my friend ... the end

after 20 years of knowing each other, 10 years of living together as man and wife, 3 children, 7 years of separation, 4 years of trying to get the divorce in order, 2 years of filing and refiling paperwork ... it's over. the divorce is final.

yes its exhilerating. yes its what i wanted. yes its finally time for it to happen.

but still.

i'm sad. i feel an emptiness that i hadn't expected. i feel overwhelmed by these feelings of what should have been, what i hoped and wished for when i was 17.

i remember the first time we met. how implausible it all was. how happy we were and yet how miserable we were at the beginning.

we were children. how does one know what they want forever at 17?

but still.

we had a great times. we laughed. we loved. we had 3 of the most wonderful children this world will ever know.

but still.

we had horrible times. we fought. we cried. we had some of the roughest patches that my young and immature mind could fathom.

but still.

i feel like i've lost my childhood best friend. the person who knew me before i became me. i've become a different person than i was and this person will never be in love with him again.

but still.

i loved him completely at one time. more than i ever thought possible, he made me happy. he was funny, he still is. he was smart and will always be.

but still.

i hated him so much for what he became. he was jealous and hurtful and obsessive. he was miserable so he made me miserable. he just wanted to hurt me any way he could.

but still.

i miss everything we had. i miss that happiness we felt at the beginning. i miss that person he was. i miss that person i was.

but still.

i love my life now. i never want to be that depressed and hurt and just sad all the time. i love the person i have become at the end of it all.

but still.

goodbye, old friend. goodbye life that i thought i was going to have. i will miss you and always remember you fondly. i will always think about the good times and laugh. and if i remember the bad, i will be thankful for those as well, because it made me the real me.

so thank you for 20 years ... for the love, the tears, the pain and the laughter. be well and let all the anger and pain and sadness leave you and let all that remains be peace.

Dangerous Mind

So I was thinking the other day. What must it be like to other people to have to deal with me? I know that I am not a bad person, but the frenetic energy must be at times incredibly infuriating and at other times quite disturbing. My mother used to get so freaked out when I was out of school that she would send me out of the house with some $ for food & drinks for the day so she wouldn't have to entertain me anymore. She would tell me to take my skates in my basket of my bike and go play for the rest of the day, she knew I would get bored and return home after a few hours if I just had my bike. So I would skate/bike around the city, eating at Burger King or Carls Jr and come home about 7 each evening, still full of energy. Boy was she glad when my brother was old enough to go out with me.

I've always had this sort of manic energy ... I'm not bi-polar ... I am definitely not depressed ... it's more like someone on speed for about 4 days and they have that huge rush of energy because they are going to crash at any moment (NOT that I have ANY idea what that is like) ;). I run around quite full of all of the possibilities, completely assured that I can do anything, so I start all sorts of interesting and wonderful things ... then about a week later, I never look at them again. I know I have ADD, but I can focus on things so incredibly well that I can make almost anything. And then, once the concentration is gone, nothing ... nada ... zilch. I don't sleep really well. I can go weeks with about 2-3 hours of sleep a night. But it is inevitable that I will crash and be sleepy by 6pm for 3 days.

The problem I have with all of this is my complete lack of knowing what I want to be when I grow up. I do all sorts of things on the side (make up/hair, knitting, crafts, sewing, writing, etc) and there are many MANY more that I have thought I've wanted to do and then decide against AFTER I buy all the supplies, but nothing that really makes me feel like I am 100% confident that I can do it.

Now without sounding completely arrogant, I'm good at the things I put my mind to. I've made some wonderful jewelry, some great purses, some cool scarves and hats, wrote some moving poetry, sewed cute blankets & great baby clothes, made some people look phenomenal at their weddings and special events, I even install my own dreads now - but am I sure, completely sure that any of those things will keep my interest if I choose to do them as my career? I want to continue to love to do these things - I want to have fun, but at the same time, isn't the best career doing what you love? Does it ever get to a point that even artists who get paid to do what they love, that they tire of it and want to do it no more? That thought scares me.

I never went to school for any of the things that I love to do. I am basically self taught in most everything (except for the knitting and the dreads ... thank goodness for the girls and for the internet!) so maybe my stuff would suck so much that I wouldn't have the chance to tire of it since no one would pay me to do those things.

Maybe I could set up a career based on ALL the things I do, and then that way I would never be bored ... because even more than not knowing what I am going to be when I grow up, I am DEATHLY afraid of boredom.

happy birthday to me ... um, 3 months ago

yeup, i just celebrated my latest birthday (i won't bore you with stating my age) and it was quite the adult dorkfest. all of my sweet girls and their guys around me along with that loveable man o' mine ... it was heaven. sure we went to a chain restaurant ... sure, we went to see a movie about mutants ... but what do you people want from me? I'm a DORK, I keep telling you that ... sheesh, maybe now you'll believe me. ;)

so ok yeah this was all in May. but come on guys, i'm busy! i swear!

i got to meet darth for the first time this past month. he was incredible, so sweet, smart, funny and articulate. i was impressed. and fyi, he doesn't wear jeans ... he wasn't exaggerating. quite the metrosexual.

hmmm, what else is going on. still same job, traveling has been put off for a bit (thankfully).

*d* and I just celebrated our 3 year anniversary. absolutely insane that it's been that long and weirder yet is that it has only been that short amount of time! we had a lovely weekend in the Marin county area, just gypsy-ing about with no reservations or plans. heaven for people like us. we just hung out for the weekend looking at all of the amazing nature. i am so in love with this man. we can hang out 84 hrs straight and STILL completely long for each others company when we part. it's quite amazing. he's funny even after driving for 10 hrs ... with me kinda green from car sickness. wow, he MUST love me.

we took the boys to Vegas for the weekend. not to see any of the Vegas-y sites by any means, cuz that's just nasty. our best friends have a place out there and we hung out with them for the weekend. it was wonderful. out in the middle of nowhere with all the stars and quiet ... the boys had such a wonderful time. as my oldest said "i had the best time just eatin' and swimmin' and then eatin' again". it's back to school for them in 2 weeks. summer vacations are getting shorter and shorter! oh yeah, and the youngest started football ... yeah, i've started taking panic attack medicine.

oh yeah, and the divorce papers are FINALLY in!! woohoo! should be divorced by March 1st at the latest! so what am I feeling?
relief? YES
happiness? sure
anxiety? definitely
excitement? YES
the reason for the "sure" on happiness? well, its weird. I am happy to get divorced because I have wanted it and I want to not be married anymore to my ex. but it's still sad on a level. that something didn't work out that you tried for so long at. we are still friends and talk all the time so it's not that i miss him. it's just sad when something ends for good. i am happy that i won't have to worry about being called his wife anymore. i am extraordinarily happy about the possibilities with *d* now ... but also nervous.

wow, do i put pressure on myself.

anyway ... so that's what been going on. what a boring post.

Since I am Multi Racial ... it's New Year's everyday!

ok, I'm late in wishing you all a happy new year. I've been a bit bored with the whole blogging thing as you might have noticed. I've tried to get motivated to do anything at all that has to do with starting the process again ... to no avail. so here goes my lame attempt ...

This year should prove to be quite interesting. 2 of my best friends are getting married on different sides of the US (6 months apart thankfully!) and work is beefing up for some seriously hearty, if not boring travel. I've been given some accounts in England so hopefully at some point I will be up for a visit to you UK peeps sometime soon. The boys will be turning 16, 14, and 11 which means that even though they are great amazing kids there is much turmoil ahead with girls, parties, driving and all the things that go along with being young men. *d* and I will be celebrating our 3 years together. we have a new puppy that we got for an early christmas present for each other - he's an adorable beagle named Bourbon. My brother & sister in law are having their first baby this June (a girl!!! Ashley Nicole) and my divorce should go through this year *fingers crossed* which should put lots of things in the air. Now, if you don't know what I mean by things in the air maybe I should elaborate.

I have been battling the divorce thing for 5 1/2 years now. It's not really anyones fault (well it kinda is but who's counting) we've just sorta let things slip after a while. This comfortable limbo has become some sort of blanket that i've wrapped myself in and not had to worry about the future. Not fair to *d* i know, believe me, but thankfully he is completely understanding. I try not to rock the boat with the ex ... you know, get things all mucked up with depression and sadness ... i was hoping that at some point he would just be ok with the whole situation but the longer i wait on his emotional frailty the longer i am putting my life on hold with *d*. as much as i love him (and lord do i) it's hard for me to push for the one thing he wants. for us to get married and have kids. i've given myself a deadline for having anymore children ... and that deadline is coming up on me like a fucking freight train. he's been understanding so far ... how much longer is anyones guess. he refuses to have bastard children (as i am fond of saying) so we have to do the whole proper thing and get married ... did i mention with a wedding? *shudder* the thought gives me the hives. i like the dress part ... i like the party part ... but the in between part? ugh. it's like some hopped up version of the debutante balls i saw in OC growing up. it's frightening. plus ... who knows what changes when you get married?

i mean i was happy once with my ex ... then ... i wasn't ... i became a commodity, a piece of the furniture that he owned. no, i don't think that this will happen with *d* - i would like to think that i have become better at character judgment in my old age ... but i did pick the last bastard i went out with too ... and that wasn't that long ago. and i know i was happy with my ex husband for a period of time ... but when did that change? when did his obsession become too much? was i just blinded by the love that i wanted? i like to think not, but i was a lonely child when we met. he was a good man, he still is ... just not the man for me.

so, i sit here this fictional new years and wonder what decisions i will make with my life this year. will i stay out of the water, scared to get my feet wet or will i rush in head first and get soaked?

i have my towel ready just in case.

sometimes they come back

sometimes my ADD lasts a bit longer than i think it's supposed to. i get caught up in reading various what-nots and looking at a myriad of whozits ... and lookee here ... it's been somewhere in the neighborhood of 2.5 months since i've posted. sorry about that (not even sure if there is anyone who is still interested in reading this anyway). well, life is going along pretty much the same as what it has been sliding by on for the last year or so ... not too much of anything bad and almost assuredly enough of the wonderful things i need.

was there ever a time in your life that you thought maybe you took a wrong turn? i would never change the outcomes of the important decisions that i've made in my life but but some days i think ... maybe i should have fought my natural inclination to want to just 'gypsy' it and actually just stay in one place. maybe i should have gotten that degree in the thing that i was REALLY interested instead of just skating by with the easiest one that i could because i knew i'd get bored eventually anyway.

do you get over boredom or just come to terms with it? being that i detest studying myself any more than absolutely necessary, that answer may never come. some days i wish i had known ... no, wait, that's not right ... i wish i had CARED enough to understand that i was smart enough to get that degree ... that sometimes the answer is not "a One, a Twooo, a Three ... crunch ... Three"

a bit ... out of sorts

there are days when i feel like writing ... then weeks that i don't. it's been hard to try to fake it (the writing)... somedays i feel more like a silhoutte of myself. all the words come out sounding hollow and forced.

it's not anything in particular really, sometimes i think about the stupid choices i have made in my life and have to take responsibility for (like my stupid tickets) and some days i think about the people that i have run across and have let affect my life.

the last week or so has given rise to some interesting things within my group of friends. we have a bit of turmoil within our normally tight circle. one of the girls is leaving the state ... and it has not been a particularly good break. i'm not sure what is happening, one minute close friend; the next, well, the next minute i'm not even sure she is a friend.

this isn't really happening to me, per se. one of the sweetest girls is getting the shit beaten out of her emotionally over this. she's known this girl since childhood and is being treated like garbage. the entire group is being treated poorly by the moving girl but we all know that the worst is being felt by the sweet one. it's devastating in it's power to affect us all.

i know that i have written the thought before ... about how one act can affect so many others. but is it true? i feel torn about the whole situation because on one hand moving girl is well moving , so maybe this is some strange sort of adolescent separation anxiety that she is working out prior to leaving to not feel so bad. but on the other hand, why hurt people so deeply? is there no remorse, no responsibility for your actions just because you will not have to suffer the consequences yourself?

on another weird note, a guy that i barely know who happens to be a brother to one of the inner circle is in town to visit. now the last time this guy was in town he acted weird towards me and tried to provoke me into a verbal confrontation. i chocked it down to too much alcohol and just sort of refused to get into it with him. well this time did not prove any different. at the height of a friendly gathering (after he had too much to drink once again), he suddenly turned on me. now i will save you the lurid details but suffice it to say he was in rare form. now thankfully he is not very bright and i was able to hold my own with him (well in all actuality i creamed him) and he backed down with a few sputters of "yeah yeah sure that's real adult" or something like that, and melted into the apartment. now none of this transpired with any shouting or vulgarities but it was heated enough and the attack on me was personal enough to leave me shaking. and FUMING. i never want to talk to him nor see him again. end of story. done. fin.

well it's not really the end of the story though. because he felt like he needed to apologize afer his sister ripped him a new asshole about fighting with her friends for no reason. (yeah, he's a winner, he didn't only try to pick a fight with me ... apparantly it's a habit with him) so his apology email goes something like "uh, i don't know what i said or did because i was drunk but i want to apologize. it wasn't personal." i replied stating thank you for your apology since the conversation was ugly and not very pleasant. have a nice rest of your trip. he replied stating "yeah well i seem to do this more often then not but i am in therapy and it seems to happen when i drink too much. blah blah blah"

sorry but i do not accept that lame attempt at an apology. his behavior is not acceptable and not only was it personal but it was disgusting. i think people have some serious issues with personal responsibility. i'm sorry that people sometimes think that they had a horrible childhood. i am sorry that they have in fact had a horrible one ... that does NOT entitle people to hurt others. it does not entitle people to cut people down whenever they have too much to drink or feel bad about themselves or need to move. it is not acceptable.

at what point as a society do we call people on their own shit? when is it ok to NOT feel bad about not wanting to accept someone's apology? because let me tell you as much as it felt good to tell him "i am happy you are getting help but because of your past behavior towards me i still would rather not speak to you again", ... i feel bad. is that my fault? maybe a teeny bit because i allowed him to engage me in a conversation that i felt had the ability to go south ... but am i to BLAME? no.

so to sum up, the reason that i am not writing right now (if you can take this rant as not writing) is because i feel frayed. life is out of joint right now. and i hope it rights itself soon. because i've been lame in my questions i am supposed to ask you people.

the $1 answer and the next $10,000 question

I have been accused of being such a mom when it comes to judging anything ... so politically correct because i don't want anyone to lose. but really, this time it was difficult. if i only went with the answer that made me laugh it still wouldn't help my decision.

so the only thing i can tell you is that darth's answer ... well it sucked. :)

oh yeah, and one more thing ... apparently we all have either a mighty fear of animals or an unnatural appreciation of them.

so with that in mind, let us go on to our next question:


Question 2: What if humans could change sexes at will?

your answers are highly anticipated.