Santa Baby

this weekend my children had the chance to sit with santa and tell him what they wanted. other than my youngest, they know that santa is not a real dude. i would love to think that even if they do not believe that he actually comes down the chimney and hands out presents if they were good i would love to think that they still have that sort of glinting hope that maybe, just maybe it could still happen. hell, i still hold out that hope.

so as we were waiting in line for my youngest to speak to santa, he looked up at me with what i can only describe as complete panic. he had NO idea what he was going to say to him. he really is a strange child. not strange like weird ... but strange as in different. he never asks for anything. he doesn't want anything. he has always been like that. he gets amazing grades and each report card he is rewarded by going to the toy store or video store or wherever to pick out anything he wants. he takes hours perusing the aisles. he holds something in his hand and then puts it down after going up and down another aisle. he is never sure if he really wants something so he wants to think about it. what 9 year old does that? he has been doing it since he was old enough for us to ask him what his little heart desired.

one year he asked santa for a fly swatter. seriously. he was 2 1/2. he sat on his lap and, with a straight-face, said "i wanna fly swatter". he didn't want anything else. we of course got him other things ... including the fly swatter ... the biggest darned fly swatter we could find. i have no idea why he wanted one - but he played with that thing til it fell apart.

so this year the only thing he wants is a bike ... which i am getting for him and he knows that (much to my relief let me tell you - to FINALLY get him something he wants!?! sure thing kid ... any color, any make, anything!). so he panicked when he was supposed to tell someone else what he wanted. he fidgeted in line, tugged on my hand when we were next and said "um, i'm not sure i am ready, could we let someone else go?" but the other kids just sort of nudged him up (because it could take HOURS before he actually is 100% and they all know that).

so he sat on santa's lap, told him how old he was and that he had been a good boy and when santa asked what he wanted he very clearly stated "a skateboard and a hat for yellow bunny". ok, the skate board is an old stand-by he has for when people ask him what he wants ... he has told me that he isn't quite sure that he wants one because he hasn't found the perfect one yet (he has what it looks like in his head and i have taken him EVERYWHERE to try to find it to no avail), but a hat for yellow bunny?? yellow bunny is his rabbit that we bought for him his 3rd easter. a cute little yellow knit bunny from the gap. this bunny never left his side for 3 years (except for school) and he still sleeps with him every night at home. so what he wants is a hat ... that fits his stuffed animal ... as his christmas present ... from santa. if the world could only be that easy, that simple, that sweet.

i am continually humbled by him. this amazing little one who has been through so much, but asks for so little. he loves everyone. he is achingly sweet and so very smart & clever. he is not perfect, there are times where i must get angry and reprimand him but those times break my heart as much as they break his.

now don't get me wrong, i love him exactly the same as my other two babies ... and they are just as sweet and smart and absolutely delightful. he just caught me off guard this weekend. maybe it's the fact that he is my last one to actually believe in the magic of christmas. maybe it's because i know it might be the last year that he does.

i am not one who lives in the past, i would never want to be ... but at times like these i yearn for the days of footie pjs, chubby red cheeks and 3 stockings filled by santa. i long for the days of leaving cookies and milk & carrots for the reindeer and having to make these disappear by morning. i ache for "jiggle bells", "rudolph the red nosed braindeer, "merry christmas all of the ones" and "santa claus is comin' to down" ... the mangled mess of christmas cheer and songs that my children have individually uttered at one time or another. i wish i had more time ... more santa lap sitting. more awe each time there was a santa at a different store "mom! he's here at this place TOO! man, he's faster than the flash!". more interesting little questions "mom, do you think when it's not christmas the elves become munchkins and go vacation in Oz?" the innocence just slays me.

i know that they will let go of their belief in santa a lot earlier than i would have liked. but i guess if it were up to me ... they would never find out that i was the one who ate all the christmas cookies.

BTW - since i am not sure when i will have time to write again during these hectic holiday times, i would like to wish you all a wonderful christmas, happy hannukah, blissful kwanza or a lovely winter time (forgive me if i have forgotten your holiday, i am ignorant of most religions/practices).

i hope everyone takes this time to reflect on the past year and what we have and how we could possibly make ourselves better people. i am hopeful that 2005 will be more positive, peaceful and prosperous for everyone.

i yam what i yam and that's all that i yam

a good friend of mine in grammar school had a siamese cat who was retarded ... literally. his name was twitch ... well because he twitched while he walked. he sort of lumbered around, his feet tying up in each other, trying to jump up on counters and falling about 2 inches short of reaching it - generally just bruising himself up on a minute by minute basis.

he would sit for hours watching bugs through the sliding glass door, every few seconds or so forgetting that there was a door in between them, he would lunge ferociously at them only to be stopped short by a very loud *THWACK* of the glass hitting his forehead. he would look around sheepishly and this quick clarity would come to his eyes before they would cloud up again with the instant pleasure of reeling himself in to pounce on the tasty morsels. we tried to stop him for a while but we soon realized that at least there he wouldn't hurt himself too badly like when he would fall into the toilet or fall in between the couch and the wall and couldn't turn himself over to get to his paws. so the afternoons at susans house would be punctuated by the sounds of *THWACK* *mrrrooowr* *scratch scratch* (silence for a few seconds) *THWACK* *mrrrooowr* *scratch scratch* (silence for a few seconds) ... etc.

what i've noticed is that there are a hell of a lotta people out there who could stand to take a step back from their lives and try to live a bit more like the retardo cat. he has instant gratification and yes, i know that he doesn't learn from his mistakes but he at least enjoys each second of his life (well except the part when the *THWACK* comes). there are those i see sort of wallowing in the misery of what they think their life should be instead of enjoying and relishing in all that their life is.

now i am all for being upset when things are really out of control (ie life threatening illness, death or sickness or injury of loved ones) but i think there are a lot of people that i know who tend to blow things so out of proportion that every minute detail of their life becomes excruciatingly difficult to overcome. there are people who feel defeated because they are over a certain age; there are people who feel that they don't live up to the reality of what they thought their life should be; there are people who are not happy with their station in life; there are people who are afraid that they will never accomplish what it is they truly believe is owed to them. those are the people i am talking about. these people tend to make everything a chore to themselves and those around them because everything is difficult and without joy. and i think it all stems from being afraid. and most of the people who i know who are like that have nothing at all to be afraid of. there have been no real traumatic/life altering things that have happened, but somehow they believe those sorts of bogeymen are right around the corner ... so they hide.

with everything that has happened in my life the one thing i know for sure ... i am not afraid. i will not turn away from life because i know that i have a very short amount of time here and once it's gone ... well, it's gone. i tend to be one of those trusting souls who no matter what has happened to me, the benefit of the doubt will always be given. it takes me a long time to get to the point of no forgiveness. so needless to say i am constantly being burned. but i have yet to leave a relationship (no matter how bad it was) and feel ashamed of myself. i tried, i paid a price, but i learned a little. there is no one in this world that i have willingly let enter my life that i have felt bad about knowing. even the ones who left me gasping for air, needing protection and first aid ... i learned about myself. i love that and i am not willing to change it.

so bring on the insects and the glass door ... i got my helmet ready.

oh come all ye ... starstruck

so i am amused by this

http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/europe/12/08/beckhams.nativity.reut/index.html

i think the funniest part is george bush as one of the 3 wise men. and i just don't understand the samuel l. jackson one ... a shepherd? um, anyone see pulp fiction?

i'm not sure why everyone is so up in arms. it's not like they have never had portrayals of jesus before. i am assuming that they expect Madame Tussaud's to have a real likeness to everyone who was involved in the nativity. um, anyone ever see that? from what i can remember any movie portraying jesus of nazareth (with the exception of the latest one) always had a blonde dude with blue eyes ... never someone that actually looked like what jesus should have really looked like. sheesh, lighten up people.

and beckham and posh spice?? who could be upset at that? DAMN what's wrong with having a hot mary and joseph??

altho i will give you that kylie minogue, the angel flying above everyone, does look like she's ready for some serious anal sex ...

joyful and triumphant

ch-ch-ch-changes

(my apologies to darth but this was in my head)

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

so the last few days i've felt as if my life is pulling out of this tailspin it's been in. now i'm not in the clear yet, there is still a large amount of smoke coming outta my back end but it somehow feels less intense. the apartment situation is still a daily battle. the lawyer has had a hard time getting a hold of the landlords but at least he has spoken with them. we have digital pics and video of how the apartment is NOT fixed, so that's good. actually, the place is worse than even i thought it was. the drywall is coming off in places and they tried to paint over the rust and mold and it's already showing through. also, the brand new carpet they put in? water stained from the leak. ahahaha. maybe i've lost my mind from too much mold inhalation.

i was thinking about my mood though. there seems to have been a lot of people i know lately going through some strange things. it seems as if this sort of thing happens every couple of years and it generally takes a while to get really bad, then *poof* it's all gone instantly - making us all seem a bit nutty. i know the last time this happened was right as i was in a bad relationship with _____. it seemed as if everyone i knew was having something strange or bad or weird happening at the same time. it all built up to this fevered pitch - everyone on edge, then ... he was gone, and everything else seemed to be ... and it was peaceful, for everyone.

are we somehow all connected even more closely than i had previously thought? i've always liked to think that i have complete control over my own destiny. that no one elses life impacts mine if i don't allow it. but why not? our moods are touched every day with how our SO or best friend or family member is feeling. and even more interesting is how women's cycles are impacted by the close proximity of other women. as much as i might seem a strong woman ... so NOT the alpha female. but can my body chemistry be that far off from my psychic bonds to another human? if we know the deepest darkest secrets of our loved ones, can feeling their mental pain be that far off? could the frustrations they are feeling pull our lives out of whack even for a second so that we are off kilter too?

i know that when our family was going through the little one's problems back in 1997, we tended to internalize all of the things that we were feeling and going through. we shared with one another, not with friends, our fears and thoughts. or we cursed the heavens or ourselves. i had no friends, no one to vent to because of my relationship at the time. but the summer of '97 was a strange time in our family ... my sister in law died in a car accident a week before the little one was diagnosed. my aunt died 2 weeks before that at the young age of 41. 3 months after the little one got out of the hospital my grandfather died. somehow, the energy surrounding us was bleak and black and not very kind. but like everything in this world - all at once, it was over. there were no other sorrows. and i believe that was the last time that feelings were shared as an extended family (my ex's and mine).

now all is shared with my kids & my friends. and that is equal parts amazing and scary because being connected means sharing in all of the profound sadness as well as the elation.

so, i am apologizing in advance if i have rocked your life boat any by sharing my trials and tribulations with you. but also know that my boat will always continue to sail through rough waters or calm ... and there will always be room for you.

weight of the world

so, here i sit wondering what to do next. we finally got a call, well actually we got a voicemail because the guy is a freakin' asshole, that told us that we are officially screwed.

we were told that nothing will be replaced, that as of today i must pay my rent for the month or forfeit my rights and be evicted. there were lies on top of lies told about how i had moved in on october 26th because that was when everything was fixed. FIXED ... uh, i went there last night and NOTHING was done, the electricity was still out in the bathroom and the hallway, the screen door was still propped up on the wall outside, the crack in the wall still a crack, the doors for the hallway closets still in the living room, the refrigerator still full of moldy food. NOTHING, not one thing done that was promised.

i am at a loss. i was going on faith ... i know i know ... not very bright, but i have not put anything away because it's christmas time and i wanted to make sure the boys would hav a great christmas. in their own place ... but no ... it's not going to happen.

to top it all off i will not be getting my security deposit back. this man is out for blood and i don't understand why. he stated that i should have taken better care of my things and then i wouldn't need him to replace them. now i may be naive but i hardly doubt that any lack of care on my part could get my things full of mildew and drywall dust. i was not asking for much, just replacement of the items broken, or ruined under his mismanagement of the place. his son (who is part owner) agreed that all of these things happened because of them. now he is no longer returning calls and has stated in voicemail that his father is the one to talk to. and his father is not going to budge because he is a lawyer.

how do people sleep at night when they do these things? i have a place to stay thankfully. i should be thankful i suppose. and i am. but all of my things will have to be replaced. and everything will have to be moved to storage until i can save up enough to get another place.

and on top of everything else, i can no longer spend christmas with *d* ... i have to save every penny that does not go towards the boys presents for moving expenses.

i am at my wits end ...