a bit ... out of sorts

there are days when i feel like writing ... then weeks that i don't. it's been hard to try to fake it (the writing)... somedays i feel more like a silhoutte of myself. all the words come out sounding hollow and forced.

it's not anything in particular really, sometimes i think about the stupid choices i have made in my life and have to take responsibility for (like my stupid tickets) and some days i think about the people that i have run across and have let affect my life.

the last week or so has given rise to some interesting things within my group of friends. we have a bit of turmoil within our normally tight circle. one of the girls is leaving the state ... and it has not been a particularly good break. i'm not sure what is happening, one minute close friend; the next, well, the next minute i'm not even sure she is a friend.

this isn't really happening to me, per se. one of the sweetest girls is getting the shit beaten out of her emotionally over this. she's known this girl since childhood and is being treated like garbage. the entire group is being treated poorly by the moving girl but we all know that the worst is being felt by the sweet one. it's devastating in it's power to affect us all.

i know that i have written the thought before ... about how one act can affect so many others. but is it true? i feel torn about the whole situation because on one hand moving girl is well moving , so maybe this is some strange sort of adolescent separation anxiety that she is working out prior to leaving to not feel so bad. but on the other hand, why hurt people so deeply? is there no remorse, no responsibility for your actions just because you will not have to suffer the consequences yourself?

on another weird note, a guy that i barely know who happens to be a brother to one of the inner circle is in town to visit. now the last time this guy was in town he acted weird towards me and tried to provoke me into a verbal confrontation. i chocked it down to too much alcohol and just sort of refused to get into it with him. well this time did not prove any different. at the height of a friendly gathering (after he had too much to drink once again), he suddenly turned on me. now i will save you the lurid details but suffice it to say he was in rare form. now thankfully he is not very bright and i was able to hold my own with him (well in all actuality i creamed him) and he backed down with a few sputters of "yeah yeah sure that's real adult" or something like that, and melted into the apartment. now none of this transpired with any shouting or vulgarities but it was heated enough and the attack on me was personal enough to leave me shaking. and FUMING. i never want to talk to him nor see him again. end of story. done. fin.

well it's not really the end of the story though. because he felt like he needed to apologize afer his sister ripped him a new asshole about fighting with her friends for no reason. (yeah, he's a winner, he didn't only try to pick a fight with me ... apparantly it's a habit with him) so his apology email goes something like "uh, i don't know what i said or did because i was drunk but i want to apologize. it wasn't personal." i replied stating thank you for your apology since the conversation was ugly and not very pleasant. have a nice rest of your trip. he replied stating "yeah well i seem to do this more often then not but i am in therapy and it seems to happen when i drink too much. blah blah blah"

sorry but i do not accept that lame attempt at an apology. his behavior is not acceptable and not only was it personal but it was disgusting. i think people have some serious issues with personal responsibility. i'm sorry that people sometimes think that they had a horrible childhood. i am sorry that they have in fact had a horrible one ... that does NOT entitle people to hurt others. it does not entitle people to cut people down whenever they have too much to drink or feel bad about themselves or need to move. it is not acceptable.

at what point as a society do we call people on their own shit? when is it ok to NOT feel bad about not wanting to accept someone's apology? because let me tell you as much as it felt good to tell him "i am happy you are getting help but because of your past behavior towards me i still would rather not speak to you again", ... i feel bad. is that my fault? maybe a teeny bit because i allowed him to engage me in a conversation that i felt had the ability to go south ... but am i to BLAME? no.

so to sum up, the reason that i am not writing right now (if you can take this rant as not writing) is because i feel frayed. life is out of joint right now. and i hope it rights itself soon. because i've been lame in my questions i am supposed to ask you people.