

i know men are delicate
origami creatures
who need women to unfold them
hold them when they cry
but i am tired of being your savior
and i am tired of telling you why

once upon a time i used to be dumb. not silly dumb, not crazy goofy ... dumb. i acted like an idiot, so completely unlike myself, that even now i wince when i think of it. this was a few years ago, just a little over 3 to be exact. it's hard to admit, but in order to give you all the benefit of my intolerable idiocy and help you to NOT be like me (well, in the past), i will throw it out there.

i dated a guy who, for all intent and purposes, turned out to be nothing more than a placeholder boyfriend. i actually lived with him for a little while. i let him take my heart out every day and stomp all over it. rip it into little pieces every chance he got. let him take out his anger and frustrations and inadequacies on me whenever his little (and i do mean little) heart desired. why do you ask? because i didn't think much of myself. because i felt like at least with him, there were no surprises. that i knew what i had with him ... nothing. so i didn't have to worry about my low expectations being surprised with anything less. i used to joke to friends (some of you actually heard me say it) that "this is just going to end so badly". i JOKED about it. did it make it any easier when it did? no, i just as hurt and angry when it ended than if i had actually thought there was a future in the relationship.

the reason for all of this coming to light is a book cowritten by one of my favorite comics Greg Behrendt. if you guys haven't heard of him before you really should check him out. he used to write for sex in the city. he also has a comic routine that just about makes me pee in my pants. well i guess he was surprised by how many women actually believe some of the things guys say to them and wonder why their relationships don't work. it's called "he's just not that into you". read it. it will definitely give you a laugh (if not enlighten you a little bit).

the funny (and infuriating) thing about this book is that as smart as i think i am, my exbf lived up to just about every chapter in that book. and not to place the blame squarely on him (although to be fair, he deserves MORE than 1/2 of it), because i made just about all the excuses that were in the book for him. you see, i didn't believe that i was: 1. beautiful, 2. smart, 3. worthy, 4. sexy, 5. funny, 6. strong enough to have someone love me exactly how i was. i changed for him. he hated strong women and so i made myself passive. i allowed myself to play a small insignificant part in his life, not a major role. i must take responsibility for that. i knew that i should leave. i knew that he was never good for me nor would he ever be. not only that, he was not ever willing to look at me as someone that was good enough to try for. and in some small way, i looked at him the same.

now, i could lie to you and say that at the beginning with the exbf, it was all lovely and fun. it was not. i could try to make myself feel better (and look better) by saying that suddenly he just changed. it wouldn't be true. i was never enough for him. i was not what he was looking for. and i know that the reason he was with me was that it was better than being alone. it sounds harsh and awful. but in all honesty, in part that might have been part of my reason too. now, don't get me wrong, i did care about him but i didn't really think we had a future. there were too many things that didn't sit well with my heart about him. but unfortunately for me at the time, i am not the type to sleep with someone without giving it the college try. and MORE unfortunate for me (but extremely fortunate for him), i am trusting. i would never have dreamed that he would sleep around. i guess my character judgment was off. and if that sounds too much like i am making excuses for the behavior, i'm not. i know that i wasn't the one that decided to betray my trust. that was all him. and even after i gave him the benefit of the doubt, it continued. of course, that i didn't know until after we were completely done. there is something to be said for listening to all the signs, cuz dammit those things were singing an opera in my head. i was just hoping for a little more respect. didn't get it ... but i can't blame anyone else but myself for that. that portion of our relationship going downhill was just trying to keep up with every other horrendous aspect of our relationship. i was right all along ... it was going to end and quite disastrously.

note for all the girlies out there who are confused about their relationships: when the mom of the guy you are dating is telling you to break up with him ... do it. it will save a lot of heartache and trouble. believe me. no one knows better than their mom. wow, i liked that lady, a lot. she's about the only thing that i miss from that relationship. i hope she is happy and doing well.

so back to the book: the great thing about it was that it showed another side of men. it showed that there were guys out there who think i (you) are the hottest, smartest, funniest, most gorgeous creatures out there. in short, it reminded me of *d*. i know that sounds like a sappy hallmark card, but it's true. because for every line that i read that talked of the heinous things my exbf did, there was another line of the next guy who did exactly what *d* did in those situations. there were a few little sentences thrown about the book about this future guy, how sometimes he knows you even before you're done with assmonkey guy. which is exactly how it was with *d*. i remember him telling me quite a few times how he couldn't believe that i was with a guy who would treat me like that. i remember how *d* looked each and every time he saw me, like he was actually happy to see me. i remember that no matter how much time had passed, how *d* would just email me or call me up to say hi, and wonder how i was. most importantly, i remember how i felt whenever i was around *d*, even before we started dating. i really felt like i was the only woman in the world. something i had not felt with assmonkey.

so, as *d* and i celebrate our blissful year and a half, i sit here thinking about how lucky i am. how i realized (finally) that i am worth being loved for exactly who i am. that i listened to my heart and took a chance on a guy who was going to complete me, compliment me, appreciate me. a guy who, every chance he gets, makes sure that i know how special i am to him. someone who is not looking at me to fill the void in his life because he doesn't have one. a guy who makes me remember that it is ok that i don't have one either. a guy who isn't with me because he is lonely, but because i make him laugh/think/talk or just make his heart skip a beat. a guy who is not afraid of me or my life or my voice.

and now, i just don't feel so dumb anymore.