beauty is in the eye of the ... knife?

i was reading some of the comments that i have made in other blogs and some of the comments that i have received on mine because of some of my posts. i don't want any of you to be mistaken in thinking that i am hyper-sensitive about my looks. equally as important to me, i don't want any of you to think that i am stating some of these things because i am begging for compliments. neither of those things are true, and the last one is staggeringly untrue.

to understand where i am coming from i may have to give you a little bit of background on me. now i know this sounds tedious and maybe a tad painful, but bear with me.

i grew up in orange county california, land of the beautiful blue eyed blonde goddesses. i was not one of those and my mother, in all of her infinite wisdom, detested that fact. as a right of passage for some of us growing up there, we were shown off to local plastic surgeons in order to have them appreciate what little natural beauty we had and to show us how to ACCENTUATE or CREATE the actual beauty we needed. to make a long story short, at the age of 16 i came home to face a floor length mirror of my flawed self ... done up in all its beauty with various markings from the doctor (and i use this term lightly). the bastard had actually DRAWN on me. pointed out in big bold strokes where my imperfections were and what to do about them. i had a deciphering guide with me to tell me what each of the marks meant. i remember being extremely upset about the whole process but because it made my mother so excited, i held my tears in. i looked at the mirror for so long i started to look like some sort of dressmakers doll or a voodoo item ... all dashes and lines and dots and slashes ... cut here/pin here/redesign HERE. i realized how absolutely horrid i was, a freak, an affront to all that was beautiful and good.

i sat there for the entire rest of the afternoon, mostly slumped onto the floor. it was a strange thing, to not be able to look away ... but i had to see what improvements this guy thought i needed so urgently that he was ready to throw out my already teetering teenage self confidence in order to make it right.

so i looked at my face first. now for those of you who know me, i look pretty much the same now as i have always looked , 'cept back then even though i was a teenier girl i had a rounder face - i guess it was still baby fat ... not rolls of it or anything, but it was definitely softer. so he had marked some sort of weird markings that the legend stated meant thinned which i took to mean "needs to be". my nose had more marks and i know from the discussion (one of the only things i remembered) that they meant a nosejob was in order ... something about thinning my nose and stuff. my freckles could be lightened or something like that, my beauty marks could be removed. my lips were fine because they are full, but my teeth needed braces (still do). there was some discussion about removing the asian flap on my eyes but i think i started to scream at that point.

i remember dialing the telephone. i remember talking to G and asking him to come over. i don't remember what else was said. he took me out of the house, with the markings on me still and over to his mother. she was so horrified that she scrubbed me clean and proceeded to pace the house with more anger than i had ever seen in one tiny woman. she furiously smoked as she dialed friend after friend, asking them what to do. exhausted, she finally sat down next to me and looked into my eyes. she asked me if i was happy with how i looked. i was unsure of what she wanted me to say. she brought me over to her mirror with her and proceeded to show me the things on my face that the doctor said were imperfections. somehow she was able to undo all that had been done that afternoon. i felt better about my physical self, not completely but enough.

and that about sums up how i still feel. i am certain of many things about myself - my humor, my intelligence, my compassion, my empathy ... less so about others - which are always physical and ever changing.

looks are just a crap shoot - a genetics roll of the dice. i know that when i look in the mirror, the imperfections i see are harsh sometimes, blurred others. i know that i am not deformed nor hideous ... i am not visibly scarred ... i am lucky.

how others perceive me superficially i cannot help; sometimes they see me with the hard eye of the doctor - other times the loving eye of someone elses' mother.

all i can do is remember that what matters is the real me ... the part that is never going to be too soft, too round, too spotty, too crooked, too imperfect.

*ooof*

some days it's like i've been punched in the gut

All this talk about old people in our lives has gotten me to thinkin'

What did each one of the people who I thought were exceptionally important to me at one time or another really and truly bring to me? What do they bring now? So since we are still on lists (seems that we suffer from a bit of the obsessive) I thought I would mention as many people as I could remember who made a profound impact on my life - one way or another. I will try to do so in order but my memory is not as it used to be.

In some cases I have changed the names of people to protect them, on others I have lumped different people together so that if they happen upon my little online dish they won't feel hurt or embarrassed. So take a deep breath, hold your nose and dive right in:

1. Parents: I'm not sure what to say about these guys, good or bad they have both have made me (yeah yeah literally) into the person that I am proud to be today. Neither of them had the tools to be parents or functioning adults but because of them I learned to be a parent very early on. I learned at 4 years old that drinking daily to excess hurts those around you. I learned that you must fix your own problems because not everyone else will be there all the time. I learned that sometimes parents do not think their children are the most beautiful or most intelligent and that somehow children rise above that. I learned that sometimes you do just have to let drunks sleep it off. I learned that I can pick up pieces of broken kitchenware and not get a cut on me. I learned that sometimes you do run out of patience with people and that it's ok. I realized that even if someone is family it doesn't mean that they love you. I realized that toxicity is definitely thicker than blood.
2. Brother (first): He was born 1 day before my 3rd bday and I felt slighted. He was round and blond and pink and I hated him on sight. Until they unwrapped him and he looked at me. Then he became the love of my life. As time went by I took care of him, I beat him up, I teased him relentlessly, I hid him from our parents, I ran away with him, I hugged him when all was falling apart, I threatened kids 3x my size for teasing him, I read to him, I put him to sleep, I wiped his tears, I made him laugh. He taught me about unconditional love. I learned that sometimes family is the most important thing. I learned that kids are sometimes fragile and tough at the same time.
3. Cousin (W): My cousin and I were inseparable from the time I was a baby until we both got married and she moved away. She taught me how to laugh. She showed me that growing up in a healthy environment can still make you fucked up. She brought me endless friendship. She showered me with affection and attention and never made me question her love. I miss her.
4. Opa: My grandfather ... He taught me that everything was ok. That I was ok. I learned from him that even though I looked like no one else in my family that I was special. He showed me the importance of art, of jokes, of records, of smells and of voices. His voice had this lovely gravelly quality that I still hear in my dreams. He smelled of cigarettes and coffee (which I love). His fingers, hands and arms were usually stained with some sort of paint, as were the various books he was reading. He taught me that grandfathers sometimes turn into fathers and then friends. He taught me my first dirty joke - in Dutch. He sang awful but beautiful, so beautiful that I can still hear it each time I think of him, some far off voice singing in Dutch. I learned about how important spouses and children are, each holiday he recorded all of the grandchildren on this lovely reel to reel he had. And he recorded himself privately too, on days when he felt that he hadn't brought enough riches into the lives of his wife and children. The family found one of these secret tapes after his death, and from that tape he taught me about the soul.
5. Cousin (A): From him I learned that sometimes you just can't trust people. Sometimes people want to hurt you and there is nothing you can do. Sometimes it's not your fault. I learned from him, that I am stronger than I thought or than I look. I learned determination. I also learned distrust and anger. I learned humiliation. I learned ugliness. I learned that sometimes no matter how hard you try and how good of a person you think you are, there are people you just cannot forgive.
6. JW: My first boyfriend. It was 4th grade and there was this goofy new kid in school. Blond, green eyes, lanky ... He was beautiful. He asked if I had a bf, and wanted to be mine. We held hands while running to the playground. We stayed close but the relationship sort of slipped away when he found other boys to hang out with the next year. I learned appreciation for the graceless in him, he fell constantly. I learned that my family was not the only one that was different from everyone elses. I learned that I was pretty from him. Because of him, I learned how to grieve as he died 1/2 way through our freshman year in high school.
7. JM/JM/MG: From them I learned about superficial girl friendships. I learned that sneaking out can be fun. I learned that I am much more a chicken that I thought I was. I learned that strawberry hill does not sit well in a 15 year old stomach. I learned that keg parties can be more fun when you accidentally drop the keg on the hardwood floor. I learned that piercing yourself is NOT a good idea. I learned that sometimes our lives do not turn out the way we had planned. I learned that sometimes your childhood friends can't remain your adult friends because you can't grow with them.
8. P: I learned about power. I learned about sex and how it can easily get you what you want. I learned about romance. I learned that the two are not always together and that you wouldn't want them to be. I learned that people will do weird things for their friends. I learned that sometimes relationships are not cookie cutter. I learned my fascination for curly hair. I learned that intelligent conversation counts above all else. I learned that I like sweaters and glasses on boys.
9. G: From him I learned to surf. I found camaraderie. I learned that boys and girls can definitely be the best of friends and nothing more. I found complete acceptance and love. I learned that sometimes in your life one period can be so perfect that it hurts. I learned that even if I could I would never want to go back.
10. JS: I learned that popular boys are not what I want. I learned that I deserve a lot more than I give myself credit for. I learned that sometimes I give up. I learned that I could have very easily slipped into my mothers footsteps. I learned that I can take a punch. I learned that I can give one. I learned that no matter what someone does to me, they will not EVER break my spirit.
11. J: I learned about friendship and love. I learned about jealousy. I learned about laughter during sex. I learned about sweetness. I learned about exclusivity. I learned about patience. I learned about real heartbreaking pain. I learned about pregnacy classes and breathing and births. I learned that a good sense of humor and intelligence can keep a relationship going for years even when you make someone miserable. I learned that even when I thought I could never forgive, I can forget.
12. Boys: I learned that you can feel like your heart will burst from love and it never will. I learned that no two children are alike. I learned that sometimes putting your nail polish up "high" isn't high enough. I learned that kids can crawl into some really funny places. I learned that I LOVE to breastfeed. I learned that being pregnant makes me feel more beautiful than anything in this world. I learned that I can stand any amount pain without drugs if I thought it would affect my baby. I learned true laughter, true dread, true love. I learned about fear. I learned that sometimes the best idea is letting the older kid climb into the playpen to get away from the toddling baby brandishing the kiddie bat.
13. M: I learned about true loyalty. I learned about tenderness and calm. I learned about love that comes out of friendship. I learned that people are patient with you when they don't need to be because they are your friends. I learned that sometimes, even though you love someone, it's not enough for a love relationship but it is enough for a best friend. I learned that no matter what I do, someone will always be there for me.
14. Girls (et all): I learned that not all girls want to tear me to pieces. I learned that being goofy is fun. I learned that each and every day I can learn something. I learned I can knit! I learned that giving is more fun than receiving. I learned that life is NOT a competition. I learned that I love trading clothes. I learned that spending my vacations with a group of girls is one of the best things I have ever done. I learned that even though they look perfect and beautiful and confident, they think the same of me.
15. B: I learned what I will not put up with. I learned that sometimes you must let go of someone quicker than you did. I learned that I am better than some people. I learned that sometimes people have bad hearts. I learned that sometimes you just can't please people. I learned that I value intelligence, humor, passion, empathy over looks any day.
16. *D*: I learned that one touch can make you realize what you are missing. I learned that sometimes there is love at first sight. I learned that people can help you figure stuff out. I learned that music, laughter, love, and conversation is what I want to have in my life. I learned that I like camping. I learned that dreading long road trips is a thing of the past. I learned that I can have an adult relationship. I learned that I want to marry again. I learned that I am 1/2 of another and still a whole person. I learned that I'm not too weird. I learned complete love.

aren't you ....?

someone told me once that i didn't look like what they had imagined i would look. i'm not quite sure what that means. i really don't imagine what people look like when i talk to them via email/im/phone (for work)/forums/blogs. maybe you think it's lie, but it's not. maybe you think it's weird, it may very well be.

so i was thinking, that maybe it would help to have some sort of distinguishing tell each time you conversed with someone via any of the above blind ways. maybe we should have descriptions of ourselves ... in our own words ... before we start chatting. example:

• phone rings at work
• before it clicks over to me a voice comes on and states:

"inkeddaisy: goofy, funny, compassionate, friendly, smart"

now the person calling has in their head a vision of someone like drew barrymore or carol burnett or janeane garafolo (until they hear my voice which never fails to produce one of two comments: is "your mommy there?" or "you know you should do voiceovers in cartoons"). which is sort of what i want to convey anyway. no messy wondering, no conceptuals based on whomever you happened to be thinking about at that moment, and better than that - no surprises.

now, you may be saying to yourself "BUT inked, you don't look like drew barrymore or carol burnett or janeane garafolo" - so yes there is ultimately a flaw in my thinking (not entirely unheard of). but i still think that you get to have the general idea of what i find most pressing about myself up front.

wouldn't it be great to have honesty like that in the cyber world? i mean you would be able to know that the dude who is posting in your thread is basically NOT a bad guy but just lacks certain social skills that most people have so you would be more understanding towards him. you would know before each person posted what they thought of themselves and what they thought was most important so you could actually see if you wanted to engage in a conversation with them. the possibilities are endless.

of course this is all based on the assumption that people are going to be honest, cuz:

inkeddaisy: 38DD, tall, blonde, rich, thin

it's a recipe for disaster

10 things you don't know about me - STOLEN IDEA!

This is done with the utmost reverence to Ka ... a blogger that I saw while stopping to make fun of Darth ... the list they made is much more thought provoking and endearing ... mine just stems from being a copycat.

1. I am a sucker for country tunes, be it old and twangy or heartwrenching soap opera like. It's hard to admit but give me Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, Jerry Reed, Anne Murray, Kris Kristofferson, The Mavericks, Loretta Lynn, Dwight Yoakam, Rita Coolidge and I am a happy camper. I wouldn't listen to them all day every day but every once in a while, I need me some bootslappin' or some sobbin' music.
2. I have never seen The Godfather (any of them). Initially, I would assume it was because I was too little (1972 and 1974) for the first two to go see them. So by the time the third came out in 1990 I had never gotten around to catching parts I & II. I am going to see them eventually, since every guy that I date looks like I have killed small animals with my bare hands when they find out I haven't seen them.
3. I cannot eat if there is a fish tank around. Dead serious. There is something about watching the fish swimming around ... breathing in their own poop, that makes me wanna hurl. It's disgusting.
4. I never had Indian food until 2 years ago. How I lived in a city where they have just about the best Indian food in the lower half of our state for 10 years without trying it, I don't know, but suffice it to say I have rectified that problem.
5. I read the same 3 books every year because I love them so much: The Stand, The Handmaid's Tale, The Red Tent. I will be adding 2 new ones to the list: Of Love and Other Demons and One Hundred Years of Solitude (I've already read them both twice this year). I am always reading new books (because I am a speed reader and crave reading above all else) but when I am down, these 3 will always take me to a place of peace.
6. I am directionally challenged. Not a joke. I cannot for the life of me deviate from planned mapped out directions or I am screwed. While driving lost, I do not know east or west. I do not know which way the ocean is if I am in the city and if you ask me which way is north I am apt to tell you UP.
7. My first car was a Datsun B210 - blue. My grandfather bought it for me when I turned 17 for $1000. My sister (who is 15 years younger than me) loved my car so much that she named it the Smurf car. She cried when it got totalled.
8. I've only been broken up with once. My first pre-sex boyfriend. He went out with me for 3 months (which when you are in your early teens sounds like FOREVER!) and then dumped me out of the blue - to go out with some girl who looked like Madonna (he thought) and would let him have sex with her. He got her pregnant and became a dad at 16 1/2 ... and while his gf was giving birth, he was having sex with someone else behind a 7-11 across town. NICE, CLASSY, WHATTA MAN.
9. My feet are bigger than the average girl. Really, not kidding. I was supposed to be 5ft 9in - 5ft 11in (had my bones measured) but had back surgery at 14 where they fused my spinal cord together. Grew 3 inches during the surgery but no more (except for my legs which grew another 2 inches or so) ... so I guess my feet match the way I was SUPPOSED to be. Speaking of my surgery, I also had to wear a back brace for 23 hours a day from the time I was 9 til the surgery. The first 3 1/2 years the brace was the sort you saw on "16 Candles" with Molly Ringwald ... the part was played by Joan Cusack ... that was me, so laugh on party people.
10. I knew the moment I set eyes on *d* that he was the one. I told all of my friends even before I had talked to him. Unfortunately it took 2 years for us to get together because I was in a relationship at the time and no matter how hideous it was, I am extremely loyal. *d* and I would go to lunch and flirt but NEVER crossed any lines. Except for one time ... and all it was was a touch on my neck with his finger. Sounds harmless ... but I rushed back to my desk to call my best friend and tell him that I had just had lunch with the most dangerous man alive. The one who could tempt me.

the road to the luau OR they paved paradise and put up a picture of me

so just when i think i am super cool (ok ok, maybe not SUPER cool but heading in the right direction of cool) someone yanks out a picture to prove me wrong.




so the picture in question is of the luau ... i think i mentioned it once or twice here so you all know what i am talking about. now let me just say that i think there is a definite change in how i come out in pictures and how i THINK i look. i am hoping the pictures are going to one day portray me in a dorothy lamour or betty grable kind of sexiness ... you know, not smokin' hot but smoldering in a sweet sort of way ( i unfortunately have the sort of face that will NEVER ever be considered gorgeously sexy ... not sure which ethnicity i have to blame for that). i just look goofy. there is nothing i can do about it.

i am a freelance make up artist ... so it's not like i don't KNOW what to do with my face or hair. it's just that my face is much more akin to one of the brady kids (an ethnic version) or maybe lilo's sister in that disney movie. oh how i have always wanted to look like the narrow straight nosed golden haired girls that grew up around me.

yes i know it was wrong, but i wanted to be an aryan princess - god help me.

so when i go out and get all costumed up (as i did for the luau), i like to think that i have somewhat achieved the oneness with the OC beauty that i have been chasing for so long.

uh - no

so this picture just sort of correctly portrays what i did achieve ... complete and utter silliness. an island girl who looks as though she has taken one too many hits off the ole bong.

well, i guess it could be worse ... i could be wearing a muu muu.

update on ghetto apartment

** cue the theme song for Sanford and Son ... **

So there really isn't one. Went by there last week, looks about the same as when i was there previously, with the exception of the 2 inch layer of drywall dust all over EVERYTHING (no one covered anything for protection). All of the equipment is still all over the outside and inside of my apartment and now my door doesn't lock properly.

There is talk about it being finished sometime this month but until i hear from them - it's all up in the air.