a bit ... out of sorts

there are days when i feel like writing ... then weeks that i don't. it's been hard to try to fake it (the writing)... somedays i feel more like a silhoutte of myself. all the words come out sounding hollow and forced.

it's not anything in particular really, sometimes i think about the stupid choices i have made in my life and have to take responsibility for (like my stupid tickets) and some days i think about the people that i have run across and have let affect my life.

the last week or so has given rise to some interesting things within my group of friends. we have a bit of turmoil within our normally tight circle. one of the girls is leaving the state ... and it has not been a particularly good break. i'm not sure what is happening, one minute close friend; the next, well, the next minute i'm not even sure she is a friend.

this isn't really happening to me, per se. one of the sweetest girls is getting the shit beaten out of her emotionally over this. she's known this girl since childhood and is being treated like garbage. the entire group is being treated poorly by the moving girl but we all know that the worst is being felt by the sweet one. it's devastating in it's power to affect us all.

i know that i have written the thought before ... about how one act can affect so many others. but is it true? i feel torn about the whole situation because on one hand moving girl is well moving , so maybe this is some strange sort of adolescent separation anxiety that she is working out prior to leaving to not feel so bad. but on the other hand, why hurt people so deeply? is there no remorse, no responsibility for your actions just because you will not have to suffer the consequences yourself?

on another weird note, a guy that i barely know who happens to be a brother to one of the inner circle is in town to visit. now the last time this guy was in town he acted weird towards me and tried to provoke me into a verbal confrontation. i chocked it down to too much alcohol and just sort of refused to get into it with him. well this time did not prove any different. at the height of a friendly gathering (after he had too much to drink once again), he suddenly turned on me. now i will save you the lurid details but suffice it to say he was in rare form. now thankfully he is not very bright and i was able to hold my own with him (well in all actuality i creamed him) and he backed down with a few sputters of "yeah yeah sure that's real adult" or something like that, and melted into the apartment. now none of this transpired with any shouting or vulgarities but it was heated enough and the attack on me was personal enough to leave me shaking. and FUMING. i never want to talk to him nor see him again. end of story. done. fin.

well it's not really the end of the story though. because he felt like he needed to apologize afer his sister ripped him a new asshole about fighting with her friends for no reason. (yeah, he's a winner, he didn't only try to pick a fight with me ... apparantly it's a habit with him) so his apology email goes something like "uh, i don't know what i said or did because i was drunk but i want to apologize. it wasn't personal." i replied stating thank you for your apology since the conversation was ugly and not very pleasant. have a nice rest of your trip. he replied stating "yeah well i seem to do this more often then not but i am in therapy and it seems to happen when i drink too much. blah blah blah"

sorry but i do not accept that lame attempt at an apology. his behavior is not acceptable and not only was it personal but it was disgusting. i think people have some serious issues with personal responsibility. i'm sorry that people sometimes think that they had a horrible childhood. i am sorry that they have in fact had a horrible one ... that does NOT entitle people to hurt others. it does not entitle people to cut people down whenever they have too much to drink or feel bad about themselves or need to move. it is not acceptable.

at what point as a society do we call people on their own shit? when is it ok to NOT feel bad about not wanting to accept someone's apology? because let me tell you as much as it felt good to tell him "i am happy you are getting help but because of your past behavior towards me i still would rather not speak to you again", ... i feel bad. is that my fault? maybe a teeny bit because i allowed him to engage me in a conversation that i felt had the ability to go south ... but am i to BLAME? no.

so to sum up, the reason that i am not writing right now (if you can take this rant as not writing) is because i feel frayed. life is out of joint right now. and i hope it rights itself soon. because i've been lame in my questions i am supposed to ask you people.

the $1 answer and the next $10,000 question

I have been accused of being such a mom when it comes to judging anything ... so politically correct because i don't want anyone to lose. but really, this time it was difficult. if i only went with the answer that made me laugh it still wouldn't help my decision.

so the only thing i can tell you is that darth's answer ... well it sucked. :)

oh yeah, and one more thing ... apparently we all have either a mighty fear of animals or an unnatural appreciation of them.

so with that in mind, let us go on to our next question:


Question 2: What if humans could change sexes at will?

your answers are highly anticipated.

In celebration of Deep Throats' return to theaters - Überband

(totally shameless plug)

Not that we know anyone who is going to go see it (or *ahem* anyone who has seen it the first go around).

So to honor this momentous occasion Überband will be performing their own special brand of smut on Thursday February 10th at 11pm at The Joint. Come see what the critics are hailing as “a form of pleasure previously considered taboo”, “inherently inventive in its explicitness”, and “wow, Ryan’s ass used to be so much higher”.

Come join the wholesomely perverse fun with us, won’t you?

The Joint is located at 8771 West Pico Blvd., Los Angeles CA 90035 (east of Robertson).
The flyer above lets you into the show for $6 … print out as many as you’d like. Give ‘em to friends, give ‘em to enemies … oh yeah, and give one to yourself too.
So come join us for a night of deviance that will make Nixon roll in his grave!

ÜberPorn Queen and PR Princess

http://www.uberband.com/

edited to put the correct date

the $10,000 question

a friend of mine was talking about an entrance exam she had to take for an internship program she was dying to get into. apparantly they must answer some strange questions with as many answers as their clever little minds can come up with. then the examiners look at all the answers and throw out the most obvious and see what is left. i guess that is how they decide who becomes part of their program, the ones who think outside the box and creatively come up with scenarios that no one else have thought of.

i think that seems like a much better interview process than the normal one we have. i mean, what if, in addition to test scores we were rated on our creativity? i intensely beleive that this is what is missing in today's society. an ability to think on our own. to come up with answers that no one else has ... to imagine that the possibilities are still endless.

some days it feels as if we are brainwashed into doing things a certain way because "that is the way it has always been done". how did we become a country full of lemmings instead of a forward thinking, inventive one?

so until further notice, each week i will come up with a question and ask you to submit 1 or 2 answers (or as many as you can come up with) for the enjoyment of everyone who reads this blog (which seriously might end up being just me - come on, entertain me). i will then post the most creative/intelligent/funny answers the following week preceding the next question. sound fun? i thought so. i think the intent on these questions are to think of the ramifications on the world as a whole (or your community, or house, or country but just bigger than yourself).

and now, without any further ramblings ....

Question 1. What if humans no longer had to eat?

i anxiously await your replies.

(an old poem for *d*)

home

no more false starts or
getting lost or
barely sustaining on this side of empty,

no more wandering,
driving aimlessly,
peering at each street sign

hoping that somehow i would figure out
how to navigate by the stars

since no one else seemed to be able
to show me
or to even understand
what i was asking

and if they did, they only ever succeeded in getting me more lost

yet i knew that it was somewhere,
this belonging, this wholeness, this happiness

yet no one could tell me what city it was in,
what street it was on,
what world it even resided,

or even point me to a map with a little arrow that showed me in big bold letters

you are here

and then came you

the magnet that is pulling me toward
this birthplace, this motherland, the only place

that can quench, complete, fix, sate me

that is lodged
in your heart, in your mind, on your lips

and the only way i will ever feel right is to be near you

where i can
listen to it, feel it, touch it, hear it, taste it
and be alive, happy, healthy

so i do anything, trying to get to you

crawl, walk, run, fly, drive, swim, even dream

anything i can make my body do

the instinct to flee into your arms so overwhelming

that my breath leaves me empty,
sucked out by some invisible force

being drawn to my home that is pulsing within you

and now,
i seem to be able to navigate the landscape easily

even when you aren’t beside me
as if, reflexively, i know the direction that i am headed

because it is outlined clearly on my window pane

that map that is your image
your face hazy yet still brighter than the stars

who are jealous of how you outshine them

envious of your innate ability to navigate me

i feel no need to stop off at the nearest rest stop
to ask for directions,
or find out what path someone else thinks i am on,

or allow myself to be questioned about my route
all the things
i used to think that i needed to show me the way
because i know that everything i need
is inside my soul,
waiting for me to come home

to a place that i had previously thought
was never going to be real

he's just not that into you (or how can i look so smart, yet be so dumb?)

origami - by ani difranco

i am an all powerful amazon warrior
not just some sniveling girl
so no matter what i think i need
you know i can't possibly
have a need in this world

come and come for that sweet sweetness
i'll be your never ending vending machine
i could never need to be alone
never need to be my own
as much as you need your queen

i know men are delicate
origami creatures
who need women to unfold them
hold them when they cry
but i am tired of being your savior
and i am tired of telling you why

and since when did this me me me
become the be all and end all of me
oh listen to you talk to me
long time love has got to breathe, babe
you got to let it ebb and flow
if you want a ball to bounce
you gotta let it go
just let it go

i know men are delicate
origami creatures
who need women to unfold them
hold them when they cry
but i am tired of being your savior
and i am tired of telling you why

once upon a time i used to be dumb. not silly dumb, not crazy goofy ... dumb. i acted like an idiot, so completely unlike myself, that even now i wince when i think of it. this was a few years ago, just a little over 3 to be exact. it's hard to admit, but in order to give you all the benefit of my intolerable idiocy and help you to NOT be like me (well, in the past), i will throw it out there.

i dated a guy who, for all intent and purposes, turned out to be nothing more than a placeholder boyfriend. i actually lived with him for a little while. i let him take my heart out every day and stomp all over it. rip it into little pieces every chance he got. let him take out his anger and frustrations and inadequacies on me whenever his little (and i do mean little) heart desired. why do you ask? because i didn't think much of myself. because i felt like at least with him, there were no surprises. that i knew what i had with him ... nothing. so i didn't have to worry about my low expectations being surprised with anything less. i used to joke to friends (some of you actually heard me say it) that "this is just going to end so badly". i JOKED about it. did it make it any easier when it did? no, i just as hurt and angry when it ended than if i had actually thought there was a future in the relationship.

the reason for all of this coming to light is a book cowritten by one of my favorite comics Greg Behrendt. if you guys haven't heard of him before you really should check him out. he used to write for sex in the city. he also has a comic routine that just about makes me pee in my pants. well i guess he was surprised by how many women actually believe some of the things guys say to them and wonder why their relationships don't work. it's called "he's just not that into you". read it. it will definitely give you a laugh (if not enlighten you a little bit).

the funny (and infuriating) thing about this book is that as smart as i think i am, my exbf lived up to just about every chapter in that book. and not to place the blame squarely on him (although to be fair, he deserves MORE than 1/2 of it), because i made just about all the excuses that were in the book for him. you see, i didn't believe that i was: 1. beautiful, 2. smart, 3. worthy, 4. sexy, 5. funny, 6. strong enough to have someone love me exactly how i was. i changed for him. he hated strong women and so i made myself passive. i allowed myself to play a small insignificant part in his life, not a major role. i must take responsibility for that. i knew that i should leave. i knew that he was never good for me nor would he ever be. not only that, he was not ever willing to look at me as someone that was good enough to try for. and in some small way, i looked at him the same.

now, i could lie to you and say that at the beginning with the exbf, it was all lovely and fun. it was not. i could try to make myself feel better (and look better) by saying that suddenly he just changed. it wouldn't be true. i was never enough for him. i was not what he was looking for. and i know that the reason he was with me was that it was better than being alone. it sounds harsh and awful. but in all honesty, in part that might have been part of my reason too. now, don't get me wrong, i did care about him but i didn't really think we had a future. there were too many things that didn't sit well with my heart about him. but unfortunately for me at the time, i am not the type to sleep with someone without giving it the college try. and MORE unfortunate for me (but extremely fortunate for him), i am trusting. i would never have dreamed that he would sleep around. i guess my character judgment was off. and if that sounds too much like i am making excuses for the behavior, i'm not. i know that i wasn't the one that decided to betray my trust. that was all him. and even after i gave him the benefit of the doubt, it continued. of course, that i didn't know until after we were completely done. there is something to be said for listening to all the signs, cuz dammit those things were singing an opera in my head. i was just hoping for a little more respect. didn't get it ... but i can't blame anyone else but myself for that. that portion of our relationship going downhill was just trying to keep up with every other horrendous aspect of our relationship. i was right all along ... it was going to end and quite disastrously.

note for all the girlies out there who are confused about their relationships: when the mom of the guy you are dating is telling you to break up with him ... do it. it will save a lot of heartache and trouble. believe me. no one knows better than their mom. wow, i liked that lady, a lot. she's about the only thing that i miss from that relationship. i hope she is happy and doing well.

so back to the book: the great thing about it was that it showed another side of men. it showed that there were guys out there who think i (you) are the hottest, smartest, funniest, most gorgeous creatures out there. in short, it reminded me of *d*. i know that sounds like a sappy hallmark card, but it's true. because for every line that i read that talked of the heinous things my exbf did, there was another line of the next guy who did exactly what *d* did in those situations. there were a few little sentences thrown about the book about this future guy, how sometimes he knows you even before you're done with assmonkey guy. which is exactly how it was with *d*. i remember him telling me quite a few times how he couldn't believe that i was with a guy who would treat me like that. i remember how *d* looked each and every time he saw me, like he was actually happy to see me. i remember that no matter how much time had passed, how *d* would just email me or call me up to say hi, and wonder how i was. most importantly, i remember how i felt whenever i was around *d*, even before we started dating. i really felt like i was the only woman in the world. something i had not felt with assmonkey.

so, as *d* and i celebrate our blissful year and a half, i sit here thinking about how lucky i am. how i realized (finally) that i am worth being loved for exactly who i am. that i listened to my heart and took a chance on a guy who was going to complete me, compliment me, appreciate me. a guy who, every chance he gets, makes sure that i know how special i am to him. someone who is not looking at me to fill the void in his life because he doesn't have one. a guy who makes me remember that it is ok that i don't have one either. a guy who isn't with me because he is lonely, but because i make him laugh/think/talk or just make his heart skip a beat. a guy who is not afraid of me or my life or my voice.

and now, i just don't feel so dumb anymore.