dear god, are you there? it's me ... inked

i know it's been a while since i've really sat down and chatted with you ... and i apologize the method as to which i am doing so now but i feel like this is a good a way as any.

i have never asked for much (ok, except that one time but i was 14 and i really thought boobs were important) ... healthy happy children, healthy happy friends, world peace, love ... seems to be a pretty small standard order there.

so now all i am asking for is:

* that my apartment be fixed. not half assed fixed like it has been in the past, not "sure it's 80% done" when it's really "50% at best" after 14 days of work (minus the sabbath of course).

* i'd really like to go home at some point and be able to put my clothes back where they go, because it's kinda sad to see them all on the floor attached to their hangers.

* i'd like to walk into my house knowing that my electricity will work (in ALL rooms). it's kinda scary to come in and find out that now some of the rooms that were fine before have NO electricity - it's like the electricians they send in have some sort of weird tool that takes away light not the other way around.

* i'd love to be able to open my door and not smell the overwhelming nastiness that is moldy carpet.

speaking of smells...

* i want to be able to walk up to my front door without retching because the carpet is second to the stench that the massive row of garbage cans that are now lining up outside my front door are emitting. the workmen have filled up every available one in long beach with various things such as moldy wall entrails, wet wood, nails, ripped and dusty tarps, empty beer cartons. now notice that i did NOT say rusty nasty dirty pipes, because some how these guys have decided that kiddie beach pails work much better than the trash cans.

* i'd like to believe in humanity again - i don't want to become all bitter and nasty because my landlords have said to me for the 3rd time that my apt will be done on friday.

maybe what i am really asking for is a miracle - but sometimes, if you really truly believe, miracles happen.

the memory of a ... spider?

i think spider webs are breathtakingly beautiful and complex, the way they shimmer in the sunlight, how strong they are considering they are just one silky sticky string ... so i find it hard to believe that the construction operator of this could possibly be having some sort of retention issue.

how else can you explain the reasoning behind the continuation of this one web in the exact same place it gets demolished every single day. every morning the placement of said web is being built between a very busy walkway ... and every afternoon i come back to look at said construction - you know, to sort of say "hey how far have you gotten", "looks like that bedroom is coming along nicely", "its going to be a great family sized place i see" and all that - and its middle is gone ... all that's left are two sides hanging from its anchored trees.

don't get me wrong, i am not a spider fan ... in fact because the little devils LOVE (this is NOT an exaggeration here) to dine on me as much as spiderly possible, i would be happy if i could live in an arachnid free zone ... BUT it seems that there is a general lack of forethought to this location.

there are perfectly fine areas about 3 feet up from where he/she/it is starting the process ... no one is tall enough at that point to even brush up against it. seems that it would be a fine place to start something that seems to be entirely too time consuming to not care.

but now that i'm thinking about this maybe he/she/it does think about it. maybe mr/mrs/to whom it may concern spider relishes in the thought of someone coming down the path first thing in the morning, smelling and looking all clean and washed, planting face first into the sticky newness of the web. maybe he sits underneath a leaf just waiting for some silly biped to come whistling by and giggles mirthlessly when all of a sudden said human is covered in things so invisible yet disgusting that we can't help clawing at our selves and jumping around trying to shake it off ... the fear that the spider is somehow attached to these strings permeating our thoughts so thoroughly that we are spinning round and round trying to see our entire body like a dog trying to catch its tail.

as a matter of fact, the more i think about this the more it seems so aptly fitting ... that there is some sadistic twisted spider hiding out by me ... not wanting to bite (or maybe he/she/its not the biting kind of spider - yeah right) just wanting to torture.

so today, when i get off work, instead of searching for the web and feeling sorry to see its torn and tangled remains, i may instead, do a quick wayne and garth salute ...

i'm not worthy ... i'm not worthy ...

snuggle bunny

he's too cute

Inkslingers Ball

So Matt, *D* and I went to the Tattoo Convention this weekend. Couple of things I noticed about the convention:
- Those who were there fell into (generally) 3 categories:

1. Psychobilly/Rockabilly types - Can I just say that I find the girls in this category to be so amazingly beautiful! Their make up is perfect ... their hair is perfect ... their tats are perfect. Its like looking at pin up girls that someone has drawn on.
2. Gang members (be it Hells Angels or Street Gangs)
3. Normal looking people (for the most part)

Seriously it was spread pretty evenly among those 3 categories, strange.

- For the most part, the #3 types liked to be somewhat naked

- I am not as cool as I thought I was. Not that I am THAT impressed with myself but ... I dunno, I guess I think that my big ole tat on my back is beautiful and impressive ... it actually was hardly worth a passing glance from most of the people there.

Just goes to show you, no matter what I do, I will always be a geek!

The Flood

So ... my apartment is screwed. The entire ceiling has to be redone because someone f*cked up and forgot to fix one pipe the last time it leaked. So that means the leak continued and crept all around my ceiling, invading the boards and all the other things up there (yeah i have no idea ... so what).

One week ... I am not allowed to stay in my place for at LEAST one week. Now don't get me wrong ... I love staying with *d*... i just feel like when there is no other choice, well maybe it's not a good thing, ya know? It's like I'm being forced upon his home ... i am the INVADER, the hapless transient ... the accidental guest ... i know i'm blowing this out of proportion but still. I'd like our time together to be because we GET to be together ... not because my house blew up.

Quick Change Artist

I remember there was a doll that my cousin had when we were very small. The doll had this orange hair & freckles and wasn't particularly cute but I wanted her like nothing else on this earth. Her clothes were pretty bland and her movements weren't as smooth as my other dolls but did I spend many of hours pondering how to steal that doll. I felt a kinship to her ... she, more than any other toy I had or person that I knew, was what I wanted to be. Her saving grace? You could make her hair long or short with the turn of a crank on her back. Yes, you heard it right ... *crank**crank**crank* oooh lookit - she has LOOOONG hair ... *crank**crank**crank* oooooh, now its short again! *crank**crank**crank* down below her waist ... *crank**crank**crank* well, you get the idea.

At each family function, I would seek out this cousin (who, let me tell you, was not particularly nice to me, being older and much cooler than I) and beg to let me have a few seconds with this plastic entity that had been ripped from my soul. I would have never been able to put that into words at the time but I now know what that ache was. Separation anxiety.

I've noticed that I am not ever really happy with being stagnant in the way that I look. now I don't want surgery or to look completely different than I do. I am actually quite content with my looks in general principle. I am, however, addicted to hair dyeing and hair cutting. I really do HAVE to dye my hair because I do not like the grey that seems to have invaded my head as if I were some european country, but I am never ever satisfied with dyeing it the same color time after time. And once I do dye it I get antsy in about a week with how boring it is. (it doesn't matter the color I make it, after a week it bores me) So this whole paragraph brings me to the reason for this post.

I have been asked by my children (almost daily, since this is their favorite question) what super powers I would choose if I could. They never seem to tire of this. I have given them the normal answers (well normal to those of us who have seen Xmen) - I would like to have Rogue's power or I would like to have Mystique's power (which is very very close to what it is that is in my heart of hearts). But in actuality I would want something much smaller and much more in tune with my soul.

So here it is ... in all it's glory and smallness ... I would like to have the ability to change my hair at will. Color, length, style ... that is all.

Now don't get me wrong, I would not pass up the opportunity to have the power to ensure world peace or diffuse hatred/anger or invisibility. But those are way too important to bestow on someone such as me, I would be afraid that I would not utilize these powers in the way they should be. I would of course try, but ultimately I believe I would be scared of them.

No, I really think the world would be best served if I would just have that one small power. The one teeny tiny little gift that would make me content and therefore serve the world in the ways I know how.

And if that isn't possible, then if someone would just tell me where to find that doll.

Drip ... Drip ... Drip

Still leaking ... not a word from the landlords. Well a couple of words, but who can understand them with all the mouthbreathing going on? jeez ... just fix my ceiling ... oh yeah, and how'ze about the electricity situation in the bathroom too ... yeah that'd be nice.

On a happier note ... there are no football games this weekend so that means that the entire weekend is MINE with the boys! mwahahahaha! My eldest has started football recently (freshman in high school) and every weekend so far has been taken up with scrimmage (sp?) games and practice games and the like, so it's been hard to get a few days when I can just have all of them 100%.

I'm finding that I've become more and more selfish regarding them lately. I don't know if it's because I know that it will be very very soon when they will want their weekends to be their own ... dates, friends, games, whatever. So I am holding on to whatever I can right now. Some weekends I just sit and look at them, at how big they've gotten, how little time I have left to have them all to myself ... and it hurts so much that it is quite seriously a physical pain. And then at that exact moment, my mood changes into one so filled with love and pride that it extinguishes any bad feelings so completely that it barely seems possible that it was there. Ah, Motherhood, it's like having perpetual PMS or Manic/Depression.

So, we received the test results for the last school year for the 2 youngest. My middle child (who just walks along to a different drummer) did pretty well - he is at average among his peers (which I am extremely happy about since it was his last year in grammar school and he really did a lot of just hanging out and very little studying - no matter how much we tried to talk/pressure/threaten/help him). He really should be doing better, but we have no idea why he is not. He is very well liked at school, makes friends easily and keeps them once he has them - everyone who meets him just adores him. He seems to not retain much of anything (except tv shows, video games and jokes) & he is very scattered. We are going to have him tested this year for learning disabilities since previous years tests have been inconclusive and we didn't want to stigmatize him or have someone tell us he needed to be on meds (we do not believe in them for him). He is very well behaved, not antsy or out of control, just doesn't concentrate at all so considering all of that, we are very proud of him for his scores. My ex says he has too much of his mother in him - haha ... yeah. Now before anyone thinks I am being down on him please know that I think he is one of the funniest, sweetest, most clever and lovable children I have ever met - it's just the conventional school work situation that worries me.

Anyway, the youngest (who we refer to as Little Man Tate) did exceptionally well. He has a photographic memory (yes, gets us into trouble more often than not) and his reading/language comprehension is amazing. He scored 1 -2 points below the highest gifted division (I don't remember what it was called and I don't want to sound pretentious so I withhold from calling it what I really think it was called) in 4 of the 5 core areas (language, math, reading and spelling) and in the middle of the mid level gifted for science for his grade level. His dad has a meeting with the school on Monday to talk to counselors - not sure why but they wanted the meeting. So, needless to say we are proud of him too. He is very smart, sweet and funny ... some days it is hard to remember that he is as young as he is. Then he'll make some joke about farts and I'll be reminded.

My eldest has yet to have any test scores come home from last year, but he did do pretty great his last year in middle school. He is far more social than academic but he still maintained a B average. He took one of his classes (social studies/psychology) for summer school this past summer so that he could have 2 electives instead of 1, and passed with flying colors. His football practices seem to be taking up a lot of his time so he hasn't gone out for any school plays yet or decided if he is going to run for student council this year. I (and a few of his past teachers) hope that he does, he really will make an excellent politician/debater one day - maybe some day I'll tell you all about his essays/debates/presentations he wrote in school. His humor, cleverness, insight and intelligence made a lot of people laugh, think and yes, a bit uncomfortable. We are very proud of him.

So, that is what I have been thinking about all morning. How much I miss them and how much I will always miss them because now that they are growing up that is part of what I have to look forward to - always missing them. But I know that with that I will also have this amazing love, pride and laughter that I will never be able to get anywhere else.

Viva Motherhood!

False Alarm

it's dry and africa hot out again ...

move along, nothing to see here.

The Old Man Is Snoring

It's raining ... I love the rain ... drizzling and misty ... still hot but god is it GORGEOUS out there

Leaking ceiling ... again

so my ceiling in my apartment is leaking ... again. it was supposedly fixed 2 months ago - they tore out my ceiling ... went in from the apartment above, made a mess of my carpets and had the electricity in my bathroom go out (which, may i add, has not been fixed yet). wouldn't it be much easier (and less costly i would think) for them to fix it right the first time? now not only do they have to replace my carpets again, they have to probably tear out all the work the pipe worker (have no name for what he was) did the last time. so, they are paying twice ... sounds silly to me. oh well.

other than that, which should have made me in an exceptionally bad mood (maybe i need to start blogs on days that i do not have PMS or DMS), i am doing rather well. *d* and i are as happy as ever, still all lovey dovey ... *sigh* when does that end? does it? i hope not.

since we are such conceptual planners, we were talking about what we would be doing for the thanksgiving weekend. not sure if we should maybe plan a trip back to Ohio or go to San Francisco or just stay in town. last year we did this impromptu trip to SF that weekend after spending our 4 month-versary in Pismo Beach to celebrate. it was absolutely fantastic. i think we do rather well when we don't plan ... but it doesn't really do that well for our friends or family who want to know what we are doing and when. since i don't have the kidlets on Thanksgiving (it's a daddy sort of holiday for them - they go to hockey games in different states each year) it's really the only one that i can do those sort of trips. plus, since i don't have them, it seems to be easier on me to not be around things that remind me that i am not ... it's so sad ... still, even after all this time.

so maybe we'll just hole up in some offbeat place where no one knows us ... doing our little nomad thing. sounds absolutely perfect.

Why ya gotta be so nosey?

so I'm sitting at my desk ... doing my work ... why do people who are passing by think it's ok to look at what i'm working on? no wonder i sound so grumpy on my blog!

Global Warming, oh how I hate you

So this weekend was interesting. 100 degrees by the beach, seriously- a few blocks from the beach ... WTF!? Kept falling into those womb like comas, which then of course would be followed by me sitting up ramrod straight, sweat pouring off me like a waterfall with a look of murder on my face. I would then race towards the only possible nirvana ... looking like a she-devil, sprinting across the living room, hair dripping, eyes raving mad, fingers swollen from the water retention ... into the ice cold shower. aaah ... i lived in there this weekend.

How does a city go from a normal 75/80 degrees to 100 in the course of a day? and how is it that we Californians forget that every September we have this heat wave (albeit not quite this intense)? Well I can answer the second one with a very quick answer: We Californians are like mothers ... we forget the labor as soon as the child is born. It's a defense mechanism.

The first question is not so easy.

The intensity of the spike in the temperature cannot only be something I have forgotten over the course of the year. It was absolutely incredible how quick it happened. Yes, maybe that issue of Rolling Stone in June* (along with every other article that i have read lately) really scared me and seeped into my subconscious, but I don't believe that this weekend was some sort of normal occurrence. I am scared that this could become a normal part of human existence until we just can't exist anymore. I am afraid that one day the summers will be just too hot and the winters just too cold for people to live. No, I don't think that this will happen in my lifetime, maybe not in my childrens lifetime, but I feel that it is a VERY real possibility in my grandchildrens. How can I not think of that? How can no one? And what are we doing as a people to help prevent this? Not much. Unless you count hiding our heads in the sand until the days get a little more comfortable. We need to remember these days ... the heat, the severity ... so that next year not only will we be prepared, we can be a little more knowledgeable and look out to see if the world is a little hotter, a little drier, a little more ... well, MORE. or, we can just sit back and try to forget in the next couple of days what a pain it was to deal with the heat so that next year when our heat labor comes forth we can be in utter surprise ... yet again.


alright, off the soapbox now ... it's time to go back into my ice cold shower ... water retention is not my friend.




* for the article in it's entirety http://www.mongabay.com/external/rolling_stone_climate_change.htm

just pass the salt lick

some days i'm just more sensitive than others ... i am by far the least jealous girl i know - most days. yesterday - not so much. i hate being a girl sometimes.

today i'm doing what i do at the beginning of every month - eating Midol like it was cereal. hate feeling crampy ...

tomorrow is the luau ... really do not feel like wearing the outfit for it - but i know i have to - i know after i get ready i'll feel fine. somehow i'll get my bloated nasty fatness into it (yeah, pms is fun aint it?). as much as i bitch about how fat i feel, that has yet to stop me from stuffing my face with all sorts of sugary/salty items then chastising myself about them as soon as i swallow... i know i shouldn't do it but right now ... just pass me another pringle dipped in chocolate ...

i am woman, hear me eat

Rants about work

why is it impossible for people to do a few things to ensure a good and productive work environment? i know that i am probably culpable of a few mistakes from time to time in my daily work life but good LORD! here i offer a few bits of sound advise to hopefully keep me from wanting to stab you in the eye.

1. meetings - come in with some sort of knowledge of what the meeting is about. i don't want to hear about how you have been stuck in rush hour/had a slow waitress/emergency phone call regarding your tv that blew up/cable that went out/plumbing that exploded as the reason behind why you couldn't have possibly prepared your 3 line report on what we needed done today. you knew about this meeting 2 weeks ahead of time, stop your yapping on IM and get to work. and speaking of timeframes ...

2. be a little more empathic of other peoples' time. no, 3 minutes is not enough time to create the power point presentation for the sales team to take to the tradeshow that i just found out about 5 minutes ago. because our company is so cheap i have a computer that takes up half my work space and is as slow as a fucking dinosaur - don't expect me to be able to redesign our logo, compute sales figures, create advertising bar charts and forecast all the potential leads in any time less than 4 days.

3. please give me any and all details BEFORE i start the priority number 1 project. i am not a lazy ass - i am more than willing to work 12 hours on your project (and have), but i will get a little pissy if i have to do the entire thing over because you realized that the pink shade of the logo was, well, just not pink ENOUGH ... speaking of stupid

4. remember what it is our company does. no i do not think that handing out flyers for our company that designs wiggets for old peoples homes at the Ozzfest is going to be the best use of my time. don't get me wrong, i'll sit there and have a grand old time bebopping along to music that is more my speed than the stuff piped in at the office, but i can tell you right now that the last thing on these kids' minds is old people (Ozzie doesn't count)

5. yes, i know, i'm a girl that doesn't necessarily look like corporate america. if you must look at me and try to figure out the tattoos, then please do it and get it over with. there is no need to do it constantly nor reflect on it since i do not show those things in my work attire. yes i know you know i have them, yes i know you think that it's strange/weird/freakish/intriguing whatever. i actually think the way you get your hair all slicked down is kinda icky but i don't sit there and stare at it every chance i get. grow up and let's get our jobs done - i can do mine, that's why i'm here, hidden tattoos and all.

6. yes, i know, i'm a girl. different than #5 but no less frustrating. yes, i have boobs, yes, i have a bikini area different than yours. no i will not show you either. the one thing i will show you is the fact that i have a brain ... deal with it.

now if we all can get those things out of the way ... i have a presentation to complete, the pink in it isn't perfect yet.

GMail Invites

is it even worth it to advertise that i have some left? i'm not sure why i feel compelled now to just madly give them away ... but it's like i might be left in the dark and completely uncool if i hold on to them. it makes me nervous. so if you want one, or more, please let me know ... they are yours for the takin'!

This mornings thought process

well i've decided that i hate my apartment. well, i LOVE my apartment, but i hate the drive. i have to go about 20 miles to work and it's taking close to an hour and 15 minutes now. why is it that people insist on driving so retarded? i had one lady this morning on her cell phone (handheld) with a map on her steering wheel and her rearview mirror down (maybe to see what she looked like talking!?!). She was swerving all around and when she started to drift OVER the line into my lane i honked ... and she ACTUALLY LOOKED APPALLED AND PISSED OFF AT ME! i was flabbergasted. oh well ...

so, i'm not quite sure how people live in this town on the wages they pay. my apartment is relatively cheap for my area but *d* & i are wanting to move in and all the places we find in the area he wants is so expensive. we found the cutest place (2bdrm 2bth duplex) for $2250!!! what the hell is that!?!? i mean even if you had 2 people who weren't sharing a room going in on it - who the hell wants to spend $1125 to SHARE AN APARTMENT? esp since the landlady was a really old cat lady who lived in the back apartment ...

i think i need to move outta CA