Since I am Multi Racial ... it's New Year's everyday!

ok, I'm late in wishing you all a happy new year. I've been a bit bored with the whole blogging thing as you might have noticed. I've tried to get motivated to do anything at all that has to do with starting the process again ... to no avail. so here goes my lame attempt ...

This year should prove to be quite interesting. 2 of my best friends are getting married on different sides of the US (6 months apart thankfully!) and work is beefing up for some seriously hearty, if not boring travel. I've been given some accounts in England so hopefully at some point I will be up for a visit to you UK peeps sometime soon. The boys will be turning 16, 14, and 11 which means that even though they are great amazing kids there is much turmoil ahead with girls, parties, driving and all the things that go along with being young men. *d* and I will be celebrating our 3 years together. we have a new puppy that we got for an early christmas present for each other - he's an adorable beagle named Bourbon. My brother & sister in law are having their first baby this June (a girl!!! Ashley Nicole) and my divorce should go through this year *fingers crossed* which should put lots of things in the air. Now, if you don't know what I mean by things in the air maybe I should elaborate.

I have been battling the divorce thing for 5 1/2 years now. It's not really anyones fault (well it kinda is but who's counting) we've just sorta let things slip after a while. This comfortable limbo has become some sort of blanket that i've wrapped myself in and not had to worry about the future. Not fair to *d* i know, believe me, but thankfully he is completely understanding. I try not to rock the boat with the ex ... you know, get things all mucked up with depression and sadness ... i was hoping that at some point he would just be ok with the whole situation but the longer i wait on his emotional frailty the longer i am putting my life on hold with *d*. as much as i love him (and lord do i) it's hard for me to push for the one thing he wants. for us to get married and have kids. i've given myself a deadline for having anymore children ... and that deadline is coming up on me like a fucking freight train. he's been understanding so far ... how much longer is anyones guess. he refuses to have bastard children (as i am fond of saying) so we have to do the whole proper thing and get married ... did i mention with a wedding? *shudder* the thought gives me the hives. i like the dress part ... i like the party part ... but the in between part? ugh. it's like some hopped up version of the debutante balls i saw in OC growing up. it's frightening. plus ... who knows what changes when you get married?

i mean i was happy once with my ex ... then ... i wasn't ... i became a commodity, a piece of the furniture that he owned. no, i don't think that this will happen with *d* - i would like to think that i have become better at character judgment in my old age ... but i did pick the last bastard i went out with too ... and that wasn't that long ago. and i know i was happy with my ex husband for a period of time ... but when did that change? when did his obsession become too much? was i just blinded by the love that i wanted? i like to think not, but i was a lonely child when we met. he was a good man, he still is ... just not the man for me.

so, i sit here this fictional new years and wonder what decisions i will make with my life this year. will i stay out of the water, scared to get my feet wet or will i rush in head first and get soaked?

i have my towel ready just in case.