my friend ... the end

after 20 years of knowing each other, 10 years of living together as man and wife, 3 children, 7 years of separation, 4 years of trying to get the divorce in order, 2 years of filing and refiling paperwork ... it's over. the divorce is final.

yes its exhilerating. yes its what i wanted. yes its finally time for it to happen.

but still.

i'm sad. i feel an emptiness that i hadn't expected. i feel overwhelmed by these feelings of what should have been, what i hoped and wished for when i was 17.

i remember the first time we met. how implausible it all was. how happy we were and yet how miserable we were at the beginning.

we were children. how does one know what they want forever at 17?

but still.

we had a great times. we laughed. we loved. we had 3 of the most wonderful children this world will ever know.

but still.

we had horrible times. we fought. we cried. we had some of the roughest patches that my young and immature mind could fathom.

but still.

i feel like i've lost my childhood best friend. the person who knew me before i became me. i've become a different person than i was and this person will never be in love with him again.

but still.

i loved him completely at one time. more than i ever thought possible, he made me happy. he was funny, he still is. he was smart and will always be.

but still.

i hated him so much for what he became. he was jealous and hurtful and obsessive. he was miserable so he made me miserable. he just wanted to hurt me any way he could.

but still.

i miss everything we had. i miss that happiness we felt at the beginning. i miss that person he was. i miss that person i was.

but still.

i love my life now. i never want to be that depressed and hurt and just sad all the time. i love the person i have become at the end of it all.

but still.

goodbye, old friend. goodbye life that i thought i was going to have. i will miss you and always remember you fondly. i will always think about the good times and laugh. and if i remember the bad, i will be thankful for those as well, because it made me the real me.

so thank you for 20 years ... for the love, the tears, the pain and the laughter. be well and let all the anger and pain and sadness leave you and let all that remains be peace.